i don’t know how long it’s been since i’ve been spanked. Years now, because at my age time slips aways like a melting ice cube in the sun. And one day it’s all promises and then the next, years have gone by and the promises sit like an unfilled ice tray, neglected and nearly-forgotten.
I came back from an intense retreat this week, not energized, but a bit lost in cloudy thinking and feelings of guilt. That weight occasionally lifts and I feel like Wonder Woman, which is likely to lead to impulsive acts that may not really be as brilliant as they seem in the moment. And that leaves me mired in discomfort and uncertainly, tinged with regret .
I read this lovely blogpost by Kia on Acknowledging Imperfection called Discipline by Strangers. It starts like this:
Sarah took a shuddering breath in response to the gentle prompt, shifting herself slightly as she tried to process the sensation. Her bottom throbbed with a much deeper burn than she had anticipated, and they had only just started. It was agonising, unexpected, but also perfect.
A different voice. Firmer. One that must be obeyed.
“One.” Sarah replied.
“Thank me for them.”
“One. Thank you, Sir.”
The post continues, and is just lovelier than you can imagine. It only took me that much to be deeply turned on, and to remember that once-upon-a-time when I didn’t go a day without that feeling.
i need to be spanked, that would lift this cloudiness and rebalance me, i know that it would. i told Sir that last night, i told him that i missed that feeling so much. And he just pulled me closer to him in bed and patted my shoulder and went to sleep.
He is my best friend and my support and I love him. And he’s lost in his own health issues, and his work. i know he loves me, and i think i will have to go outside the relationship to get the things that i need.
In Kia’s blogpost the girl is being spanked by people she’s just met. i try to imagine that for myself. Right now, i think it might be helpful since i’m feeling this “needing to be sorted out.” There are reasons i can’t just go to a community play party and seek that out. i’m not sure if i need sex too, or just discipline.
The problem of course is that, like my dear friend Monkey, i don’t think i can participate in getting spanked without submitting to the person doing it – and then attaching to them. So that’s a problem. (Maybe not the exact-same-problem as Monkey, but in the same ballpark.)
And i want someone who knows how to spank. Not someone who just wails away (whales away?) on me, thinking that’s what i want. i want someone with skill in spanking who can raise and lower the intensity to prolong the experience, who can create a range of sensation, who can push my limits and bring me back from the brink of omgtoomuch..
Yeah, i’m not asking for much, am i? Particularly given that I’m a 60 year old, overweight, workaholic.
Plus, i need to tell Sir that i’m thinking about this. i don’t know what he’ll say, but i need to tell him that i have needs that he’s not meeting that i don’t think he’s going to meet and that i need to do something about it. i figure it’ll take me another 6 months to work up to that.
In the meantime, maybe i need to do what the nuns used to do and try some flagellation. Right?
It’s a hard place to be in, I think. You know I relate in some measure…I find my needs met outside of my primary relationship that my spouse is unaware of…which makes me dishonest and a cheater. That said…I have tried to get that need met in some measure and it was met with something akin to horror.
I think we all deserve a chance to feel that need, and that love is immeasurably HUGE–we don’t love just one pet, just one person, just one child, just one grandchild, just one friend. Our love is huge enough to encompass our life partner AND a Dominant, I do believe. I wish you well my friend, as you work through this difficult time.
hugs and love,
Thanks, ‘Nilla – i know you get it, and i really appreciate that. ❤
I want to wrap you up in a huge, warm hug. I am so sorry you are going through this. I find the constant low level feeling of being unsettled as bad or worse than the longing attached to the unmet needs. In an ironic and uncomfortable twist, I find I cannot numb. Try and try as I might, just when the discomfort starts to fade the four and a half years of training surge up and rip the cover off again.
Thank you, Monkey. I can feel the love. 🙂
Just hugs…lots of hugs…
FWIW Sofia: Spanking myself at times works; albeit not long…but it does work.
Wish i could offer more…cept one more hug to throw around you.
It’s good to know that, Sunshine – thanks – and thanks for the hug too!
i read what you wrote and had to sit with it awhile because i noticed i was angry for you. And for me. What you signed up for and what you are receiving are different things-not bad per se-but different. My suggestion is you make yourself talk to him without waiting six months, because that same six months could be better used to find what you do need. Perhaps the talk will result in him deciding to take care of you himself, which would be perfect. But if it doesn’t, you are going to need to put time and effort into finding your spanking partner. Time is precious. Make it count.
FWIT: the crew talked about this topic on our podcast in June of last year, i believe. i too realized that it would be impossible for me to not develop strong feelings for a person i could trust to take care of me.
i can’t resist adding that the self-talk isn’t terrific, hon. 60 is a great age, you are empathic, funny, brilliant, and have broken down a lot of barriers to achieve what you have in life. You also have a smile that can light up your eyes and i miss seeing that. Hopefully, your D does too.
Thanks, Jade. Yeah, it makes me angry too. I did talk to him again yesterday, and heard a response that suggests that he wants things to change too. I don’t have much hope that it will actually happen, but my plan is to keep talking.
And thanks for the suggested postiive self-talk! Lol, i do appreciate that. Am not so sure it’s fact-based, but that’s ok. (Ok, yes, I know parts of it are. Just not sure about the “60 is a great age.” And how would you know, young missy? 🙂 )
Maybe a written contract would help? Love, your young missy
Yeah nice thought but i dont’ think so… 🙂
Anything I can think to say, I’m sure you’ve already thought.
(best I can do, I’m afraid.) :-\
Thanks, Jz!! That helps.
Hi sofia- Thrilled that the story had such an impact on you, but sorry that it dredges up difficult issues. If there was an easy answer, one of your readers would have found it and let you in on the big secret. As it is. . .just keep trying. Just keep talking- to Sir, to yourself (sign of intelligence, that one), to the community here. Remember that there are others who understand and may be able to help
You joke about self-spanking, but it did work for me for a while. It feels ridiculous, but it was something, and something I could do with minimal outside input.
Lovely to see you writing again!!
Thanks, Kia. I really loved the post. I’ll have to keep that in mind, about self-spanking. Thanks again for the support!!
I did self spank one night. ..I was frustrated. Angry at life for denying me. ..yet again. .a for playtime. I started whacking my breast with my hard and hated pink hairbrush. I just kept hitting. Maybe. .. maybe. If you did that… in front of Sir. ..just stood there and hit yourself. .. It might sort of stir the pot a bit? At the very least you’d send a strong message… and get a wee but of relief.