Category Archives: rules

Thinking Outloud

Sir was busy all day Saturday {while i was being  lazy} and i was busy all day yesterday, so i still don’t know what menu we’re He’s creating on the paper we’re going to clip to the clipboard.  So who knows when i’ll find out what that’s about.

In the meantime, my desire for more discipline has faded.   Or maybe it’s just moved to the back burner.  In any case, it’s no longer pressing at me.

There’s often a tension between my longing for a life of strict discipline ~ yes, like my training school fantasies, where i’m controlled to the max ~ and a life of flowing through the universe with gentle compassion for myself and others.  i’m not sure they’re mutually exclusive visions, so maybe my life is about trying to find the balance.

Anyhow, in my “i want more discipline” phase, i got a link to a website that fascinated and intrigued me.  Watchfulness:  A Community of Women.

It’s an enticing site.  i felt drawn to it, and on edge, a little nervous.  i spent days exploring the public parts of it, and discussing it with friends and with Sir.  i’m still not sure what i think of it.

It makes me feel “darkly and richly female,” from the Anais Nin quote:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

And it seems to offer a community that would support my desire to be more controlled, to live up to my own standards and expectations for myself.  But ultimately, i decided that wasn’t the path for me.

This post ~ Ducks on a Pond ~ by Sir Raven had a strong impact on me.  Sir Raven is jade’s Master ~ youall know Jade.  Jade and i had been talking about our respective Masters, and had speculated that they are less concerned about making sure we’re working on improving all the time than we are. That they’re more comfortable with just letting things coast.

Sir Raven writes that slaves:

“…need to see movement. since they are always, moving. From the outside one can say that her service to me to which serves the dynamic is visible. That same one can say that from the outside my part of serving the dynamic is not visible. Like the duck on the pond, where people are looking at the duck and saying “oh look how the ducks are floating on the pond?” No one ever says “damn those ducks must be paddling their asses off under the water to move so gracefully.”

I’m not speaking for all masters, but the ones I know are always thinking, of how they want to and which direction they want their dynamic to move.

That made me think.  i really appreciate the reminder that i’m not aware of every thought Sir has about our dynamic and don’t need to be.

Trust.  i need to trust Him.   Not try to work around Him.  Ok.  Got it.

But the other thing that shifted my mind was this comment from another friend.  She says:

So here’s what is fascinating to me.  You have found a Dom/Sir who is, and granted, this is just second-hand observation based on your writing, happy with you as you are.  I am so thrilled for you, and truth told, a tiny bit maybe envious.  This relationship took time, and built, and we got to see a glimpse of the sweetness (and struggle) of the relationship in your blog words.  And I’m not sure I’m capturing this, but one of the most interesting parts (with a dash of humor and a bit of cuteness) is that he loves you just as you are, and the you that you are (that he loves) is still searching for more accountability or standards or whatever you are calling it.  So he loves you for what you are, and what you are is searching to improve and be – different?  I am not sure I’ve captured the essence of what makes me smile about this, and different may be the completely wrong word, but this juxtaposition it is interesting and endearing and tickles my funny bone.  (I hope that is not offensive – it isn’t meant to be.)

Well, it didn’t offend me at all, it made me laugh, and i got it.  Sir was amused too, and saw the delightful irony of it.

Sometimes i think that it would be easier if i had something outside me driving me to be better, to work harder, to push myself more.   i think i want that external control and validation.  i think i want to give up more control of myself, be more contained.   i think i want a bunch of rules to check off a list so i know i’m a good girl.

But i don’t guess that’s really the kind of discipline i need.

For real, i need to keep developing who i am.  i need to keep being the flawed seeker,  looking for what i’m supposed to do next and how i’m supposed to do it, wandering down strange pathways and having adventures along the way.

Today, i am content to do that.   Today anyhow.

Discipline?

i am a lucky woman in many, many ways.   i have a career i love, enough money, and a home i like.  I have activities i enjoy.  i have friends i love who are interesting, fun, stimulating, good to me and good for me.  i have a wonderful daughter and an adorable grand-daughter, and even though they don’t live as close as i’d like, i’m fortunate to live in the age of Facebook and face time and Skype and cell phones with built-in video cameras and all the wonders of technology that let us stay connected.

i am incredibly fortunate that my search for a mate and a Dom, which has taken me up and down some strange pathways, ended with a Dominant of deep integrity, a man i can love with abandon, a soul who is gentle, wise and strong.  He’s more than i imagined was possible ~ someone i fit with ~ and i wouldn’t change anything about HIm, even if i could, which i assure you, i can’t.

And.

i long for more discipline.  Yearn to submit and obey.   More than He has asked of me, more, i think, than he’ll ever demand, more than he wants.  He’s very clear that He has no desire to micro-manage me.  And i don’t NEED to be micro-managed, and probably don’t really want it either.

i am usually in control of my feelings, in fact, i tend to be overly controlled, and am more likely to not express what i’m feeling when i’m unhappy or angry than i am to have a big outburst.   My house is in some kind of order, i follow an exercise regime, more or less, i’m eating healthy, and i usually get the things i need to do, done.  Usually.  Sometimes, when i don’t, the procrastination pays off, and the need to have done it goes away.

But.

i don’t know, i don’t really know what i want, or if i want anything.  i just have this sense that i’m supposed to be more disciplined than i am, and i can’t seem to get there myself.  There are things i think i want to do, need to do, and i’m not doing them because i let other things sidetrack me.

On the other hand, a wise man i know, who i’ve talked to a lot over the years, says that i’m ok the way i am, that he’s watched me wander and wander and then suddenly arrive where i need to be, and he thinks i shouldn’t try to force myself into following a bunch of rules or fit into anyone else’s structure.  He thinks i exemplify the cliché “all who wander are not lost.”

i don’t know.

If i had an opportunity to be part of a group that is supposed to help me build self-discipline, would i do it?

i guess i would be concerned about the impact on my relationship with Sir, since that is primary in my life.  i would be concerned that i’d lose some of the flow that my life has now.

But.

Part of me is drawn to the idea of discipline.

i think i’ll go back to Kinky Kastle tomorrow….

Things that Could Happen

Sofia is on the computer, as she so often is.

Sir is coming down the hall ~ He enters the study.

“Sofia,” He says.”

“Mmmmhmmm,” she says, barely glancing up.  She doesn’t notice the look on His face.

His voice is mild.  “Are you working on something important?” He asks.

“No, Sir,” says says, still typing, “Just making a comment on this post on Facebook.  Nothing important.”

“Stop,” He says.

“Ok, but ~ ” she looks up then.

He’s watching her, intently.  She can’t read the look on His face.  Not angry, no, but stern, maybe?  Solemn?

“Yes, Sir?” she says, one eye still on the computer.

“Who am I?” He asks.

“Who are you?” she’s a bit baffled.  “Why, you’re Sir, of course,” and she smiles.  “My Sir.”

But He doesn’t smile back, and now she’s a little nervous.  “Right?” she says. “My Sir, um, my Master?”

He nods, “Yes,” He says.  “And who are you?”

“Your submissive,” she says, a note of uncertainty in her voice.

“Who do you belong to?”

“You, Sir,” she says earnestly, “You, of course, Sir.”

He nods, His face softening a bit.  “Yes, you do.  You belong to me.  So when I say ‘sofia,’ what do you think i want?”

“My ~ oh,” her face falls as she realizes where this is going, “My attention, Sir.”  It is a whisper.  “You want my attention.”

“If you’re in the middle of something important,” He says, “A work thing, or something you’re writing, I can understand it taking a minute for you to refocus.  But Facebook?”

“I’m sorry,” she says, quckly in a rush, “i’m so sorry, i wasn’t thinking, i really am sorry.”  And she is.  This is the man she loves, her Master, who gives her so much and is patient and loving and really, she really is sorry.

And He knows that.  So He smiles, “I know.” He says.  “it’s ok.  I know. So drop your pants.”

“Oh!” she flushes then, she feels the red in her cheeks and her neck, but He is watching and there is no argument to make.

She stands and reluctantly pulls her pants down.  The air is cool on her ass, and her pussy is bare too.

“Go get the paddle, please,” He says, “and bring it to me.”

“O, but ~ yes, Sir,” she says, clutching her pants with one hand as she heads down the hall.

“Scurry!” He says, and she moves faster, grabs the paddle and hurries back, still holding her pants in the appropriate place.

“Good girl,” He says, taking the paddle.  “Now let go of the pants and bend over.”

There is really only one place to “bend over” in the study ~ a two-drawer wooden file cabinet ~ so she bends at the waist. placing her elbows on the top of the cabinet.   The cabinet only reaches to her thighs, so her torso is lower than her hips.  Her ass seems very exposed.

He puts a hand on the back of her neck and pushes her head down.  This seems to raise her ass further.  With one foot, he nudges her to spread her legs wider.

“Seven,” He says.  “And each time I want you to say ~ no,” he pauses, “You tell me what you’re going to say.  What are you going to do differently from now on?

“Pay attention, Sir,” she says.  Her voice seems muffled with her face down, away from Him.    “i will pay attention.”

“Let’s make sure you’ve got it right,” He says.  “Here’s one for practice.”

The paddle lands with a thud, and she bites her lip.  “I will pay attention, Sir,” she says.

“Very good,” He says, “But what about ‘thank you, Sir?’  Aren’t you always supposed to say that?”

“Yes, Sir,” her voice trembles.

“Let’s try another practice one,” He says, “This one doesn’t count either.”

WHACK!

The paddle lands, and she almost jumps, but doesn’t, and “Thank you, Sir!” she says it quickly, “i will pay attention!”

“Much better,” He says.  “Now we can begin.  This will be One.”

******************

Theoretically, that could happen at my house, but it doesn’t.  Not because i’m always as attentive as i could be, but because Sir doesn’t hold me accountable for things like that.  i’m not sure He notices, really.   If He does, He hasn’t said anything.

But it’s important to me that i’m attentive to Him.   So i do try to be.  i try to look up and attend to Him when He’s talking, try not to be distracted by other things.  i guess i feel like it’s a rule.

But it’s my own rule.  He doesn’t enforce it.  Probably doesn’t even know it’s my rule.

So if it matters to me, i have to enforce it, live up to it, myself.  Sometimes, i wish He’d be responsible for more things like that, but He’s probably not going to, i don’t think He even thinks that way, i don’t think He would say to Himself, “she needs to pay attention to me when i speak!”

But i think it’s important.  i don’t know if that’s submissive, or just a way to show love and respect.

Or maybe i just want more spanking.  It’s hard to say.