i don’t know how long it’s been since i’ve been spanked. Years now, because at my age time slips aways like a melting ice cube in the sun. And one day it’s all promises and then the next, years have gone by and the promises sit like an unfilled ice tray, neglected and nearly-forgotten.
I came back from an intense retreat this week, not energized, but a bit lost in cloudy thinking and feelings of guilt. That weight occasionally lifts and I feel like Wonder Woman, which is likely to lead to impulsive acts that may not really be as brilliant as they seem in the moment. And that leaves me mired in discomfort and uncertainly, tinged with regret .
I read this lovely blogpost by Kia on Acknowledging Imperfection called Discipline by Strangers. It starts like this:
Sarah took a shuddering breath in response to the gentle prompt, shifting herself slightly as she tried to process the sensation. Her bottom throbbed with a much deeper burn than she had anticipated, and they had only just started. It was agonising, unexpected, but also perfect.
A different voice. Firmer. One that must be obeyed.
“One.” Sarah replied.
“Thank me for them.”
“One. Thank you, Sir.”
The post continues, and is just lovelier than you can imagine. It only took me that much to be deeply turned on, and to remember that once-upon-a-time when I didn’t go a day without that feeling.
i need to be spanked, that would lift this cloudiness and rebalance me, i know that it would. i told Sir that last night, i told him that i missed that feeling so much. And he just pulled me closer to him in bed and patted my shoulder and went to sleep.
He is my best friend and my support and I love him. And he’s lost in his own health issues, and his work. i know he loves me, and i think i will have to go outside the relationship to get the things that i need.
In Kia’s blogpost the girl is being spanked by people she’s just met. i try to imagine that for myself. Right now, i think it might be helpful since i’m feeling this “needing to be sorted out.” There are reasons i can’t just go to a community play party and seek that out. i’m not sure if i need sex too, or just discipline.
The problem of course is that, like my dear friend Monkey, i don’t think i can participate in getting spanked without submitting to the person doing it – and then attaching to them. So that’s a problem. (Maybe not the exact-same-problem as Monkey, but in the same ballpark.)
And i want someone who knows how to spank. Not someone who just wails away (whales away?) on me, thinking that’s what i want. i want someone with skill in spanking who can raise and lower the intensity to prolong the experience, who can create a range of sensation, who can push my limits and bring me back from the brink of omgtoomuch..
Yeah, i’m not asking for much, am i? Particularly given that I’m a 60 year old, overweight, workaholic.
Plus, i need to tell Sir that i’m thinking about this. i don’t know what he’ll say, but i need to tell him that i have needs that he’s not meeting that i don’t think he’s going to meet and that i need to do something about it. i figure it’ll take me another 6 months to work up to that.
In the meantime, maybe i need to do what the nuns used to do and try some flagellation. Right?