My Answers to A Kind Dom’s Test…

A few days ago, i printed the questions that A Kind Dom (Pygar/Beau) had posted.  I sent my answers to him and he gave me feedback and graded them, which was very nice.  I’ll post his feedback in another post if you’re interested, but in the meantime, here are my answers:

BDSM 101

End of Semester examination paper
Answer all questions
Time allowed: 90 minutes
Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.

SSC – Safe, sane and consensual –

RACK Risk Aware Consensual Kink

b) Why are they important?
They’re important because they’re (part of) the guiding principals that help keep BDSM safe.

c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?

One advantage of SSC is that is focuses clearly on safety.as an expectation. This may increase the likelihood that people will consider this aspect carefully before getting involved in some activity. Sane sounds good too, suggesting that you understand what you’re doing and are able to make decisions in your own best interests.

It’s also a disadvantage – some of the things we do are just not “safe” by vanilla standards, so someone may not engage in activities that would be wonderful because they’re not “safe” enough. In the same way, it could be argued that many of the things we do are essentially not “sane.” Besides, defining ‘sane” is not always easy – does that mean that someone who’s bipolar can’t participate? Does it just mean some kind of common sense? It’s not clear.

The advantage of RACK is that it is arguably more realistic – it recognizes that there is an element of risk in some of the activities we engage in, but suggests that you simply need to be aware of the risks before consenting to it. It doesn’t try to define what someone can or can’t do, simply leaves it up to the individual’s informed consent.

The disadvantage is that it may not put enough emphasis on safety – it raises the question, are some activities so risky that you really couldn’t fully grasp the risks and agree to it? Or could you agree to anything?

d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

I favor RACK. I think SSC is too open to interpretation and defining “safe” and “sane” are not so easy. I prefer the idea of “informed consent” as recognizing inherent risk and providing choice.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

Well, I was married to a man who was Dominant, but he began to drink a lot and want to play after he’d been drinking. I could no longer trust him to be aware of what was going on with me, and sometimes he hurt me in ways that he didn’t even intend to. When I realized what was going on, we talked about it, but he was angry with me and talking about it wasn’t very helpful. When I realized that he couldn’t limit his drinking, or make safe decisions when we were playing, i quit being willing to scene with him, and we ended up getting divorced.
3. Overheard at a munch. “In the end it is all about sex isn’t it?” What do you think he meant? Was he right?

I think he meant that the real purpose of BDSM – the D/s and the M/s and the serving and boot-blacking and so on – are really just intended to lead to great sex – that ultimately it comes back to that. And maybe that we do these things because they are sexually arousing, ultimately.

I’m not sure if I agree or not. Sex is such a powerful force that really, maybe it’s at the heart of everything we do. On the other hand, i think that the desire to serve, for example, or the desire to be a good master, may transcend that – or at least it transcends “sex” in the sense of genital contact between people for orgasmic pleasure. If we think of sex as a driving life force, then yeah, it probably is all about sex.

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Fascinating question! Legally, I have no idea what they “should” do, but I don’t think they should arrest and charge him. If she’s admitting, at the time she goes to them, that she consented at the time, but that the consent is not valid because of her mental illness, I don’t think she has a case.

In order for her to not be able to consent, she would have to have already been found incompetent and be under the care of a guardian. Even if she’s on disability and has a payee, that’s not the same as being found incompetent in a court of law to make personal decisions. If she were stating that he had coerced her into consenting, that might be reason to charge him, but even then it’s going to be a super weak case. As much as I like the idea of RACK, I don’t think there’s a legal obligation for informed consent for beatings.

I think the police might have to arrest him or notify him that charges have been filed, but I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.
Section B

Write a haiku about pain.
His hands so gentle sweet
caress and stroke the skin ~
broken by the whip

2. Complete this paragraph, “I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because … The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

I am a submissive because i strongly desire a relationship with a man who can lead and guide me. Sexually, i enjoy “bottoming,” and have a spanking fetish, but a big part of my pleasure comes from pleasing my partner. i like to obey. i am deeply committed to serving others, and this is also an aspect of my career. Even in “leadership” roles, i tend to be a “servant leader.” i have always wanted to “belong to” someone, to give myself to someone who would care for and value me, at least in part, because of my submissive nature.
3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

“Bend over,” he says.

“But – Sir – please – i didn’t mean…”

“Sara.” His voice is stern.

“Yes, Sir, yes, i am,” and i bend at the waist so my torso is bent over the arm of the chair.

I feel his hands lifting my skirt. Sliding panties over my ass, down my thighs, letting them pool around my ankles. “Step out,” he says, tapping the inside of my thighs.

Careful in my heels, i lift one foot at a time, put each one back down as far apart as i can.

His hand, probing between my legs, make me gasp. “Wet,” he says, “I knew you would be. Such a slut.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, “i am, Sir.”

“How many licks?” He says.

“Ten, Sir.” i am quick to respond, i have learned that trying to delay the inevitable doesn’t work out well.

“And what is this for?”

i turn my head so my voice won’t be muffled in the chair. i don’t want him to have to repeat it. “For disobeying, Sir.”

“That’s right. You will count and thank me. Let’s practice that once.”

i hear the swish, but before i am ready, it lands, sharp and stinging, right in the middle of my cheeks.

“One, Sir, thank you, Sir,” i say. It always makes me want to giggle the first time i say it.

“Good,” he says. “Now we begin. This will be one.”

By the third lick of the switch, i no longer have an urge to giggle.

The blow lands in a different place each time, but by five, they are criss-crossing, and i am struggling to stay in position.

At eight, whimpering, tears welling up, i put my hands behind me, trying to cover my ass. “Eight, thank you, Sir,” i say, but my hands are in the way.

“Move your hands,” he says. “That will be one extra. Do I need to restrain you?””

“Yes, Sir, please,” i say, i am sure i can’t keep my hands out of the way for two more – no three more, right? Two more or three more?

“Put your hands on your neck,” he says, and quickly he cuffs them together. i cannot protect myself now

The next lick lands on that tender spot between butt and thighs. “NINE!” i call out, “Nine, thank you, Sir,” gasping with pain.

“You’re not accepting this,” he says. “You’re fighting it. Two more, and I want you to welcome them. Open yourself to me and appreciate that I care enough to punish you. Let the pain remind you not to disobey again, to take care of what belongs to me.”

His words touch something deep inside me, and i feel it – what he wants – i feel my heart open and my body softens. ‘

The next one lands and it hurts, it hurts more than any of the others, but i let it roll though me, over me, take me to that deeper place where all that matters is what he wants. My voice is different this time when i say it, “Ten, thank you, Sir.”

“One more,” he says, “And this time I want you to ask me for it.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, and the words come easily, “One more, please, Sir.”

It lands, and omg, it hurts, hurts, hurts, but through the pain, i feel love and gratitude, so the words come easy, “Eleven, Sir, thank you, Sir.”

He unfastens my hands then. i wait.

“Come here,” he says, and his arms wrap around me, pulling me up, turns me to face him. i wrap myself around him, melting into him, feeling waves of love.

“Don’t do that again,” he says. “Next time I tell you to make your doctor appointment for an annual check-up, do it. Clear? You are to take care of my property.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say. i am smiling, just a hint of a smile, but smiling. i know that now he is finished punishing me, he will let me kneel before him and use my mouth to please him. i am eager to do that.

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8 thoughts on “My Answers to A Kind Dom’s Test…

  1. mckitten

    just so you know, current law in the UK (and the US too I believe I am right in thinking) states that you cannot consent to abuse, so any BDSM contracts, agreements etc would not be recognised by law. In the example given, the police could investigate and charge James. It doesn’t matter if Sarah agreed at the time or not. It doesn’t matter if she was mentally able to agree at the time or not. Legally she CANNOT agree, so can report and charges can be made.

    Reply
  2. sofia Post author

    Oh, you’re probably right, McKitten – thanks for pointing that out! I was thinking in terms of what I thought the police should do, but you’re probably right. 🙂

    Reply
  3. vanillamom

    A really well thought out and well written piece. I loved your little story…If Pygar doesn’t give you an A– I will. 😀

    nilla

    Reply
  4. Pygar

    Thanks sofia – and all the others above for their comments. If I recollect correctly I am sure nilla that I gave sofia at least an A!

    I linked to the paper last week and this week have written a post about question 3 relating to issues of consent. I quoted your answer and gave a few more thoughts of my own. You can read the post here.

    Best wishes

    Pygar xx

    Reply

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