Monthly Archives: January 2014

Cold, Tired, Sad…

Cold because it’s frigging snowing and way below freezing outside and seems like it will be this way forever.

Tired because i went to bed too late, and got up too early – for nothing, as it turns out, the thing i was supposed to do this morning was canceled.

Sad because ~ i don’t know.   Maybe because i just am.  Do i need a reason?  Nothing bad has happened, nothing bad is happening.  There’s a lot to be happy and grateful for.   And at least some of the time, i am.

Shrug…  i don’t know why i’m even posting this.

i feel bad that i haven’t responded to the thoughtful and interesting comments on my last post.  i think i’ll do that today.  Maybe.  Or maybe i’ll do it tomorrow.  Yeah, tomorrow would probably be a good day to do it.

Gotta go get dressed ~ it’s too cold to be hanging out in my robe.  images

Reblogging – Cause We Cool

Re-blogging this from a post on Tumblir – enjoy.  Feel free to discuss – with respect of course.  I’m betting you already know that i agree with her.tumblr_mz5p6p5wL81sdkjujo1_1280

causewecool:
spankmeagainplease:
Feel free to sexually harass me if you’re male. You know what they say “Boys will be boys.”. Although I’m not sure any of you will want to do that since I’m not very modest, therefore not attractive.







The new principal at my school used two phrases while addressing new dress code rules to a class.

“Modest is hottest.” and “Boys will be boys.”

He should have said something more along the lines of: “The school dress code was established to provide our students with a safe and orderly learning environment that is free from distractions.”

Let’s start with the phrase “Modest is hottest.” Shall we?

Modest-Having or showing a moderate estimation of one’s own talents, abilities, and value.

If modest is hottest, then it’s not modest.

You are literally sending the message to young girls, who are already struggling with self confidence, that hiding their body makes them more attractive. You are establishing a sense of shame in these young, developing minds and bodies. A human has the right to wear whatever they feel comfortable in. Showing less skin doesn’t make you any more attractive. Showing more skin does not make you any less attractive. When someone calls you attractive that just means that they are attracted to you.

At what point in your career did you find it appropriate to define my “hotness”? Why are you at all concerned with how “hot” I am? You are teaching us, through modesty, to be objects of sexual arousal. I’m sorry, but I don’t dress myself to look “hot” for anyone. I dress myself as a way of expressing myself and my body. “If covering up my body is supposed to make people sexually/physically attracted to me, then how would those people feel if I decide to have sexual relations with them, without clothes on?” “How am I supposed to love and feel proud of my naked body and develop a sense of sexuality when exposing my body is deemed shameful and unattractive?” Since when should being “hot” be my concern. I don’t want to be with someone who just thinks I’m hot. I want to be with someone who loves and respects all the parts of my mind, personality, and body. THAT’S what you should be teaching, not “How to be hot.”.

My body is not a sinful temptation that needs to be hidden.
My body is not your personal, sexual object.
My body does not overshadow my character.
My body is not any more sexual than a man’s body.
My body is not here to look “hot” for you.

Next up is “Boys will be boys.”

Being a boy refers to your gender. That’s all.

It does not make you constantly sexually aroused, animalistic, or sexually uncontrollable, but for some reason society has come to the conclusion that you are this stereotype. This is extremely sad. This gender stereotype is unfair to all men. By telling them who they are as a man you are absolutely taking away their moral agency. “But he’s a teenager. He’s raging with hormones.” You don’t think I’m raging with hormones as well? Believe me I am. Men are not stupid. They are not unable to see when someone is not consenting to sex. It’s not ‘in their nature’ to rape because they are a man, it’s not ‘in their nature’ because IT’S WRONG TO RAPE SOMEONE. Raping someone is a cognitive choice. (how modestly the victim dresses does not affect them being raped). When the few people that do sexually harass people happen to be male and you use the excuse “Boys will be boys.” you are not only excusing their behavior, you are condoning it. It’s this “Boys will be boys.” mentality, culture, and attitude that condone sexual assault. Whenever the excuse “Boys will be boys.” is used, it’s just an exercise of male privilege. It’s this attitude that condones sexual assault. You are giving them a free license that makes it okay for them to be sexually violent, that says “Well I’m a boy, it’s just who I am.” Sex needs to stop being about “no no no bad dirty gross shameful” and start being about “Yes. Let’s have consenting sex because I want to.” Consent. THAT’S what you should be teaching, not “Well you know how they are… Boys will be boys!”

Boys are not sexually uncontrollable.
Boys do not have a genetic, animalistic, violent nature.
Boys are not born with a natural desire for destruction or control.

Despite what society and culture keeps trying to cram down everyone’s throat, having a penis doesn’t make it okay to sexually harass someone. The false idea that men can’t control themselves is so unfair and completely ridiculous.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
The next day He called me down to his office to discuss my concerns. (Students and teachers told him about it, which I expected)
I spent a good hour and a half arguing with the principle about his comments when he called me down to his office, today. I offered to send him what I posted if he was interested in reading it. He said “No, that won’t be necessary.” I explained to him that I wanted him to read what I wrote and I would appreciate it if he did. He said “No, I don’t really care to read it. That’s okay.”

I asked him what he meant by the phrase “boys will be boys” and he explained that if a girl is inappropriately dressed that it can lead to inappropriate, sexual touching and staring (sexual harassment). If a boy chooses to sexually harass someone, it’s his choice no matter what his gender is.
He explained to me that boys are more “wound up” than girls are. I didn’t quite understand what he meant by that so I asked him for a different adjective and after a minute of mumbling he chose the word “aggressive” but then followed that up with “…well I don’t think that’s the correct word to use…”. I agree, not the best word to use, eh?

I asked him to explain why boys are different than girls in this regard and he said “Well to start, all boys are attracted to girls…” I interrupted with “No. There are actually boys who are attracted to other boys.” He laughed and said “Oh, yes of course!”… I guess that part must have slipped his mind.

I asked him, in general, what the difference is between girls and boys. He said that boys “misbehave more” and are “outgoing”. He said that girls are “reserved”. That’s all. That’s the word he used, “reserved”. Boys and girls are different because they have different organs and hormones. Being a girl doesn’t automatically make me reserved. Just like being a boy doesn’t make you automatically misbehave. I explained to him that by using the phrase “Boys will be boys.”, he is excusing and condoning bad behavior from boys, such as sexual harassment and rape. “But that’s not reality, that’s your opinion.” he said.

He explained that his daughters “behave” and that his nephews were disrespectful… because they are boys. I said “That has nothing to do with their gender. They act that way because of how they were raised, the environment they are living in, and the choices they make.”

I told him that the phrases he used were sexist and stereotypical and unfair to all genders. I explained to him that many students and people of society were offended by what he said and the phrases he used. I told him that I thought he should apologize for what he said and explain to students and society that this kind of message is not okay or appropriate.

He said he wouldn’t apologize for that, but he would give me an apology, which was “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

After he dodged almost every question I asked by sharing his plans to improve LHS, he decided that he had had enough of not being able to answer my questions or concerns and ended our discussion by saying “I’m going to end this discussion.” and I was sent back to class.
There is so much wrong with what this principal is doing that I can’t even list it, but yeah here’s your takeaway:
He explained that his daughters “behave” and that his nephews were disrespectful… because they are boys. I said “That has nothing to do with their gender. They act that way because of how they were raised, the environment they are living in, and the choices they make.”
They are disrespectful because you have specifically told them they can do whatever they want and you will excuse it because they’re boys!
Lakeland Senior High School and his name is Mr. Martinez

International Fetish Day…

…is January 17, and i almost missed it!  Fortunately, my dear friend, Donna, emailed me about it, so here i am, just in time to wish you a happy one.

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According to Wikipedia:

International Fetish Day is a day supporting the BDSM community.
The main purpose of International Fetish Day is to increase awareness and support of the fetish community. BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. International Fetish Day is also designed to encourage members of the community to be more open about their sexuality.

On National Fetish Day, one of the main aspects is that members of the community wear an item of purple clothing as a sign that they are a member, in an event known as “Perverts Wear Purple”. The main benefit of this act is that it indicates that someone is a member of the community whilst being “Vanilla” at the same time. Purple is a colour widely used in BDSM circles.

Lucky for me, i almost always wear something purple, so i was celebratory today without even knowing it.  Hope you all are doing pervy things and having fun…

Did i Ask for This?

If you read my post “Sunday” then you know i didn’t do a very good job actually relaxing, even though Sir had suggested i do just that.  Lady P called me on it emphatically in her comment just a few minutes ago.  She said:

The thing is ….he gave you permission, maybe even an order to “relax and take it easy” and even in that context it’s difficult for you to allow yourself to indulge. Other days you call yourself “The Queen of Procrastination” in this blog, when you do the same relaxing non-things, while you tell yourself you should be doing something else.
Either way – you’re not really allowing yourself to relax and do nothing , whether you “cheat” or you’ve been given time to relax. Why is that? I’m pretty sure you think other people are entitled to relaxation – why not you?
Why not accept His gift to you? A day off…
With love,
Lady P

It reminded me so much of what happened when He got home.  It was late evening, late for me, anyhow.

i hug Him first, because i always do, and ask how His day went.  Then i say something like, “Well, i didn’t get anything done today, i just piddled around all day – like you told me to!”

Realizing that doesn’t sound right, i quickly backpedal, adding “Not that i thought it was an order or anything, i mean i know it wasn’t, i’m just saying… i didn’t get anything done.”

He looks at me, a bit quizzical, and says in His mildest tones, “My hope was that you’d relax and enjoy the day, not spend it feeling guilty about what you needed to do.  If you didn’t enjoy it, then you missed the point.”

There is no censure in His tone, He’s just stating the facts.   He’s not confronting me, or accusing or criticizing, and no explanations are necessary. There will be no spanking for punishment or to alleviate the foolishness i feel now.

Sigh.

Yes, Lady P, apparently i do not allow myself to actually relax and feel ok about it under any conditions.  Yes, other people can and i will tell them so.  Just Not me.  What IS that about?

Drat.  i think it’s my old friend Perfectionism rearing her ugly head again.  Apparently, i can never actually do enough.  After all, there are still problems in the world, my house is not perfect, I have cleaning and paperwork and organizing and a virtual plethora of other things undone.  And when i think about it, i get anxious.

So to relieve the anxiety, i fuss at myself, while not doing anything?

Hmmmm.  Maybe.

Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter why i am this way.  It’s not really a big surprise, i just didn’t realize how pernicious it is.  i’ve done my time figuring out the why’s and how i got this way – now i just need to work on doing it differently.

Sigh.

Which sounds kind of exhausting.  Maybe i’ll just go to bed – sleep on it…  But thanks Lady P for confronting me on it.  i bet everyone of the commenters on this post was trying to say the same thing, but most of y’all are so gentle i didn’t really get it.  Thanks though.  i’ll work on it ~~ oh, wait, that won’t work..  Giggling…

‘Night, friends…

Sunday

It’s Sunday, a beautiful day, sun’s shining, warm enough to be pleasant… So why am i sitting around all day like a slug?  Reading stuff on Facebook, getting nothing done?

Sir has gone to do some necessary things ~ as He left, He told me to relax and take it easy, to not try to get a bunch of stuff done.  But it wasn’t an order!  i could have still tackled any of the half-dozen things i need to get done.

i’m going out of town overnight tomorrow ~ if i don’t get stuff done today, it will be Wednesday before it gets done.  And here I sit.  I’ve read and reposted probably a half-dozen articles from Facebook – interesting ones, for sure.  But still.

Last night, Sir played with me again as He tucked me into bed.  He slapped my pussy, over and over, experimenting with doing it different ways, until He made me cum.  Then He covered me up and told me to get some sleep ~ i was out in about 10 seconds and didn’t wake up til morning!

i had planned to be soooo productive today.  And here i sit… haven’t exercised… not even writing a story or a fantasy.  Just piddling around.

Useless hag, i am.

i know, no point in calling myself names.  Sigh…  Ok, maybe i’ll have a cup of coffee and THEN start doing something… if that doesn’t work, maybe i’ll come back and whine some more.  i’m sure y’all would enjoy that.  {Um, not.}

Anyhow, hope you’re having a lovely day!

Suffering?

i am going to try to be more consistent about writing here, and Sin’s post – here – just got me started.

She was talking about Doms making us suffer, and i realized – Sir likes to play games with me around things that make me feel insecure.  Does that sound awful?  Here’s what He does.

He might start out asking me how I’d go to get somewhere – what route i’d take – and it’s always somewhere that i’m not completely comfortable directing someone to. Which would be most places.  i have real issues with getting lost, and have been known to tell people to turn left when i meant right, and right when it was clearly left, so just being asked for directions makes me nervous.

But there’s no getting out of it once He’s started.  If i say, “i don’t know, Sir, i don’t KNOW how to get there,” He’ll say, “Well, you have to leave the neighborhood don’t you?  Which way do you go at the end of our street?”

And of course i know that much, so i’ll sigh and say, “Right.  You go right.”

“Are you going to the expressway?  Which one?”

And usually i know that.  If not, He’ll tell me, then He’ll say, “So if you’re on X expressway, which exit do you think you’ll get off at?”

And often, i know that.  “Then which way would you go?”

Sheesh.

Little by little, step by torturous step, He verbally takes me through the twists and turns til we arrive at the destination.  OR

~ if i think i KNOW the way, and start telling Him, i might get part way through and He’ll say, “Really?  You go right there?  Huh.”  And that freaks me out – i’ll be like, “SIR!  Don’t you go right there?’

“Oh,” He’ll say, “It doesn’t matter which way I’d go, I’m asking you… I’m just surprised.  I didn’t expect you to say you’d go left.  Which way from there?”

By then, i’m off balance, and i stutter and stammer though the rest of it.  Even though most of the time He eventually says, oh, yes, that is the way He’d go, He was just surprised i knew that.

Sheesh.

When we’re finished, when we (verbally) get to where we’re going, i feel this huge, huge sense of relief.  And ~ here’s the thing ~

No way i’d do that whole conversation if i weren’t submissive and He weren’t my Dom.  It really triggers all my insecurity, all the way down to “you’re not good enough.”  It makes me feel ashamed, it makes me want to run away and hide.  It’s humiliation play.

BUT ~

by the end of it, i feel good.  It is not like the many times (don’t laugh) that other people in my youth acted like i was the stupidest person they ever met because i didn’t know how to get to Bum Fuck Wherever.  Sir never does that to me.

So it’s a healing.  A transformative experience.  It re-does the past in a way that takes the sting out, and heals some old pain.

i’m just now putting that together.  He does it with other stuff too –  He kind of leads me down some conversational paths that make me feel stupid – but then i end up feeling like it doesn’t matter if i don’t know whatever He’s asking me about ~ i’m still worthy.  Don’t have to be perfect, and if i don’t know, it doesn’t make me less lovable.

Yeah.

How about that.

And it turns me on.  It actually does – makes me wet.  Huh.

I don’t know how/if this fits in for Sin and her Master, or anyone else.  But that’s how it works for us.

Just some thoughts

Not more story, i’m sorry, i’ll get there, i think, but not right now.

i have been in a strange headspace, not a negative one, just different from where i’ve been before.  In many ways, it’s been really positive.  i’ve had lots of moments of real pleasure and satisfaction in the way things are, without a follow-up rush of anxiety that i’ve forgotten something or not done something right or any of that.  i had learned to push back on those thoughts, that anxiety, but lately there has been less of it.

When i posted the re-blogged post, i realized that his description of submissive women fit me.  At first, i thought, no, i can express my opinion – i have LOTS of opinions – not a problem.

But then i realized how willing i am to defer to Sir’s wishes ~ or my friends, for that matter, in lots of things.  Not to make it sound like i can’t be kind of bossy or – no, you know what i mean.  i am that woman they’re talking about.  Which felt a bit weird, but then ok, because Sir is that Dom.

And that’s not what i’m here to talk about, or at least that’s just peripheral.

Something is changing inside me.  i don’t know how to describe it.

i had been frustrated because i was not getting what i wanted.  i wanted more kink, more sex, more spanking, more, more, more.  And i was getting much less than i wanted.

i know, everyone has advice on that, you have to talk to him, tell him what you’re feeling, blah, blah, blah – and i thought that was probably right – i know, i know – but then it didn’t feel right either.  i mean, He knew i wanted more, i promise He did, i am not that subtle.  And He is not the kind of man who forgets, or who’s just naturally oblivious.  But it didn’t seem like a “we need to talk” kind of moment.

So i took care of other things.  i did work things, and home things, and family things.  i enjoyed the kink and the sex that He offered me.  (Yes, the caning was  lovely.)  But i just – well, i submitted.  In a very not-sexy and not-so-fun way, i just submitted to Him being the one in charge and Him setting the pace, and i waited.

i didn’t feel sexual anyhow.  Didn’t feel very submissive.  Mostly i felt vanilla.

i did work things and home things and family things, and i looked for ways to show Him that i love Him.  Not dramatic, not sexual, not kinky ways.  Just little mundane ways, that probably no one would even notice.

i do love Him, you know.

Last night, He told me something about myself ~ i had asked His opinion on something, on whether or not something i was going to do was selfish, actually, and His answer touched me so deeply.  i realized that He sees me ~ not just that He’s ~ not just that He’s willing to praise me ~ but that He sees me.

i felt humbled and uplifted at the same time.

i wanted to sit at His feet.  i needed to sit at His feet.

i waited until i was ready to go to bed, and then i asked Him ~ “Is it ok if i sit at your feet for a little bit?”

He said, “That would be wonderful,” so i did.

It felt like ~ you know, like coming home.  i felt submissive again.  And i felt turned on.

When i went to bed, just a few minutes later, He tucked me in, as He does, and tethered me with a rope.  Kissed me gently, smacked my thighs a few times, and told me to warm the bed up for Him.

In the morning – today –  i feel different.   i feel ~ reconnected with who i am.  i think ~ i think i need to ask for what i want, but in tiny, simple ways.  D/s things, that is.

In our vanilla lives, there are things i need from Him, and i need to let Him know what they are.   That’s different.

But i think maybe one of the ways i need to serve Him {or maybe this is crazy, crazy, crazy} is to ask Him for what i need – maybe not for Him to do something for me ~ i don’t know.   i mean, asking for a spanking requires attention and energy on His part.  Asking to sit at His feet or rub His back or rub His feet doesn’t.  But i do love to serve Him, so maybe i can offer that more often.

It satisfies me and makes me feel good too.

Heading home for work – don’t think i’m going to proof this, just hit publish, so if there’s errors – well, there they are.