Category Archives: pondering

Where’s the Magic?

D/s has been magic in my life.  There have been times i’ve felt like this:



Although the picture isn’t quite right, it needs more openness, but still, there are times i’ve felt like that.  Kneeling at His feet, wanting to feel His hand on my head.  Wanting to kiss and caress Him.

There have been times i’ve felt like this:


or like this:


Deeply in touch with some power that is contained between me and Sir.  The spiritual element of BDSM maybe.

i am not feeling any of that these days.  {i know, you already knew that, why do i keep talking about it?}

Instead, I’m living in black-and-white.


Ok, we don’t actually have 4 kids, thank goodness.  But still.  This is what my life feels like today.

But it also feels like this:


Or like this:


So i try to remember:


And i try to count my blessings.

i woke up all early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  “Early” for me, in this case, was like 3 a.m.  i lay there thinking, trying to go back to sleep for about 45 minutes before i gave up and got up.

i thought about how i can’t expect Him to change.  He loves me and He’s doing the best He can right now, i know that.  i  don’t have any control over that – over Him – anyhow.

So what do i need?  Given that i can’t change Him, what do i need to do to be ok?  What am i really missing and how do i replace it?

i miss the magic, the color, the sparkle.  The feeling that goes with submission…

End of the World Kaleidoscope

So maybe i need to find that for myself.  Maybe i don’t have to get that D/s connection with Him to find it, maybe i can uncover it inside myself.

i’m not sure how i’m going to do that.  But i saw this article this morning about yoga.  It ends with this:

My soul is opening. The truth was always within me, buried beneath control and fear. Lying in Savasana, I finally asked for help. I asked the Universe to help me be open and honest, and to let the love flow the way it is meant to. I surrender.

My greatest hope now is that I can stay in this place, and deeply honor it when I see it in you.

I will see you. Will you see me?

Maybe that is a key.  Or maybe i need to find some Wiccan practices, or meditate more, or something that will put me in deeper touch with myself.  i don’t know what the answer is, but perhaps it is inside me.

And maybe i can find it.



Heartless Bitch Submissives?

Is that an oxymoron?

Jz’s Scholarly Professor asks the question:

can you be a heartless bitch and a sub?

and Jz considers it in her post here.

And i’m pondering it.  My first thought is noooooo, it just wouldn’t work.  i imagine Heartless Bitch Sub (HBS) submitting to a spanking and then thinking, “Oooooh, you’ll pay for that someday!”  Or telling her Dominant, “Fuck you ~ I’m through with you ~ I was just using you to indulge my submissive side by doing everything you wanted to please you, but I’m tired of that shit! No, don’t start crying ~ I don’t care!!”  And that makes me giggle.

Oh, whoops, does that make me HBS?  No, seriously, would she even be submissive then?

But that’s only one way to think about what being the HBS would look like.  What does being a heartless bitch really mean?

Hell, I don’t know.  I guess it’s someone who puts her own needs before everyone else’s?  Who doesn’t care how her actions affect others?  Who doesn’t feel compassion or sympathy for others?

I mean, no one’s like that all the time with everybody, at least I don’t know anyone who is.  Oh, ok, I guess the guy who kidnapped those women and kept them locked up for 10 years.  But I bet there are people who would tell you what a great guy he was.  Well, not anymore, but before he got caught, probably.

So then I get lost in philosophic musings about all kind of things.  Refocus – back to the question.  Submission – HBS – is it possible?

Is caring an essential component of submission?

Hell, I don’t know.  I think you can be a “bottom” and not be a caring person (whatever that means.)  And I guess you could be tremendously approval seeking and be submissive in order to get those needs met without giving a damn about anything except getting your fill of approval for being submissive?

Is that what it would look like?  Just being on a quest for the “good girl,” not being compassionate for anyone outside of the D/s relationship?  What do youall think?  Do you know an HBS?