This Post Brought to You from the Sloughs of Despond

i was planning to answer Sir Raven’s question today, but was really too despondent to get up the energy to do it.  So i wasn’t going to post at all.

Then i thought, well, maybe writing about what’s going on with me will help.   I worry that i’ll say something that will upset Sir or hurt his feelings or make things worse, but i’m pretty sure He doesn’t read here anymore – i don’t think He even knows i’m writing here again.

And i’m not saying anything against Him.

i love Him.

i thought for a minute that i was wrong before – i thought He was going to start being my Dom again.  But you know, i think that was just denial rearing its ugly head again as i dance through the grief cycle one more time.

Denial – anger – bargaining – depression – acceptance.

So i do denial.  i pretty much skip anger – oh, wait – no, i do anger, but i turn it on myself real quick, which transforms it into depression.

Then i do bargaining.  Maybe if i act submissive… Maybe if i tell him how i feel…. Maybe if i lose weight…  Maybe if – whatever…

When that doesn’t work, i get depressed.  Yes, that means i get double depression.  Hardly seems fair, does it?

Acceptance.  Yeah, i’m not there yet.  Not even close.

Today, i have eaten a ton of food, gone back to bed and couldn’t sleep, almost cried, not accomplished a single thing, and generally just wallowed in misery.  I have not exercised more than one or two days a week for weeks.

i can barely remember what it feels like to feel submissive.  i can look back on memories, but it seems like a long time ago, like something that happened to somebody else.  i haven’t felt that – click – that click when you slide into place – when you slip down into submission – i don’t remember quite what that was like.

i kind of want to curl up in a ball and stay there.

i guess i need to let go of the fantasy that it’s going to be different.  It just isn’t. Not now, not in the foreseeable future.

He has some reasons that things aren’t different, and they’re not unreasonable.  i know that.  i can be sympathetic toward where he is, i get that he didn’t want things to go this way.

And i blame myself.  i don’t know what i did, but i must have done something wrong.

i don’t know what i did wrong.

My house plants are dying, and i don’t really care.  When i water them, i over water them, and then i neglect them for too long.

maybe i did that with Sir too.

i don’t know.

i don’t want to get my nails done.  Don’t want to take a shower, don’t want to do anything.   i haven’t even answered comments on here – and i love youall.

i’m ok at work, and other places, and my life is so good in so many ways.

And today, i’m bereft.  i’m losing part of my self – maybe she’s already gone.   Maybe when i say “i’m losing…” that’s just more denial.  Maybe submissive sofia is gone.

i know, didn’t i just say this a week or two ago?  Now i’m even repetitive.

Sheesh.

i don’t know what i’m going to do.

In the long run, i don’t know what i’m going to do. Today, i guess i’ll just give myself permission to be miserable.  There is no law that says i have to be happy and well-adjusted all the fucking time.

That’s right.  i said fuck.  So what?

i can cuss “like a sailor” as they used to say in my youth.

Mother-fucking, cock-sucking son-of-bitch.

See?

When i say them, it shocks the shit out of people, which cracks me up.  i particularly like “mother-fucker.”  i haven’t used “cock-sucker” in practically forever, because it was pointed out to me that sucking cocks is a good thing, right?

Exactly.

i started to shut off comments for fear of well-intentioned advice, but i’m not going to.  Comment away – um, if you like.  Or not.  But please do not give me any advice unless it involves being ok with being miserable.

Thank you.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

~~ Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

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29 thoughts on “This Post Brought to You from the Sloughs of Despond

  1. abby

    It is totally ok to be miserable, to wish things were different, to mourn a loss,to rant , to blame yourself….even if it is not totally your fault. Go through all the stages…..be kind to yourself, and please, please let us know how you are doing.
    hugs abby

    Reply
  2. vanillamom

    potato chips are my go-to for depression. followed by (or sometimes preceding the chip frenzy) ice cream. I don’t like exotic types, just vanilla— with chocolate AND caramel sauce. I know, nilla likes nilla. *shrugs* it’s my comfort food. I’ve been ….not so sad maybe, as just kinda blerg. And the fucking time change kicks me in the ass every year…this is about the worst its been in a long while.

    Go head and be pissed.
    go ahead and be sad
    go ahead and cuss (though it ALWAYS makes me giggle to hear you say ‘motherfucker’ coz you seem like such a laydee, yanno?!) and cry and be angry.

    sometimes wallowing is just a way of getting towards acceptance. i’m sad that you’re so miserable and I can’t join you for ice cream. (don’t care if you haven’t excercised….I havent all winter. or gained weight…hell0000ooo…right there with ya).

    i like you coz you are you, that’s all.

    nilla

    Reply
  3. DelFonte

    Oh Sofia. HUGS and because I have nothing else to offer, more virtual hugs.
    My own bouts of depression – sometimes I compose (miserable music in minor keys but it is cathartic) It is ok to wallow.
    Del

    Reply
  4. ewoman88

    *big old hug* i just got my wisdom teeth out and it feels like i’ll never be able to eat again 😦 im grumpy and im having medicinal milkshakes and wallowing with you from all the way up north, enjoy your misery, there is really is often nothing better than a good cry/bought of the grumps 😀 curl up in some blankets. binge watch a favourite tv show, or read something that doesn’t require a lot of attention, take care of yourself first, worry about life’s bullshit later 😉

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Jade – i may do that… gotta go to the grocery in a minute here, pondering a pedicure or a trip to the used book store…

      Reply
  5. areluctantbitchJz

    I’m kind of thinking we can find a way to incorporate potato chips into a nice chocolate sundae – altho’ if I’m in attendance, there WILL be dairy delights of more than just nilla’s vanilla.
    Because if we’re going to wallow, goddammit, we’re going to wallow RIGHT!!

    Major Bumpage…
    Yy

    Reply
  6. monkey

    I’m good at the moment, but you know, I’ve been there in the slough.

    Many times.

    Prolly will be again.

    So I can totally do sympathetic wallowing… AND… I’m always up for an orgy of dairy decadence! I’ll bring the peppermint and the butter pecan.

    You can cuss at me any time sweety. I promise my shock will be genuine.

    :(|)
    k

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, Monkey – thanks – butter pecan sounds lovely! I will keep that offer in mind – or your acceptance of my offer of decadent wallowing, right? Butter pecan was my mother’s favorite ice cream, so there’s that too. 🙂

      Thank you!!

      Reply
  7. Sue

    Just sending hugs, and an absolute endorsement of the rightness of mourning and grieving and ranting and feeling as bad as you need to for as long as you need to.

    Sue

    Reply
  8. innocuous37

    Thanks for the invite – I get all that you said, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and bingeing, as you know my relationship has changed too.

    AND it’s fucking snowing again, they are calling for up to a foot of snow, AND I had a test today and I have my fucking period. Again. I think somehow I’m on a two week cycle. Arggg.

    -sin

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, sin – Cool – all that wallowing will be lovely. We’ll be a big submissive ice-creamy mess.

      Cold here too – 75 on Tuesday, down to 21 last night. Don’t think we’re getting snow, but ya never know. At least i don’t have to worry about periods anymore….

      Thank you, Sin.

      Reply
  9. faithfulreader2

    Just a hug and I DO FEEL your pain- although mine has to do with PTSD , but never the less going through the emotions too- although I think I got to acceptance pretty fast because I had to for his survival (not mine). That being said…. it sucks and you have every right to feel miserable et al.

    ~faithful

    Reply
    1. michelle

      Oh, and that part about blaming yourself? I do that too. And i finally figured out that I do it when I’m actually angry at the other person. That I feel angry and then guilty that I’m amgry at this person so I find a way to blame myself. Because somehow it’s easier to be mad at me than another person.

      Reply

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