i was planning to answer Sir Raven’s question today, but was really too despondent to get up the energy to do it. So i wasn’t going to post at all.
Then i thought, well, maybe writing about what’s going on with me will help. I worry that i’ll say something that will upset Sir or hurt his feelings or make things worse, but i’m pretty sure He doesn’t read here anymore – i don’t think He even knows i’m writing here again.
And i’m not saying anything against Him.
i love Him.
i thought for a minute that i was wrong before – i thought He was going to start being my Dom again. But you know, i think that was just denial rearing its ugly head again as i dance through the grief cycle one more time.
Denial – anger – bargaining – depression – acceptance.
So i do denial. i pretty much skip anger – oh, wait – no, i do anger, but i turn it on myself real quick, which transforms it into depression.
Then i do bargaining. Maybe if i act submissive… Maybe if i tell him how i feel…. Maybe if i lose weight… Maybe if – whatever…
When that doesn’t work, i get depressed. Yes, that means i get double depression. Hardly seems fair, does it?
Acceptance. Yeah, i’m not there yet. Not even close.
Today, i have eaten a ton of food, gone back to bed and couldn’t sleep, almost cried, not accomplished a single thing, and generally just wallowed in misery. I have not exercised more than one or two days a week for weeks.
i can barely remember what it feels like to feel submissive. i can look back on memories, but it seems like a long time ago, like something that happened to somebody else. i haven’t felt that – click – that click when you slide into place – when you slip down into submission – i don’t remember quite what that was like.
i kind of want to curl up in a ball and stay there.
i guess i need to let go of the fantasy that it’s going to be different. It just isn’t. Not now, not in the foreseeable future.
He has some reasons that things aren’t different, and they’re not unreasonable. i know that. i can be sympathetic toward where he is, i get that he didn’t want things to go this way.
And i blame myself. i don’t know what i did, but i must have done something wrong.
i don’t know what i did wrong.
My house plants are dying, and i don’t really care. When i water them, i over water them, and then i neglect them for too long.
maybe i did that with Sir too.
i don’t know.
i don’t want to get my nails done. Don’t want to take a shower, don’t want to do anything. i haven’t even answered comments on here – and i love youall.
i’m ok at work, and other places, and my life is so good in so many ways.
And today, i’m bereft. i’m losing part of my self – maybe she’s already gone. Maybe when i say “i’m losing…” that’s just more denial. Maybe submissive sofia is gone.
i know, didn’t i just say this a week or two ago? Now i’m even repetitive.
i don’t know what i’m going to do.
In the long run, i don’t know what i’m going to do. Today, i guess i’ll just give myself permission to be miserable. There is no law that says i have to be happy and well-adjusted all the fucking time.
That’s right. i said fuck. So what?
i can cuss “like a sailor” as they used to say in my youth.
Mother-fucking, cock-sucking son-of-bitch.
When i say them, it shocks the shit out of people, which cracks me up. i particularly like “mother-fucker.” i haven’t used “cock-sucker” in practically forever, because it was pointed out to me that sucking cocks is a good thing, right?
i started to shut off comments for fear of well-intentioned advice, but i’m not going to. Comment away – um, if you like. Or not. But please do not give me any advice unless it involves being ok with being miserable.
“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”
~~ Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times