Monthly Archives: August 2013

Resigned

It’s ok.  I’m fine.  Really.

I don’t need any help.

Don’t care about orgasms.

Can take care of everything on my own, thank you very much.

House, job, car, finances, family?  Got it covered.  I’m very competent you know.

Spanking?  Oh – no, not necessary – that’s ok, don’t worry about it.

A Dominant?  For what?  I have someone I love, and he loves me, and we’re very happy together.  Really.  That’s all I need.

I’m fine.

Really.

Never

i’ll never have time to blog again.  Never have kink in my life again.  i’m going to become an old, asexual granny who doesn’t even remember what it’s like to squirm with pleasure, to squeal in pain, to scream with delight.

Hey, it could happen!

Sir says this is “the calm before the storm,” and explains that once we are alone again, we’ll be back to our old ways.  i’m living for the rare slap on the butt, the occasional night that my ankle is encircled in rope and i’m tethered.

I have a lovely life.  Good friends.  Love.  A fabulous family.

i’m doing fine.

You know what “fine” means in AA (Alcoholics Anoymous) jargon?   It stand for

Fucked-up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

i can never say i’m *fine* without that flashing through my mind.  So i don’t usually say that, i say “i’m good.”  And then i have a dozen mental add-ons that go through my mind behind that.   “Good-enough,” “Good-hearted,” “Good for nothing” – no, not really that last one.

Sigh.

i haven’t blogged in so long i don’t know what to say.

i really am fine.  Um, good.  Well, good enough anyhow.  i miss that part of me that seems to be gone.  i hope she comes back…

“A Pain in the Neck”

No, seriously, i have a pain in my neck – it started on Wednesday, and i’ve spent two days in fairly frantic “make it stop, make it stop,” mode.

It is better.  Ice and heat, ibuprofen, aleve, and even a massage therapist have made it “better.”   It’s still stiff and sore and i don’t like it.

Working on the computer seems to make it worse, so i’m minimizing my time here.

Then i ran across this quote this morning:

“Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.”
― Tara BrachRadical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

That made me think.  Does the frantic-ness of my desire to make the pain go away actually intensify it?

Of course it does.

And it’s not an unbearable pain.  It’s not a toothache, or childbirth.  It’s not a broken leg or arm that requires medical attention.  It’s just some kind of swelling, probably, a pinched nerve, some such thing.  Yes, if it persists i can go to a doctor or a chiropractor, but my experience with neck and shoulder pain is that it is more often about a need for me to relax and let go of something.

In Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life,  Jon Kabat Zinn says:

“To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.”

He says:

“Just watch this moment, without trying to change it at all. What is happening? What do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear?”

And:

“Mindfulness practice means that we commit fully in each moment to be present; inviting ourselves to interface with this moment in full awareness, with the intention to embody as best we can an orientation of calmness, mindfulness, and equanimity right here and right now.” 

So that’s my goal today.  Letting go of the idea that my neck ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT!!  Letting go of my frustration that i’m going away for a romantic kinky weekend and a sore neck is TERRIBLE, AWFUL, HORRIBLE and JUST WRONG!!

It will be fine.  i’ll keep doing the things that help, but i’ll let go of the idea that this SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING TO ME!!

It is what it is…

and maybe i’ll feel more of this:

Limbo

i’m in this limbo-ish place.  Not feeling submissive, maybe a bit numb.  Not unhappy by any means, my life is lovely.  But ~~

~~ in some part of my self, i know there’s this whole other way of relating to my Sir that is not commonplace and mundane.  A space of time and perspective where things shift for me and there is an intensity of feeling that is different from where i am right now.

i want to be there.

Two more days.

Weekend on the Horizon

i ran across this quote today:

“A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”
― Eckhart Tolle

i don’t know that i have done a great job loving my Sir that way lately, but that is so much the way i want to love Him.

This weekend we’re going away ~ actually we’re going to Nashville, Tennessee.  So if any of youall are in Nashville and know of anything fun going on, please let me know!

i hope to spend some time sitting at His feet ~ yes, even though i haven’t been practicing.  Maybe i’ll practice this week ~ quit laughing, it could happen!  It has been hard keeping all of our signs of D/s under wraps.  i’m really looking forward to a weekend of open submission.

National Orgasm Day

We missed it. It was Wednesday, July 31.  No, i’m not kidding.

National Orgasm Day.

Although, actually, by a lucky fluke, i had an orgasm or two on Wednesday night.  Daughter and grandchild were out of the house for the night, so some orgasms were had.

We started with some BDSM video clips ~ an easy warm-up after a long day at work when we’re both actually pretty low-energy.  Sir started doing this thing ~ now understand, we just watch the 10 minutes of the video that is free, the intro that’s supposed to make you want to pay for the whole video.  So He picks six or seven clips, and we start watching.

About 2 or 3 minutes into one, he says, “Let’s try another one,” and switches.  If i don’t say anything, we watch the next one.  But if i say, “No, wait a minute, can’t we finish this one, please, Sir?” then He knows He’s hit on one that appeals to me.  Clever man.

Anyhow.

After that, there were nipple clamps, and kneeling, and other events which led to orgasms all around, so we did actually celebrate National Orgasm Day.  But since we didn’t realize that’s what we were doing, i think we need to do a belated, official celebration soon.

Did you celebrate?

Eleven O’Clock

By the time Sir finishes my ten o’clock spanking, i feel like my ass is on fire.  Stinging and burning.  He’d used the short leather strap ~ it’s about 12 inches by 4 with a short handle.   He kept hitting me on the lower part of my ass, and upper thighs, two on one side, then two on the other.

At the sixth blow, i’m begging him to stop, and he does, just long enough to ask me if i want to be gagged.  Which i don’t.  After that, i limit myself to whimpers and moans, an occasional squeal, which i know he doesn’t mind a bit.

i slip into that space then, you know, where it doesn’t hurt in the same way, it’s intense and focused and feels right.  Painful, but like i can take it for days.  Instead of wriggling to get away, i feel my ass rising to meet the strap.

He finally gets to ten, and lets me slide off his lap.  “There,” he says, “Nicely tenderized now.  Let me see if you’re moisturized too.”  He laughs, and slides a hand between my legs.  My cunt is soaked, and i could cum with almost no encouragement, but he pulls his hand away.

“Very nice,” he says, pinching my nipples hard.   “Would you like to suck my cock?’

“Yes, Sir,” and i realize it’s true, i really do want to.  Very much.  Vaguely, i realize there are still people around us, but i’m totally focused on him.

The focus increases as he pulls his cock out, stroking it, letting me near it without touching.  i can see a drop of cum on the tip, smell his musky maleness and i want to touch, to lick.  He wraps his fist in my hair, allows me close enough to let the tip of my tongue caress him.

“Slowly,” he says.  “Show me how well you can do this, take your time.”

Eager to please, i work slowly and carefully, licking the length of his cock, using the tip of my tongue first and then the whole tongue, sucking the head of his cock, and then taking him deep into my throat.  He lets me set the pace for a while, then begins to direct ~

~ harder and faster, filling my mouth ~~

~~  hitting the back of my throat, making me gag ~

~ over and over, fucking my mouth in his rhythm now, his time ~

until he cums, filling my mouth and i struggle to swallow, tears running down my face.

When he is finished, i rest my head on his thigh, he strokes my head.  “Good girl,” he says.

He lets me rest there for a bit.  He is talking to people around us, but i am lost in my own world of contentment.  My ass is tender and tingling, and i feel tired and well-used.

After a while, i don’t know how long, he grasps my hair, raising my head to look at him.  “Hey,” he says, “You need to grab some breakfast.  Go to the bathroom if you need to, there’s some food out in the kitchen for you, time’s flying by.  Here ~ i’ll help you up.”

He helps me to my feet, i am a bit shaky, almost disoriented.  Diana is there, i had not noticed her coming in, and Sir hands me off to her.  She takes my arm gently, steers me toward the bathroom.

She lets me clean up, even washing the rouge off with the bidet, which almost makes me cum. Then we head for the kitchen, where they feed me an egg and some cantaloupe and strawberries.

i’m starting to feel back to normal again, if you can call it *normal* to be walking around naked with a red ass and an aching, throbbing hot pussy.

Diana leads me to the study, where a number of people are relaxing, reading, working on computers, or serving and being served.   Sir is there, he smiles at me and my nipples get hard, my pussy throbs even more.

i gesture that i’d like to sit at his feet, but he shakes his head.  Dismayed, my eyes fill with tears, why does he not want me there?  Gently, he says, “There’s not time for that, little one.  Almost 11.”

As he says it, the clock begins to chime.   “Come,” says Diana.  She takes my hand and leads me to the front of the room.  A spanking bench, prominently displayed, and she helps me kneel up on it, bend over.

My Master joins us, he stands beside me, a hand in my hair.   i cannot see what Diana is holding, but it whistles through the air and lands hard on my right cheek.  It’s something wide,  maybe a belt?  A bit wider than the strap Sir had used.

i cry out, and Sir slides a finger into my mouth.  “Suck,” he says, and i do, as the next blow lands on the other cheek.