Can I Beat Myself?

OR:  Can i have some cheese with my whine?

OR:  Can i write this without whining OR beating myself?

We shall see… let the games begin…

I am seriously out of sorts.  Again.  That’s ok.  No beating or whining yet, I just am.  Lots of little reasons, but mostly just that i’m not looking on the bright side at the moment, not countin’ my blessings all the damn time.

My daughter is pregnant, and they’re happy about it, so of course I am too.  But she’s so far away, and she’s got a two year old and she’s working full-time and she’s pregnant.  And there’s not a damn thing i can do to help.  And that’s ok ~ i mean, wtf ~ it is what it is.  And i’m going to visit in 55 days, and i’ll go visit again right before or right after the baby comes, and i’m so damn lucky that i can do that ~~ so lucky ~~

~~ and i still want to cry ~ i want her to be here NOW or at least me be there and ~~

yeah.  Ya don’t always get what ya want.  And it’s ok for me to want it, ok to feel sad, ok to ~ whatever.  i know.  i still want to cry.

i was supposed to go to a going away get together for a friend today.  i haven’t seen her in ages, but she’s been living in a near-by town and now she’s moving far away – not as far as my daughter, but far.  Anyhow, she had a get-together at her parents house today and i was going to go.  Running late, but going to go, and then she messaged me and they were going out to eat and i didn’t want to eat at Where-they-were-going and i didn’t want to go and not eat, and so i ended up not going and feeling like a scum bag and a crappy friend for not going.

Yeah, there might be a touch of beat-myself-up there.  It probably would have been better if i’d gone.   But i’m like this lately, i don’t want to do things, have to make myself leave the house for anything other than work.

Speaking of which – my work has changed some ~ i’m doing the same things i’ve been doing, but some stuff has shifted and i’m doing more stuff that doesn’t pay as well and a bit less of stuff that paid better, so i’m working harder and making a bit less.  It’s ok, it’s all ok, but still.  My days start earlier and end later, even if they’re not always scheduled completely in-between.

And i feel like i’m not staying in touch with some friends that i used to talk to a lot.  That feels sad. i think i should do something different, but it just doesn’t seem to be flowing like it used to.  It’s ok, i think they know i love them, and i know they’re my friends forever, but i miss the easy talks we used to have.

And you know, no kink for months.  Happy domesticity, yes, plenty of that, and i would not give that up for anything.   But you know.  No kink.  No Dominance.  No spanking, no clamps, no nothing.  Lots of love.  Lots of affection and caring and tenderness and shared emotions and activities.

i’ve cycled back around to that place of discontent with my vanilla existence.  Sigh.  Y’all know what comes next, right?  i’ll talk to him, tell him how i feel, he’ll throw some kink my way, i’ll get ALL excited, and then it will ~ peter out.  (LOL, giggling…)  Ok, sorry.  That’s not even funny.   And that’s not the problem, i’m not saying that.   It just doesn’t take much to amuse me these days.  In a warped kind of way.

So i’m going to quit waiting for things to change.  i guess from now on this blog is going to be about what it’s like for a slave-at-heart whose Master is living a vanilla lifestyle, and wants her to share that experience.  i was going to talk about that tonight, but i don’t have the emotional energy right now.

i did get to spend some time chatting with one of the people i’ve been missing, so that makes me smile.  And i’m going to go cuddle up with my Sweet Sir and go to sleep now…



8 thoughts on “Can I Beat Myself?

  1. little monkey

    I know all about the loss of flow and that low level dissatisfaction that follow you like a little grey cloud, and how much effort it takes to reach, reach, rreeeaach to lay fingers on the positive. I’m sorry you are experience this sofia. It’s draining to live like that.

  2. Soume Stalked (Fury)

    I think sometimes there are things you think you are going to get in a relationship and it’s frustrating as hell when they change. Seemed perfect and you know you can have it from him, but that’s not the way it is now.
    I’m know there’s a bigger conversation to be found in blogworld on how true submission is about submitting to what he really wants, which in this case seems to be vanilla. So should you just be okay with that or push for more or whine about it or what? I don’t have answers. I think it varies by the day.
    Big hug. I do think more time with friends is almost always a good thing. And congratulations for your daughter.

  3. genuinesubgirl

    First, congratulations on your daughter’s news .. my daughter is freshly pregnant too! Second, I’d be very excited to hear your thoughts and experiences about the current way things are with your and your Sir and how you are processing/dealing with it. *hugs*


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