So many submissives longing for control.  Little Monkey talks about that need, and says:

The bubble that I keep my need bottled up in just floated by for a visit.

And i sigh ~ what a great line!  i know that feeling.

My friend Jz writes:

But I wonder if maybe we don’t mis-identify the function of control — if perhaps we view it as a way to keep things static, locked down, when, really, it’s more of a gimbal — something that allows us to adapt to externally-generated changes without completely losing our balance.
Maybe control isn’t what keeps us fixed but is actually the means to fluidity…
i had to google “gimbal” and found this:
And then this:


When my Sir is controlling me, even a little bit, it feels as if that part of me that is most me is standing with him in the center, held and contained, while the rest of me moves freely, with ease.  i respond to the world around me effectively.  With grace.

i will have to learn to do that by myself ~ He will not do it for me.

i can do it by myself.  i did for most of my life.  But it feels different when i’m doing it alone.  Not just more difficult, but different.

When i’m with  Him my heart sings.  Tied to Him, literally or figuratively, held in obedience, serving Him ~ that brings a particular sense of joy to the center of my being.

When i am deep in service to Him, my heart opens and i am better able to be in the world.

Those feelings ~ even those words ~ are an odd conflation with the religious, with mystics who serve God and describe that experience in similar terms. Raven Kaldera talks about this in ways that make sense.  i won’t even try to right now, i just lay it out there.

i need to serve Him and obey Him.  He doesn’t need me to serve Him ~ at least not more than i do right now ~ and doesn’t want me to obey Him ~ at least not more than i do right now.

Yes, i can see that i do serve Him in some ways.  Not because He asks me too, or requires it, but just because that’s what i do.

But i’m on my own.  He will not be my gimbal.  He won’t guide or control me.  He won’t make rules, and if he does make one, he won’t enforce it. He doesn’t want me to sit at his feet or take his shoes off.  Those things are what i want ~ and i can nudge him over and over, and he will try to give me what i want, but it’s really not what he wants.

James Baldwin says:

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

That’s where i stand today.  Just looking reality in the face.  i love this man, and this is who he is.  i don’t want to live on the verge of tears, so i guess i’d better figure out how i can be ok.


3 thoughts on “Control

  1. vanillamom

    I like the *fantasy* of control. And yeah, sure, M holds my orgasms..but not anything else. He doesn’t control my clothing choices, what I do in my vanilla life, at all. So mostly? I do my own thing unless I’m with him. And in reality? I would not WANT to be doing ONLY what he wants me to do. What if he made a rule to not let me read a book, or go to the store, or buy new socks? I wouldn’t like those things yet they might please him…(and would that be enough to make it okay to me? I don’t know, really.)

    It’s sad to me that your need for dominance peaked while his waned…I find myself hoping that somehow you will meet in the middle…

    sending hugs and love…


  2. monkey

    Oh sofia. Again you have managed to verbalize and clarify so well the half thoughts and mixed up feelings that run around in my brain. I say Yes!, and Exactly! to all of this.

  3. Wordwytch

    I know and understand that it is the “thing” for Doms to make subs stand on their own two feet. but there are days. Just days when I wish I didn’t have to be strong. Didn’t have to be in control. Just to ‘be’.

    Hugs dear.


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