Where’s the Magic?

D/s has been magic in my life.  There have been times i’ve felt like this:

 

Although the picture isn’t quite right, it needs more openness, but still, there are times i’ve felt like that.  Kneeling at His feet, wanting to feel His hand on my head.  Wanting to kiss and caress Him.

There have been times i’ve felt like this:

or like this:

Deeply in touch with some power that is contained between me and Sir.  The spiritual element of BDSM maybe.

i am not feeling any of that these days.  {i know, you already knew that, why do i keep talking about it?}

Instead, I’m living in black-and-white.

Ok, we don’t actually have 4 kids, thank goodness.  But still.  This is what my life feels like today.

But it also feels like this:

Or like this:

So i try to remember:

And i try to count my blessings.

i woke up all early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  “Early” for me, in this case, was like 3 a.m.  i lay there thinking, trying to go back to sleep for about 45 minutes before i gave up and got up.

i thought about how i can’t expect Him to change.  He loves me and He’s doing the best He can right now, i know that.  i  don’t have any control over that – over Him – anyhow.

So what do i need?  Given that i can’t change Him, what do i need to do to be ok?  What am i really missing and how do i replace it?

i miss the magic, the color, the sparkle.  The feeling that goes with submission…

So maybe i need to find that for myself.  Maybe i don’t have to get that D/s connection with Him to find it, maybe i can uncover it inside myself.

i’m not sure how i’m going to do that.  But i saw this article this morning about yoga.  It ends with this:

My soul is opening. The truth was always within me, buried beneath control and fear. Lying in Savasana, I finally asked for help. I asked the Universe to help me be open and honest, and to let the love flow the way it is meant to. I surrender.

My greatest hope now is that I can stay in this place, and deeply honor it when I see it in you.

I will see you. Will you see me?

Maybe that is a key.  Or maybe i need to find some Wiccan practices, or meditate more, or something that will put me in deeper touch with myself.  i don’t know what the answer is, but perhaps it is inside me.

And maybe i can find it.

 

Sir Raven’s Questions (At Last!)

Sir Raven asked a couple of questions and i’m just now answering – barely under the wire.

How did you come to terms with your submission?

Well, once Mike helped me see that i really am submissive (if you missed that part, click here) then i started researching the whole BDSM/kink world with great enthusiasm.  The book that influenced me the most was:  Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex.  i LOVED that book.

I had never realized that i could act on my fantasies without ending up in some ridiculous Story of O scenario.  Once i realized that –

i had some mildly kinky experiences with this man i also met on the phone line, but the most we actually “did” was some petting in a parking lot during which he stroked me with a whip and turned me on insanely and then wouldn’t let me come.  That was pretty fabulous.

Then i met my second husband.  He claimed to be a Dominant.    i had brought it up first, (by leaving my book next to the bed) and i don’t think he’d ever considered it before, and i don’t think he’d really thought it through.  But still.

We had some really good times for about a year, then we got married, and had a mediocre year, and then he got lost in alcohol and we had a really not-so-good year where we quit having any D/s, and then no sex, and then he wouldn’t even touch me, and finally he wouldn’t actually eat food i’d cooked.  He drank whiskey, in little airplane bottles – dozens of them – from dawn to dusk, and then he’d fall into bed and pass out.

That really didn’t work for me, so i ended the marriage.

THEN, i discovered online dating, and met my first “real” dominant, and THEN when that was over, i found the kinky community.  THAT was a whole new ballgame and all the time, i kept learning new things about myself and what i liked and didn’t like, what i wanted and needed and what the possibilities were.

For me, it has been a process of expanding who i am and then contracting it, clipping off parts that are not-me and incorporating or assimilating parts that are.

Of course, i’m in a state of real flux now.   Lately, Sir has done some things that suggest D/s may still be part of who we are, which is nice.  And there is no doubt in my mind that He is who i’m “supposed to” be with.  But it’s not going to be the way i had imagined it, and there are parts of me that just aren’t going to get what i want, or what i think i want.

i don’t know how that plays out in the long run.  And it could change, i know that.  But i try to accept things the way they are rather than focusing on what i want to be different, or expecting it to change.  i’m not sure what i’ll do or how i’ll react, or what the future will bring.

And really, that takes me to the next question from SR:

2.  What advice would you give to another woman struggling with it, or wanting to try submission?

Find your deepest self, and try to stay true to that part of you.

Really, I could elaborate on that 300 ways, but it comes down to that basic principle.  Figure out who you are and be that person, to the best of your ability, wherever you are, and whatever the challenge.

So if you’re submissive and your Master wants you to do XYZ, you have to figure out how the person you are does that while being true to who you are.  Does that even make any sense?

Now, having given that advice, i have to go away and figure out how to take the advice myself…

Thank you for the questions, SR.  Sorry it took me so long to respond!!

 

The Book I Was Reading

Actually there were two of them – i got them at the used bookstore and they were clearly about D/s relationships.  Romance novels though.  And mostly sex.  One of them had some spanking, but it was purely sensual.

The first one, the one with some spanking, started out real well.   It was called Bound to Trust by Jaci Burton.  It had that right level of tension between her wanting to submit and not wanting to.   But then it lost that edge and was pretty much just great sex.  Not that there’s anything wrong with great sex, but that wasn’t really what i was looking for.

The other, by someone with a different name, but same initials, was also mostly straight sex.

‘Nilla writes a better story than either of them.  i could write a better story than either of them.   Actually, lots of us could write better stories than either of them.

On a whole different note, i think that youall were not as amused by my last post as i was {except for Jade, thank you very much} or at least you didn’t comment on it.   i’m sorry if the humor didn’t come across…

i had been doing really well on not eating compulsively, until yesterday, when i ate all day.  Feeling not-so-great now and glad to start over on only eating things that make me feel good.   Not necessarily that make me feel good in the moment, but that i feel good after i eat them.

Next goal is exercise every damn day.  i really probably need to do yoga, i can feel my body aging and getting stiffer every day.  But something, some exercise is better than nothing, right?  i also need to spring clean my house, and a zillion other things that are probably not going to get done today.  And that’s ok.

Have I Got This Right?

i know, i haven’t answered all the wonderful comments youall left yesterday, but i just wanted to make sure i got the point – i should include lots of sighs in my communication with my Sir?  Right?  Because after all…

It’s my party and I’ll sigh if i want to, sigh if i want to, sigh if i want to… you would sigh too if it happened to ~~

What?  It’s not… the song isn’t… Really?  It’s “CRY” if i want to?

Well damn.

{Giggling hysterically…}

Seriously, i totally hear youall.  I will not be passive-aggressive, i will be honest, and i will NOT sigh.  Not once.

i love you guys.

A New Approach

i’ve decided to start poking Him.

No, not like that!!  Verbally.

So if i’m thinking about how much i miss being submissive and He asks me what i’m thinking about, i’m not going to say, “o, nothing really.”  Not that he lets me get aways with that, but i’ve been avoiding just telling him.

But i’m going to start.  You know, He says, “What’s on your mind?” and i say:

~~ o, i was just thinking about that time you tied me up under that table at your old apartment while you took a shower.  (sigh…)

or

~~ um, i was just thinking about the time you got the TIFKA’s and used them on me.  (sigh..)  i really liked that.

or even

~~ yeah, so i was just thinking about what it would be like if you started giving me rules and tasks and we had some rituals and routines (sigh…)

What do you think?  Too much sighing?  Little sighs, not big ole huffy sighs though.  That’s ok, right?

And what’s the worst that can happen?  He can get tired of hearing it and decide to – make a rule against it?  Spank me?  {giggling}

Is this how submissives become brats?

Well…

…what ~~ ever.  i think i’d rather be a bratty submissive than no submissive at all.

In other news, i have quit eating compulsively.  Yep.  Don’t ask me exactly how or why, but i have.  For about a week.  It’s not a diet, not a weight loss plan and not temporary.  i just need to quit eating bread and sweets and all that crap that doesn’t even make me feel good anyhow and that once i start i can’t stop and ~~

~~ i’m done with that.  Not saying i won’t relapse, but as of now, i feel really good about it.

And i have not forgotten that i still have questions to answer either.

Calling All Tentacle Lovers

This one’s for ‘Nilla – check out this link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/17/alexander-semenov_n_4949952.html

And here are a couple of the pictures:

They’re underwater worms.  Even I have to admit they’re pretty cool.

BUT

I do not even want to think about having one of them anywhere near my ~ well, i started to say “private parts,” but this is a sex blog, right?  So let me change that, i don’t want those worms anywhere near my “you-know.”

(I may not be as funny as i think i am….)

Anyhow.

Back with more answers to questions – we still have 12 days of March to go.

A Jade Question?

Jade questions, but no answers….

Jade asked me three questions – three more questions.  Here they are:

Just one sentence…
Can you think of one sentence that has been:
1. The most erotic anyone has ever said to you?
2. The most genuine?
3. That best captured who you are in words?

i love those questions!  i feel like the answers to them are right around the corner of my mind.  And i can’t find them.

i was going to try to answer one of them now, but as it turns out, i really can’t.  i just don’t know.

i will continue to let them tease me, trying to find my way around the corner of my mind.

Jade, can i come inhale some smoke from your cigarette or your Master’s?  Not to actually smoke, just waft the smoke toward me so i can inhale it through my nose, almost like smudging, but you know, not quite.

i read a thing today – an article – about 15 things empaths should do.  It was very strange and made me not much want to be an empath.  If i even am.  But at the time, (just a few minutes ago) i was feeling really overwhelmed with sadness about all the suffering in the world – on frigging Facebook.  i know.  i should just get off-line. But no.

i gotta read about all the pain and suffering, post after post.  Silly.  And now – omg

Now – there’s this guy that i knew a long time ago, he had a crush on me back when we were both young.  And lately, he’s been all over me on Facebook.  Commenting, liking my posts, posting on my timeline.

Right now, as i write this he has private-messaged me.  The message starts with a big smiley face icon, wearing glasses, and the content is:  “What’s kicking Chicken?”

Seriously.  “What’s kicking Chicken?”

It makes me want to run screaming into the night.

i went out with him once, right after i got divorced the second time, because, you know, he’d had this crush on me forever, and it seemed like a good idea, but it was awful.  Awful on so many levels, i can’t even tell you.

So i told him it was too soon for me to be dating.  And that was that.

But now all of a sudden he’s all over me on Facebook, and i – oh, ugh, i don’t want him to be.   It feels icky.

There is just too much sadness for me right now.  That’s not anything to do with him, ya know?  The sadness is a whole other thing, but then there he is in the middle of it, and it makes me feel so bad that he still — 30 frigging years later – has a crush on me and i can’t stand him.

And he’s not really a nice guy.  Ya know?  He thinks he is.  i guess on some level he is.  But he isn’t really

Yeah, enough of that.

i would rather think about Jade’s questions.

The most erotic thing – what was that?  who said it?  Was it the guy we called The Mad Hatter – the tall, slim man who was the most exotic and erotic person i had ever met?  In my 20’s then, and he was soooo fucking sexy.  And sophisticated.  Well, it was a long time ago.

I thought he was a Dom, and I didn’t even know what a Dom was.  Looking back, I think he was just kinky, and maybe he was evil, I’ll never know, cause I ran away from him before i could find out.

yeah.

The Mad Hatter, he introduced me to bagels and lox and champagne for breakfast, we drank sangria, and he fed me the cherries, tied me up one night with stretchy nylon ties that were always attached to his bed posts.  He said they would tighten if i struggled, and he put my hands through them so i could feel them on my wrists and it was so so hot…

Sigh.

It’s time for bed – i won’t post this til morning, but it’s night now.  Good night, dear friends…

OH!  i’m reading a really fun book – i’ll tell you about it next post.  It’s a BDSM romance novel – how cool is that??

Abby’s Questions

1. When did you first realize you were submissive?

I was first aware of it when I was fairly young, but it was very connected to sex.  So if I felt a deep sense of intimacy with someone, i would want to be submissive to them.  Unfortunately, the men i shared that kind of intimacy with were not budding Doms and they were baffled by my sudden declarations of wanting to belong to them or wanting to do anything they wanted.  i learned not to say it.

I didn’t embrace my submission til much later, when i was in my late 40’s.

2. What words make you feel immediately submissive?

This is awful, but i’m not sure i remember…  One thing that does it though is being told what to do and how to do it in a certain tone of voice.

But i don’t think i’ve slid down into that place of immediate submission in a long time.  A hand in my hair right at the nape of my neck has been another good way to get me there.

3. If you could plan a play time….how would you want to start? What would you positively not want to include?

i would want it to start with something that would make me feel submissive.  Being told to sit at his feet, or take his shoes off would be a good beginning.  Or told to take my clothes off.

i would not want it to include – i dunno – water play.  Any of my hard limits.  Other than that, i don’t think i’d care.

Great questions, Abby!!  Thanks for asking.

Better…

i am better today.

All may not be over.  Or else i’m back in denial/bargaining stages of grief.  Whatever.

It’s a new day.

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson

Thich Naht Hahn says:

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

Pema Chodron, however, sees hope in a different light.  She says:

“Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be—we will never relax with where we are or who we are.”

And:

Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Ok, so you’re probably tired of my quotes by now, and hoping that i’ll answer some more questions real soon, which i will.  Thank you to everyone who commented, emailed, or just sent good thoughts in our direction.  It is deeply appreciated.

Here’s my final (someone else’s) thought for the day: 

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silverstein

This Post Brought to You from the Sloughs of Despond

i was planning to answer Sir Raven’s question today, but was really too despondent to get up the energy to do it.  So i wasn’t going to post at all.

Then i thought, well, maybe writing about what’s going on with me will help.   I worry that i’ll say something that will upset Sir or hurt his feelings or make things worse, but i’m pretty sure He doesn’t read here anymore – i don’t think He even knows i’m writing here again.

And i’m not saying anything against Him.

i love Him.

i thought for a minute that i was wrong before – i thought He was going to start being my Dom again.  But you know, i think that was just denial rearing its ugly head again as i dance through the grief cycle one more time.

Denial – anger – bargaining – depression – acceptance.

So i do denial.  i pretty much skip anger – oh, wait – no, i do anger, but i turn it on myself real quick, which transforms it into depression.

Then i do bargaining.  Maybe if i act submissive… Maybe if i tell him how i feel…. Maybe if i lose weight…  Maybe if – whatever…

When that doesn’t work, i get depressed.  Yes, that means i get double depression.  Hardly seems fair, does it?

Acceptance.  Yeah, i’m not there yet.  Not even close.

Today, i have eaten a ton of food, gone back to bed and couldn’t sleep, almost cried, not accomplished a single thing, and generally just wallowed in misery.  I have not exercised more than one or two days a week for weeks.

i can barely remember what it feels like to feel submissive.  i can look back on memories, but it seems like a long time ago, like something that happened to somebody else.  i haven’t felt that – click – that click when you slide into place – when you slip down into submission – i don’t remember quite what that was like.

i kind of want to curl up in a ball and stay there.

i guess i need to let go of the fantasy that it’s going to be different.  It just isn’t. Not now, not in the foreseeable future.

He has some reasons that things aren’t different, and they’re not unreasonable.  i know that.  i can be sympathetic toward where he is, i get that he didn’t want things to go this way.

And i blame myself.  i don’t know what i did, but i must have done something wrong.

i don’t know what i did wrong.

My house plants are dying, and i don’t really care.  When i water them, i over water them, and then i neglect them for too long.

maybe i did that with Sir too.

i don’t know.

i don’t want to get my nails done.  Don’t want to take a shower, don’t want to do anything.   i haven’t even answered comments on here – and i love youall.

i’m ok at work, and other places, and my life is so good in so many ways.

And today, i’m bereft.  i’m losing part of my self – maybe she’s already gone.   Maybe when i say “i’m losing…” that’s just more denial.  Maybe submissive sofia is gone.

i know, didn’t i just say this a week or two ago?  Now i’m even repetitive.

Sheesh.

i don’t know what i’m going to do.

In the long run, i don’t know what i’m going to do. Today, i guess i’ll just give myself permission to be miserable.  There is no law that says i have to be happy and well-adjusted all the fucking time.

That’s right.  i said fuck.  So what?

i can cuss “like a sailor” as they used to say in my youth.

Mother-fucking, cock-sucking son-of-bitch.

See?

When i say them, it shocks the shit out of people, which cracks me up.  i particularly like “mother-fucker.”  i haven’t used “cock-sucker” in practically forever, because it was pointed out to me that sucking cocks is a good thing, right?

Exactly.

i started to shut off comments for fear of well-intentioned advice, but i’m not going to.  Comment away – um, if you like.  Or not.  But please do not give me any advice unless it involves being ok with being miserable.

Thank you.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

~~ Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times