Category Archives: Q and A


In case you haven’t heard, March is Q and A month is the blogosphere.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask.  It may be a few days before I can answer right now, because I still have limited internet access and limited privacy, but any and all questions are welcome.


My Answers to A Kind Dom’s Test…

A few days ago, i printed the questions that A Kind Dom (Pygar/Beau) had posted.  I sent my answers to him and he gave me feedback and graded them, which was very nice.  I’ll post his feedback in another post if you’re interested, but in the meantime, here are my answers:

BDSM 101

End of Semester examination paper
Answer all questions
Time allowed: 90 minutes
Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.

SSC – Safe, sane and consensual –

RACK Risk Aware Consensual Kink

b) Why are they important?
They’re important because they’re (part of) the guiding principals that help keep BDSM safe.

c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?

One advantage of SSC is that is focuses clearly on an expectation. This may increase the likelihood that people will consider this aspect carefully before getting involved in some activity. Sane sounds good too, suggesting that you understand what you’re doing and are able to make decisions in your own best interests.

It’s also a disadvantage – some of the things we do are just not “safe” by vanilla standards, so someone may not engage in activities that would be wonderful because they’re not “safe” enough. In the same way, it could be argued that many of the things we do are essentially not “sane.” Besides, defining ‘sane” is not always easy – does that mean that someone who’s bipolar can’t participate? Does it just mean some kind of common sense? It’s not clear.

The advantage of RACK is that it is arguably more realistic – it recognizes that there is an element of risk in some of the activities we engage in, but suggests that you simply need to be aware of the risks before consenting to it. It doesn’t try to define what someone can or can’t do, simply leaves it up to the individual’s informed consent.

The disadvantage is that it may not put enough emphasis on safety – it raises the question, are some activities so risky that you really couldn’t fully grasp the risks and agree to it? Or could you agree to anything?

d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

I favor RACK. I think SSC is too open to interpretation and defining “safe” and “sane” are not so easy. I prefer the idea of “informed consent” as recognizing inherent risk and providing choice.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

Well, I was married to a man who was Dominant, but he began to drink a lot and want to play after he’d been drinking. I could no longer trust him to be aware of what was going on with me, and sometimes he hurt me in ways that he didn’t even intend to. When I realized what was going on, we talked about it, but he was angry with me and talking about it wasn’t very helpful. When I realized that he couldn’t limit his drinking, or make safe decisions when we were playing, i quit being willing to scene with him, and we ended up getting divorced.
3. Overheard at a munch. “In the end it is all about sex isn’t it?” What do you think he meant? Was he right?

I think he meant that the real purpose of BDSM – the D/s and the M/s and the serving and boot-blacking and so on – are really just intended to lead to great sex – that ultimately it comes back to that. And maybe that we do these things because they are sexually arousing, ultimately.

I’m not sure if I agree or not. Sex is such a powerful force that really, maybe it’s at the heart of everything we do. On the other hand, i think that the desire to serve, for example, or the desire to be a good master, may transcend that – or at least it transcends “sex” in the sense of genital contact between people for orgasmic pleasure. If we think of sex as a driving life force, then yeah, it probably is all about sex.

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Fascinating question! Legally, I have no idea what they “should” do, but I don’t think they should arrest and charge him. If she’s admitting, at the time she goes to them, that she consented at the time, but that the consent is not valid because of her mental illness, I don’t think she has a case.

In order for her to not be able to consent, she would have to have already been found incompetent and be under the care of a guardian. Even if she’s on disability and has a payee, that’s not the same as being found incompetent in a court of law to make personal decisions. If she were stating that he had coerced her into consenting, that might be reason to charge him, but even then it’s going to be a super weak case. As much as I like the idea of RACK, I don’t think there’s a legal obligation for informed consent for beatings.

I think the police might have to arrest him or notify him that charges have been filed, but I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.
Section B

Write a haiku about pain.
His hands so gentle sweet
caress and stroke the skin ~
broken by the whip

2. Complete this paragraph, “I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because … The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

I am a submissive because i strongly desire a relationship with a man who can lead and guide me. Sexually, i enjoy “bottoming,” and have a spanking fetish, but a big part of my pleasure comes from pleasing my partner. i like to obey. i am deeply committed to serving others, and this is also an aspect of my career. Even in “leadership” roles, i tend to be a “servant leader.” i have always wanted to “belong to” someone, to give myself to someone who would care for and value me, at least in part, because of my submissive nature.
3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

“Bend over,” he says.

“But – Sir – please – i didn’t mean…”

“Sara.” His voice is stern.

“Yes, Sir, yes, i am,” and i bend at the waist so my torso is bent over the arm of the chair.

I feel his hands lifting my skirt. Sliding panties over my ass, down my thighs, letting them pool around my ankles. “Step out,” he says, tapping the inside of my thighs.

Careful in my heels, i lift one foot at a time, put each one back down as far apart as i can.

His hand, probing between my legs, make me gasp. “Wet,” he says, “I knew you would be. Such a slut.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, “i am, Sir.”

“How many licks?” He says.

“Ten, Sir.” i am quick to respond, i have learned that trying to delay the inevitable doesn’t work out well.

“And what is this for?”

i turn my head so my voice won’t be muffled in the chair. i don’t want him to have to repeat it. “For disobeying, Sir.”

“That’s right. You will count and thank me. Let’s practice that once.”

i hear the swish, but before i am ready, it lands, sharp and stinging, right in the middle of my cheeks.

“One, Sir, thank you, Sir,” i say. It always makes me want to giggle the first time i say it.

“Good,” he says. “Now we begin. This will be one.”

By the third lick of the switch, i no longer have an urge to giggle.

The blow lands in a different place each time, but by five, they are criss-crossing, and i am struggling to stay in position.

At eight, whimpering, tears welling up, i put my hands behind me, trying to cover my ass. “Eight, thank you, Sir,” i say, but my hands are in the way.

“Move your hands,” he says. “That will be one extra. Do I need to restrain you?””

“Yes, Sir, please,” i say, i am sure i can’t keep my hands out of the way for two more – no three more, right? Two more or three more?

“Put your hands on your neck,” he says, and quickly he cuffs them together. i cannot protect myself now

The next lick lands on that tender spot between butt and thighs. “NINE!” i call out, “Nine, thank you, Sir,” gasping with pain.

“You’re not accepting this,” he says. “You’re fighting it. Two more, and I want you to welcome them. Open yourself to me and appreciate that I care enough to punish you. Let the pain remind you not to disobey again, to take care of what belongs to me.”

His words touch something deep inside me, and i feel it – what he wants – i feel my heart open and my body softens. ‘

The next one lands and it hurts, it hurts more than any of the others, but i let it roll though me, over me, take me to that deeper place where all that matters is what he wants. My voice is different this time when i say it, “Ten, thank you, Sir.”

“One more,” he says, “And this time I want you to ask me for it.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, and the words come easily, “One more, please, Sir.”

It lands, and omg, it hurts, hurts, hurts, but through the pain, i feel love and gratitude, so the words come easy, “Eleven, Sir, thank you, Sir.”

He unfastens my hands then. i wait.

“Come here,” he says, and his arms wrap around me, pulling me up, turns me to face him. i wrap myself around him, melting into him, feeling waves of love.

“Don’t do that again,” he says. “Next time I tell you to make your doctor appointment for an annual check-up, do it. Clear? You are to take care of my property.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say. i am smiling, just a hint of a smile, but smiling. i know that now he is finished punishing me, he will let me kneel before him and use my mouth to please him. i am eager to do that.

Sir Raven’s Questions (At Last!)

Sir Raven asked a couple of questions and i’m just now answering – barely under the wire.

How did you come to terms with your submission?

Well, once Mike helped me see that i really am submissive (if you missed that part, click here) then i started researching the whole BDSM/kink world with great enthusiasm.  The book that influenced me the most was:  Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex.  i LOVED that book.

I had never realized that i could act on my fantasies without ending up in some ridiculous Story of O scenario.  Once i realized that –

i had some mildly kinky experiences with this man i also met on the phone line, but the most we actually “did” was some petting in a parking lot during which he stroked me with a whip and turned me on insanely and then wouldn’t let me come.  That was pretty fabulous.

Then i met my second husband.  He claimed to be a Dominant.    i had brought it up first, (by leaving my book next to the bed) and i don’t think he’d ever considered it before, and i don’t think he’d really thought it through.  But still.

We had some really good times for about a year, then we got married, and had a mediocre year, and then he got lost in alcohol and we had a really not-so-good year where we quit having any D/s, and then no sex, and then he wouldn’t even touch me, and finally he wouldn’t actually eat food i’d cooked.  He drank whiskey, in little airplane bottles – dozens of them – from dawn to dusk, and then he’d fall into bed and pass out.

That really didn’t work for me, so i ended the marriage.

THEN, i discovered online dating, and met my first “real” dominant, and THEN when that was over, i found the kinky community.  THAT was a whole new ballgame and all the time, i kept learning new things about myself and what i liked and didn’t like, what i wanted and needed and what the possibilities were.

For me, it has been a process of expanding who i am and then contracting it, clipping off parts that are not-me and incorporating or assimilating parts that are.

Of course, i’m in a state of real flux now.   Lately, Sir has done some things that suggest D/s may still be part of who we are, which is nice.  And there is no doubt in my mind that He is who i’m “supposed to” be with.  But it’s not going to be the way i had imagined it, and there are parts of me that just aren’t going to get what i want, or what i think i want.

i don’t know how that plays out in the long run.  And it could change, i know that.  But i try to accept things the way they are rather than focusing on what i want to be different, or expecting it to change.  i’m not sure what i’ll do or how i’ll react, or what the future will bring.

And really, that takes me to the next question from SR:

2.  What advice would you give to another woman struggling with it, or wanting to try submission?

Find your deepest self, and try to stay true to that part of you.

Really, I could elaborate on that 300 ways, but it comes down to that basic principle.  Figure out who you are and be that person, to the best of your ability, wherever you are, and whatever the challenge.

So if you’re submissive and your Master wants you to do XYZ, you have to figure out how the person you are does that while being true to who you are.  Does that even make any sense?

Now, having given that advice, i have to go away and figure out how to take the advice myself…

Thank you for the questions, SR.  Sorry it took me so long to respond!!


Abby’s Questions

1. When did you first realize you were submissive?

I was first aware of it when I was fairly young, but it was very connected to sex.  So if I felt a deep sense of intimacy with someone, i would want to be submissive to them.  Unfortunately, the men i shared that kind of intimacy with were not budding Doms and they were baffled by my sudden declarations of wanting to belong to them or wanting to do anything they wanted.  i learned not to say it.

I didn’t embrace my submission til much later, when i was in my late 40’s.

2. What words make you feel immediately submissive?

This is awful, but i’m not sure i remember…  One thing that does it though is being told what to do and how to do it in a certain tone of voice.

But i don’t think i’ve slid down into that place of immediate submission in a long time.  A hand in my hair right at the nape of my neck has been another good way to get me there.

3. If you could plan a play time….how would you want to start? What would you positively not want to include?

i would want it to start with something that would make me feel submissive.  Being told to sit at his feet, or take his shoes off would be a good beginning.  Or told to take my clothes off.

i would not want it to include – i dunno – water play.  Any of my hard limits.  Other than that, i don’t think i’d care.

Great questions, Abby!!  Thanks for asking.

A Jz Stumper

This is a great question from Jz, and i challenge all of you to give it a try.

~  As a special treat, you are allowed to relive the happiest day of your life and the happiest week of your life…

Do they overlap?
Could you tell us what they would be?

Oh, this has just made me pause completely.  My brain freezes.  The happiest day of my life… what would that be?

~  My first wedding day?

~  My second wedding day?

~ The day i met Sir? I don’t remember what else was going on that day…  The day he moved in?  i don’t know, it was such a mix of excitement and hard work and anxiety and.. i don’t know.

~  The day my daughter was born?  Well, maybe – but – during labor?  no.  After labor?  Well, the day was almost over by then.  And i was awfully tired.  The next day?  When I was just beginning to realize what it meant to have a baby in the house… first time breastfeeding and people visiting and being tired and happy, yes, but so many other things – omg, no. So many overwhelming things that were wonderful and scary at the same time…

And I get to relive it?  Oh, no, wait, that makes it much harder.  i don’t want to relive any of those days, much less a whole week!  Let me think…  nope.

Here’s a close as it gets:

Once upon a time, i was just a good vanilla girl, with a not-so-great marriage and an unhappy-ending relationship behind me.  i was looking for love in some interesting places, including a dating phone line.

i had just had an afternoon coffee date with this guy who i thought i might like, but not enough that i was through shopping.  So i’m on the phone later, and i start talking to this man.  Mike.  Yeah, i’ll call him Mike.

i was already feeling happy.  My life was in a pretty good place.  Things going well at work, good at home, and now a dating life, and men who thought i was attractive… yeah.  Life was good.

And then Mike – Mike who was all Irish blarney and nonsense, sweet-talking fast, kept me off-balance, swept me off my feet and into his arms – into his bed – faster than any good girl should go.

i’ve told the story before, if you’ve heard it before, don’t feel obliged to read, feel free to go on to another kinky blog.  But when i remember it, i get lost in it again.  Particularly the beginning – you know how beginnings are – fresh and full of promise that we know can’t be filled, won’t be lived up to, there is no happy-ever-after for always, but still, in that beginning it seems to hold the promise of the universe and maybe, just maybe, just this once…

Yeah.  Fairytales and star-dust – and i don’t mean that to be bitter, just that it can’t be like that – reality is, and Mike had plenty of faults and it was never meant to last anyhow.

But oh, that beginning.

I can still hear his voice, “You have the prettiest ankles I’ve ever seen,” he says, that first night we meet, it is the first thing he says to me.   “Look at those ankles! Lift your skirt up a little bit and let me see if your legs are as pretty…”

Silly, silly things he said…

“I am going to make you cum, over, and over, and over again.”  And i didn’t believe that – i’d heard that before, empty promises – but omg, omg.

He pursued me, seduced me, kept me on the edge…

And he Dommed me.  Never said the word.  Never mentioned kink or BDSM.  “I like a woman that minds,” he’d say.  “How do you get a woman to mind?” He’d say – and he’d laugh, a wry chuckle, “You just have to tell her to do things she wants to do.  Now come over here, come on, right now, you need to cum, let’s see how many times I can make you cum..”

Well, you know, who could resist that?

He made me cum – dozens of time a day.  Every day.  Well, 4 or 5 days a week.  For months.  About three months.


He made me laugh, he made me cum, he made me love him for the stubborn, contrary, opinionated man he really was.  And omg, i felt good all the time.  Well, you try it.  A dozen orgasms to start the day before work, messages on my VM in-between meetings and such about what he would do later, about how beautiful i was, orgasms before dinner, dinner out on the town, and orgasms before bed.

How could i not be happy?    My brain chemistry was set on high for pleasure, and if there was a little withdrawal on the off days, well, it was a small price to pay.

i danced through my days.  Lost weight without trying.  Got a raise and a promotion at work.  Didn’t feel stressed.


“Are you wearing panties?” he would say.  We’d be eating out, like we usually did.  If i said yes, he’d say, “You are?  Go take them off and bring them here.  Now, go, hurry up, mind me.”  And giggling, feeling silly and thrilled, i’d go take them off and slip them over to him.

Well.  Those were the days, my friend.

i don’t know if i could bear to live them over again, knowing the end, knowing how vulnerable i was, no, i don’t think so.  Maybe just in my mind.

He’s dead now, Mike is, has been for – wow, almost 10 years now.  And we had ended things before that anyhow.   It was never meant to last.

But lord, it was fun.

We had a huge fight once about submission.  He insisted on reading from the Bible to me, you know, the “wives submit” passage, and youall know how i feel about that.  So we got in this big argument, and i left, but i came back the next day to get my jacket, and get one last orgasm, and we patched it up.

And he said, “I don’t know why you get so mad about that.  I don’t understand that.  You are the most submissive woman I’ve ever met.  You’ll do anything I tell you to.”

And something inside me knew he was right.

Ok, it wasn’t the first time i’d had an inkling, but it was the first time i realized it was frigging true and it wasn’t something awful, it’s just how i am.

That’s why it leads into Sir Raven’s question, and i’ll answer that one next, but this story is the beginning of how i came to terms with my submissive self.

Mike was real sure he was going to hell.  He’d done some pretty bad things at one time in his life, and he didn’t have any doubt that he was headed for hell.  But he was so funny, and he gave me (and so many other women) so much pleasure.  i can’t imagine God depriving herself of Mike’s company.

Well, you know, if there is a God, and if She has a sense of humor.


Thanks for the question, Jz.  i hadn’t relived those times in a while.  🙂

Jade’s Questions: Part II

4. Do you believe in past lives? If so, do you think you have known your Sir in a previous life?

I used to not believe in past lives.  Now, i’m not sure.  i think that probably our souls are recycled, so yeah, i guess i do. And on some level, i know that i’m an old soul.  So i must believe in them.

i have no idea if Sir and i knew each other, i don’t really have a sense of that.  And i’m a bit skeptical of people who remember their past lives.  Not saying they don’t, but i take it with a grain of salt.

5. What kind of love languages do you speak?

The five languages are:  Words of affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.  i think the one i give the most of is Words of affirmation, and i guess that’s the one i like receiving most too.  For Sir, i like doing acts of service, but i don’t think that’s really my go-to for other people.   i need physical touch, and Sir is always ready to wrap His body around me at night when we’re going to sleep.  i love that.

I always think that Receiving gifts is low on my list, but I also get a big thrill out of it when someone gives me something.  And Quality time is big on my list too – giving and getting.  But yeah, words of affirmation are first.

6. What have you learned about yourself from being in a D/s relationship?

Wow, that’s a hard one.  i’ve learned a lot, but i don’t know if i can articulate it well.

I’ve learned that i don’t have to hide who i am – that i can be genuine on this kind of deep level and it’s ok.  The world doesn’t end, people don’t run screaming into the night.

i’ve learned that being submissive doesn’t mean losing myself.  It means being more of who i am.

I’ve learned that rigid categories and rules about how things are supposed to be are not really so helpful.  That being open to the universe and possibility is more important than adhering to other people’s expectations.  Like believing that having an orgasm is the goal of intimate sexual activity – and learning that is not necessarily the case, but that sexual intimacy is more complex and interesting than that.

i’ve gotten better about asking for what i want ~ i’m still not great at it, but better than i used to be.  i’m better able to recognize that i really don’t have to do everything on my own, that it’s ok to need.  And i’ve learned that i really do have a need to submit, even when the need is not being met, and maybe not going to be met, it is still there.

Thanks for the great questions, Jade!

Questions, by JZ – the easy ones

-What is your “go-to” book when you need to be distracted?

Oh, i have a bunch of them, but lately i’ve been doing all of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse series.  Sir is not a fan of vampire related stories or movies, and He turns his nose up a bit when He sees me reading them, but that’s ok.  i love Sookie, and Charlaine Harris, although i really like her Lily Bard series the best.

i like Nora Roberts, and her J.D. Robb books, and Sir turns His non-fiction reading nose up at them too.

Perennial favorites for comfort are Anne of Green Gables, the Taran series, by Lloyd Alexander, and anything by Madeleine L’engle.   The problem with reading L’engle is that once i start one of her  books, i end up wanting to read the whole series.  The characters in her books intertwine with each other, so you have characters from one series popping up in another, and people sometimes turn out to be surprisingly related.  i love that.

Oh, and Louisa May Alcott.  Not just Little Women and Little Men, but An Old-Fashioned Girl and Eight Cousins and all of them.  i like her “lurid” romance novels too, but they’re not comfort reading.

-What sort of decor makes you the most comfortable?

Hmmmm, eclectic.  Not formal.  i like mamma-san chairs and those wicker ones like Morticia Adams used to sit in, although i don’t have one of those.   This one is particularly nice:


My furniture these days is all easy movable so i can reconfigure my living room in a minute.  Light colors, with splashes of bright color.  And lots of light in the room.  i remodeled my house several years ago so that there would be more natural light.

-Adventure trek or luxury hotel?

Luxury hotel, with a one night adventure trek on the side.  Mildly adventurous.

-The mandala in your header pic – is it one you own? And what form is it in? I’m assuming some sort of fabric (rug, hanging) but I’m not certain…

No, it’s actually a sand mandala that some Buddhist monks made.  i had the opportunity to watch them work on it, and took pictures of the process, which is pretty damn amazing.




It took them a week to do it.


Once they’ve completed it, they take it to the river here and ceremoniously let it go.  i haven’t seen that part of the process actually, so i can only imagine what that’s like.

Great questions, Jz – i’ll be back later to answer the hard one…