Monthly Archives: November 2014

{Belated} Thanksgiving

Started this sometime yesterday, but another 24 hours flew by, and here i am now, a day late {but not a dollar short….}   As i was saying yesterday:

It is not Thanksgiving where i am right now, it is just Thursday.  i’m ok with that, i’m with family and lost in a lovely vanilla time.  i have not gone away – or not for long.  i am feeling grateful today, for family and friends, and especially for all of you in the blogosphere.

Not everyone has a lace where they can talk about their sexual kinks and their emotional vulnerabilities.  The non-judgmental acceptance i’ve found here has supported me in changing my life, over and over again.  Thank you all.

On the Friday after Thanksgiving, i’m sitting in a little cafe watching the waves roll in, drinking coffee and chatting with Sir.  My daughter and her little family will be here in a few hours, and my granddaughter is just about as terrific as you can imagine.    There’s a lot to be grateful for in that too.

Hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that your day is full of gifts too.  Yesterday, and today, and every day.

Piglet had noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.

— A A Milne, Winnie the Pooh

The Past

i realize tonight – maybe not for the first time, but still with a sense of shock – that when someone can’t find something, it creates a panic-y feeling inside me.  i feel it in my stomach and my chest – a tightness, a churning feeling – and i have an urgent need to FIND whatever it is  – and find it quickly – right now!!

i have not been married to my first husband for over 15 years.  He never hit me, just got explosively angry, screamed and yelled and cussed, and still 15 years later, i am mentally cringing because someone can’t find something.  Their keys, their purse, their glass of water  – doesn’t matter what it is.  The panic fills  me.

No one would ever know that.  i am the epitome of calm.  i barely know it myself.  But there it is.

i whisper about it here.

Level Two Question from Lady Elsa

Level 2: Your Relationship. Who decides how much time you will spend together and what you will do with that time? Who assigns the labels, if any? Who decides when you will move to the next level of commitment? Who decides when the current dynamic isn’t working and needs tweaking?

1.  {IRL}  i guess we both decide how much time we spend together and how we use the time.  We both work at home in the evening often, companionably together.  i can suggest we do something different, and He may or may not agree to do it with me, but He doesn’t tell me i can’t do whatever it is i want to do.  So, for example, there could be a workshop or lecture or gathering that i would like for us to go to.  i tell Him about it, and invite Him to come.  He may or may not agree to attend, but even if He doesn’t go, He won’t mind if i go.  If it’s something that i feel comfortable going to by myself, then i’ll do it.  When we’re both at home, He has the option to decide what we do with our time, but He doesn’t usually tell me what to do.

Our level of commitment isn’t likely to change ~ neither of us wants to get married ~ and we both intend to stay together monogamously.  i am not collared, and if He wanted to collar me, He’d be the one to initiate that and lead us through some conversation about what that would mean.   i don’t think He feels a need or a desire to do that.

As for deciding our dynamic needs tweaking ~ um, i can decide that all day long, and can share those thoughts with Him.  But that’s about all i can do.  Whether or not anything changes, and how it changes, is apparently up to Him.  Clearly up to Him.  i guess i could nag and bitch and try to push Him to make changes, but He’s a fairly stubborn man pretty solidly who He is.  He would listen and express understanding and then do whatever He thinks is best.  i could elicit some reaction from Him at some point, i suppose, but it would probably not be the reaction i want.

2.  {IMD}  i think i would like it if He were more directive with my time, but i might just think that.  If it really happened, i might be less than thrilled.  What i would definitely like is for Him to tweak our relationship the way i want Him to.  To add more control, more ritual, more protocol, and more kink.  Yep.

And i guess if i could make Him do that, then He would no longer be the Dominant. If i could talk Him into doing it my way, then i’d be upset about topping from the bottom, and i’d never know if it was really what He wanted and that would just be a different set of problems.


“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

i only knew David ~David in Vegas ~ through his blog, A View from the Top.   You can still read his posts here.  It is well worth a trip over there to meet him.

He wrote stories.  His half of the Frederick and Agnes stories were beyond delightful.  They were incredibly, tortuously sensual.  i loved them so much.  The last segment of a Frederick story was posted July 30, 2012.  Ever since then, i have popped over there from time to time to see if maybe there was a new chapter.

Now there never will be.  He died quite suddenly on November 5, 2014.

“People may forget what you said, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.”

i exchanged some comments with him once.  i really don’t remember what it was about, i think i commented on one of his posts, and he responded.  But whatever he said to me made me feel ~ safe.  As if somehow, from cyberspace, an aura of gentle caring emanated from him.  Seriously.

i see now that he has a tab on his blog that is about food.  Recipes.  With some occasional commentary.  Glancing through them, i immediately find at least 5 that i might try.  There is something poignant about looking at his recipes.  It is worth reading his “About” section, as he suggests, to understand why he had recipes on his blog.

i wasn’t close to David, just admired him from a distance.  Back in the day, when i was unattached, he gave me hope that someday i’d have a Dom like him.  It was just good to know they existed. But then i began to notice the effect he was having on my friend, Monkey.

i love Monkey, and read her faithfully, and i don’t know when it became obvious that her relationship with David was incredibly good for her.  i saw her began to grow in new ways, it seemed like she was discovering who she is, and maybe even beginning to sense her own true worth.  He contributed to her ability to do that, and that made me love him.  The light of their relationship shone through her blogposts.  i can only imagine how much he meant to her.

i can only imagine how devastated she is at losing him.  And i have no consolation to bring her, can’t recommend a really good self-help book that fits the circumstances, can’t even send flowers.

So i console myself with this poem, which isn’t really for her.  It’s a reminder for me, and for you, that sorrow is part of life and part of the huge risk of loving.   From The Prophet:

Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.”

And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

~~ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

i’m so sorry, Monkey…  i will always remember David too, and hold you both in my heart.  The world is better because he lived.



Questions and Cookies…

So here we go, starting to answer Lady Elsa’s 8 questions.  I’m going to give two answers to each question.  One will be the IRL {in real life} answer, the other will be IMD {in my dreams}

The first question is:

Level 1: How You Live.Who steers the overall course of your lives? Who decides where each of you will live, how each of you will be educated, and what each of you will do for a living? Who has decision-making authority over money, major purchases (house, car, boat), and vacations?

1.  {IRL}  Sir and i have only been together a few years, and neither of us is exactly young ~ well, you know, we’re young at heart, but not in years.   i already owned a house when we met, and He was renting, so it made sense that when we started living together, He moved into my house.  We both have careers that are satisfying and we’re both financially stable.   So there wasn’t any need for a lot of management, and honestly, if He had started telling me to make changes ~ to sell my house or change careers or even give Him access to my finances, i would have thought that was a huge red flag, and would probably have ended the relationship.

In terms of vacation, a lot of that is determined by the fact that my daughter lives very far away, and in a place that, as it turns out, Sir enjoys visiting.  If he hadn’t enjoyed it, i’m not sure what we would have done, although i think i probably would have gone by myself.  Sir also has adult children, and i think we agree that each of needs to make decisions about the relationships with our kids ourselves.

i had to buy a new car last year, and He helped guide that decision making process, but it was still my decision {and my car payment.}  Obviously, if we decided to buy a new house, i think we would come to an agreement together.  i can’t imagine Him insisting that we buy a house unless we both liked it.  i have no idea what i’d do if we ended up in that situation and He wanted to insist on picking a house i hated ~ because He just wouldn’t do that.  So overall, we are pretty autonomous on this level.

2.  {IMD}  In my dreams, it’s about the same.  i don’t feel like i need guidance in these areas, and i don’t think He’s interested in changing the way i do these kinds of things. On the other hand, if He wanted to buy a new house, or a boat, i’d probably be easy to convince to do it, or at least really explore the idea.  i don’t know if that’s because i’m pretty easy to get along with, or because i’m just that submissive.  How do you know the difference?



This announcement is from Jz at A Reluctant Bitch.  She says:

Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2014 will be the Five Year Anniversary of the Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza … (the crowd cheers)… and we’d love for you to join us in the fun! 

The rules are simple. Just post a recipe for a holiday goodie on Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2014.

(The name isn’t strictly accurate. We welcome all types of goodies.)

Anyone is welcome to join in … but

    There’s One Condition:

If you want your blog to show up in the official list of participant links, you MUST contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 9, with both your name and the URL of your blog. 


Master Michael S and slave angie have been doing a series on their relationship over on their blog ~ if you haven’t been there already, i strongly recommend it.  They’re responding to some questions posed by Lady Elsa, which are available on Fetlife.  Here’s the first part of their answers.

i’ve been toying with answering the questions myself, but am afraid it will just remind me of how little D/s there is in our lives.  But here’s what Lady Elsa said about the questions:

So, here’s my first draft in describing the levels. I invite you to try them out as relationship communication work or as a journaling exercise, thinking about your current relationship, or if you are currently single, about your ideal relationship. Note that “It depends,” or “We both do,” or “This isn’t really applicable to us” are all acceptable answers at any level. Note also that the order of the levels is not terribly significant; I generally tried to move from most life-altering to least, but each level could be argued for a different position.

Maybe it would be helpful for me to do them.   Maybe i’ll discover that i don’t want as much D/s as i think i do!

The first question is:

Level 1: How You Live. Who steers the overall course of your lives? Who decides where each of you will live, how each of you will be educated, and what each of you will do for a living? Who has decision-making authority over money, major purchases (house, car, boat), and vacations?

And i guess i’ll do two versions of answers – one for how it is, and one for what i think i’d like.  No time to do it right now, i’ll contemplate on it and be back tomorrow.

And btw,  Love our Lurkers continues today ~ it’s a three day event this year.  So if you’re still lurking, come on out and join the party!  i don’t bite, i promise.  You know, not unless you tell me to.

Love Our Lurkers

It’s that time of year again ~ and this may be the first year that i’m not playing “Belated Love our Lurkers.”  Look ~ i even have the logo for it!


Love our Lurkers s an annual event ~ that time when we invite the people who read our blog but don’t comment to come out in the open and say hi.

i was once a lurker myself.  Not for long, because you know, i pretty much always have something to say.  But i was super nervous and hesitant about commenting.  Actually, sometimes i still am!

But the kinky blogosphere is a warm and friendly place ~ at least i think we are ~ and there is something magical about connecting with people who think and feel the same way you do about things that you may not share with the mundane people in your life.  For some of us, other people’s blogs were the gateway into the whole world of BDSM, our first taste of Dominance and submission.

So i’m inviting you to come out of the shadows and comment if you’re new to my blog~ or even if you’re not new.  i love comments, and some of the connections i’ve made here are as strong and important as the ones with people i see often.   Come join the party..