Control

So many submissives longing for control.  Little Monkey talks about that need, and says:

The bubble that I keep my need bottled up in just floated by for a visit.

And i sigh ~ what a great line!  i know that feeling.

My friend Jz writes:

But I wonder if maybe we don’t mis-identify the function of control — if perhaps we view it as a way to keep things static, locked down, when, really, it’s more of a gimbal — something that allows us to adapt to externally-generated changes without completely losing our balance.

Maybe control isn’t what keeps us fixed but is actually the means to fluidity…

i had to google “gimbal” and found this:

And then this:

CLICK ON IT TO WATCH IT WORK!!

When my Sir is controlling me, even a little bit, it feels as if that part of me that is most me is standing with him in the center, held and contained, while the rest of me moves freely, with ease.  i respond to the world around me effectively.  With grace.

i will have to learn to do that by myself ~ He will not do it for me.

i can do it by myself.  i did for most of my life.  But it feels different when i’m doing it alone.  Not just more difficult, but different.

When i’m with  Him my heart sings.  Tied to Him, literally or figuratively, held in obedience, serving Him ~ that brings a particular sense of joy to the center of my being.

When i am deep in service to Him, my heart opens and i am better able to be in the world.

Those feelings ~ even those words ~ are an odd conflation with the religious, with mystics who serve God and describe that experience in similar terms. Raven Kaldera talks about this in ways that make sense.  i won’t even try to right now, i just lay it out there.

i need to serve Him and obey Him.  He doesn’t need me to serve Him ~ at least not more than i do right now ~ and doesn’t want me to obey Him ~ at least not more than i do right now.

Yes, i can see that i do serve Him in some ways.  Not because He asks me too, or requires it, but just because that’s what i do.

But i’m on my own.  He will not be my gimbal.  He won’t guide or control me.  He won’t make rules, and if he does make one, he won’t enforce it. He doesn’t want me to sit at his feet or take his shoes off.  Those things are what i want ~ and i can nudge him over and over, and he will try to give me what i want, but it’s really not what he wants.

James Baldwin says:

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

That’s where i stand today.  Just looking reality in the face.  i love this man, and this is who he is.  i don’t want to live on the verge of tears, so i guess i’d better figure out how i can be ok.

Dinner

I’m supposed to go to a dinner tonight – it’s a volunteer appreciation thing. i don’t want to go. But i said i would. So i guess i will.

Sigh.

i went to the zoo today, just to walk and relax. i don’t know why i thought that was a good idea. The animals made me sad, all cooped up and hot and bored. The happy children reminded me of mine, and reminded me that i will have 2 grandkids i can’t take to the zoo. (Because it’s really important that they get to see the unhappy animals, right?  🙂  )

Whine, whine, wine… But really. i am just frigging depressed.  i can tell because everything is sad.  And i know that for real, NOT everything is sad.

Right?

It’s ok to be sad.  But maybe i haven’t been doing the things that i know are helpful.

Fuck.

Ok.  Fine.  There’s no reason to think that some kink thing is going to happen that will make me feel better.  It’s up to me.  You know, life is what it is.  Trying to act like it’s something different is just not helpful.

Guess i’d better get busy taking care of myself.  But later, maybe tomorrow, i’m going to do a fantasy about what i wish would happen…

P.S.  i know i need to answer comments too.  If i were a better person, i would have already done that.  Can’t tell you how much i appreciate them.

Can I Beat Myself?

OR:  Can i have some cheese with my whine?

OR:  Can i write this without whining OR beating myself?

We shall see… let the games begin…

I am seriously out of sorts.  Again.  That’s ok.  No beating or whining yet, I just am.  Lots of little reasons, but mostly just that i’m not looking on the bright side at the moment, not countin’ my blessings all the damn time.

My daughter is pregnant, and they’re happy about it, so of course I am too.  But she’s so far away, and she’s got a two year old and she’s working full-time and she’s pregnant.  And there’s not a damn thing i can do to help.  And that’s ok ~ i mean, wtf ~ it is what it is.  And i’m going to visit in 55 days, and i’ll go visit again right before or right after the baby comes, and i’m so damn lucky that i can do that ~~ so lucky ~~

~~ and i still want to cry ~ i want her to be here NOW or at least me be there and ~~

yeah.  Ya don’t always get what ya want.  And it’s ok for me to want it, ok to feel sad, ok to ~ whatever.  i know.  i still want to cry.

i was supposed to go to a going away get together for a friend today.  i haven’t seen her in ages, but she’s been living in a near-by town and now she’s moving far away – not as far as my daughter, but far.  Anyhow, she had a get-together at her parents house today and i was going to go.  Running late, but going to go, and then she messaged me and they were going out to eat and i didn’t want to eat at Where-they-were-going and i didn’t want to go and not eat, and so i ended up not going and feeling like a scum bag and a crappy friend for not going.

Yeah, there might be a touch of beat-myself-up there.  It probably would have been better if i’d gone.   But i’m like this lately, i don’t want to do things, have to make myself leave the house for anything other than work.

Speaking of which – my work has changed some ~ i’m doing the same things i’ve been doing, but some stuff has shifted and i’m doing more stuff that doesn’t pay as well and a bit less of stuff that paid better, so i’m working harder and making a bit less.  It’s ok, it’s all ok, but still.  My days start earlier and end later, even if they’re not always scheduled completely in-between.

And i feel like i’m not staying in touch with some friends that i used to talk to a lot.  That feels sad. i think i should do something different, but it just doesn’t seem to be flowing like it used to.  It’s ok, i think they know i love them, and i know they’re my friends forever, but i miss the easy talks we used to have.

And you know, no kink for months.  Happy domesticity, yes, plenty of that, and i would not give that up for anything.   But you know.  No kink.  No Dominance.  No spanking, no clamps, no nothing.  Lots of love.  Lots of affection and caring and tenderness and shared emotions and activities.

i’ve cycled back around to that place of discontent with my vanilla existence.  Sigh.  Y’all know what comes next, right?  i’ll talk to him, tell him how i feel, he’ll throw some kink my way, i’ll get ALL excited, and then it will ~ peter out.  (LOL, giggling…)  Ok, sorry.  That’s not even funny.   And that’s not the problem, i’m not saying that.   It just doesn’t take much to amuse me these days.  In a warped kind of way.

So i’m going to quit waiting for things to change.  i guess from now on this blog is going to be about what it’s like for a slave-at-heart whose Master is living a vanilla lifestyle, and wants her to share that experience.  i was going to talk about that tonight, but i don’t have the emotional energy right now.

i did get to spend some time chatting with one of the people i’ve been missing, so that makes me smile.  And i’m going to go cuddle up with my Sweet Sir and go to sleep now…

Trust In Action

This is an amazing video.

It is worth watching more than once.

It makes me think of the feeling you have when you know that He has all the control and you are so connected it’s almost more intense than you can bear.  But so perfect.

If you can’t see the embeded video, here’s the link:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWypWe9UAhQ

What do you think about it?  What do you feel when you watch it?

Check This Out

So, a friend of mine posted this on FB, with the warning that it was NSFW.  She was so right!  But it’s lots of fun.  It’s a blog entitled “critiquing your dick pics with love,” and promises “100% anon” and “No size shaming.”

While some of the pictures are – exciting – delightful – even enticing – it is the critique that makes the blog.  Sadly, it says submissions are closed, so if any of my readers had a pic to share, it is too late for that.  You might enjoy looking at the ones already there though.

Here’s the link.

Or if that doesn’t work, try this:  http://critiquemydickpic.tumblr.com  Seriously, not at work though.