Sir Raven’s Questions (At Last!)

Sir Raven asked a couple of questions and i’m just now answering – barely under the wire.

How did you come to terms with your submission?

Well, once Mike helped me see that i really am submissive (if you missed that part, click here) then i started researching the whole BDSM/kink world with great enthusiasm.  The book that influenced me the most was:  Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex.  i LOVED that book.

I had never realized that i could act on my fantasies without ending up in some ridiculous Story of O scenario.  Once i realized that –

i had some mildly kinky experiences with this man i also met on the phone line, but the most we actually “did” was some petting in a parking lot during which he stroked me with a whip and turned me on insanely and then wouldn’t let me come.  That was pretty fabulous.

Then i met my second husband.  He claimed to be a Dominant.    i had brought it up first, (by leaving my book next to the bed) and i don’t think he’d ever considered it before, and i don’t think he’d really thought it through.  But still.

We had some really good times for about a year, then we got married, and had a mediocre year, and then he got lost in alcohol and we had a really not-so-good year where we quit having any D/s, and then no sex, and then he wouldn’t even touch me, and finally he wouldn’t actually eat food i’d cooked.  He drank whiskey, in little airplane bottles – dozens of them – from dawn to dusk, and then he’d fall into bed and pass out.

That really didn’t work for me, so i ended the marriage.

THEN, i discovered online dating, and met my first “real” dominant, and THEN when that was over, i found the kinky community.  THAT was a whole new ballgame and all the time, i kept learning new things about myself and what i liked and didn’t like, what i wanted and needed and what the possibilities were.

For me, it has been a process of expanding who i am and then contracting it, clipping off parts that are not-me and incorporating or assimilating parts that are.

Of course, i’m in a state of real flux now.   Lately, Sir has done some things that suggest D/s may still be part of who we are, which is nice.  And there is no doubt in my mind that He is who i’m “supposed to” be with.  But it’s not going to be the way i had imagined it, and there are parts of me that just aren’t going to get what i want, or what i think i want.

i don’t know how that plays out in the long run.  And it could change, i know that.  But i try to accept things the way they are rather than focusing on what i want to be different, or expecting it to change.  i’m not sure what i’ll do or how i’ll react, or what the future will bring.

And really, that takes me to the next question from SR:

2.  What advice would you give to another woman struggling with it, or wanting to try submission?

Find your deepest self, and try to stay true to that part of you.

Really, I could elaborate on that 300 ways, but it comes down to that basic principle.  Figure out who you are and be that person, to the best of your ability, wherever you are, and whatever the challenge.

So if you’re submissive and your Master wants you to do XYZ, you have to figure out how the person you are does that while being true to who you are.  Does that even make any sense?

Now, having given that advice, i have to go away and figure out how to take the advice myself…

Thank you for the questions, SR.  Sorry it took me so long to respond!!


6 thoughts on “Sir Raven’s Questions (At Last!)

  1. theagingsub

    “…wants you to do XYZ, you have to figure out how the person you are does that while being true to who you are. Does that even make any sense?” This makes perfect sense to me. Sometimes, it’s even that I think I should behave a certain way or do a certain thing, but it’s an incredibly difficult balance, to find how to do these things and still keep the core of who you are intact.

  2. jadescastle

    Your second response was really profound. Thanks for sharing so much. i’m so glad that you had the strength and wisdom to move out of relationships that were not true to the deepest part of you. Much love, j

    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Jade, i’m glad you liked my answers. i’m glad i moved out of those relationships too, or i wouldn’t be where i am right now. Thank you.


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