Monthly Archives: March 2016


I started this blog three years ago.

Sir and i were deeply in love, and i thought we were beginning our story of growing into  our D/s roles more deeply.  With some reluctance, i left a blog that had chronicled my journey up til then.

i left a community that i loved.  i didn’t leave the community because of Sir, but i felt ok about leaving the community because i thought Sir and i were going to have our own world of kink.

Three years later, i’m accepting the reality that we are not going to have that relationship.  Something happened yesterday that really brought that fact home to me. My efforts to reach out across the barriers between us have not been successful.  He doesn’t want to lose me, and he cares for me, but right now he’s not able to put his energy into building our relationship.  And for the last couple of years, he hasn’t been willing to do it.

i love this man with a deep, abiding affection.  But if i try to get my need to be dominated, or my need to be soundly spanked, with him, it is not going to happen.

Today, i accept that.

It’s ok.  It’s not his fault, it’s not my fault.  Things just are the way they are.

So i’m walking away from this blog. This was the blog of our D/s journey, and it’s done.  i’m not leaving him, not leaving my relationship with him.  But he’s not my Sir anymore.

Yes, i’ve told him this.

There will be a new blog.  i will be trying to figure out what the hell i do now.  It may involve some on-line relationships.  i just don’t know.

i feel as if a great weight has been lifted off me.

Once i have the new blog, i’ll come back and post the link, although i don’t know if i’ll leave it up indefinitely.  We’ll see. But that way, anyone who “follows” this blog will have it.

i’ve practically quit reading blogs, it’s made me feel sad, so i avoided a lot.   i imagine i’ll be reading more from here on out.  i look forward to that.

And i love you guys.  ❤


Back for Some Whine

i don’t know how long it’s been since i’ve been spanked.  Years now, because at my age time slips aways like a melting ice cube in the sun.  And one day it’s all promises and then the next, years have gone by and the promises sit like an unfilled ice tray, neglected and nearly-forgotten.

I came back from an intense retreat this week, not energized, but a bit lost in cloudy thinking and feelings of guilt.  That weight occasionally lifts and I feel like Wonder Woman, which is likely to lead to impulsive acts that may not really be as brilliant as they seem in the moment.  And that leaves me mired in discomfort and uncertainly, tinged with regret .

I read this lovely blogpost by Kia on Acknowledging Imperfection called Discipline by Strangers.  It starts like this:

Sarah took a shuddering breath in response to the gentle prompt, shifting herself slightly as she tried to process the sensation. Her bottom throbbed with a much deeper burn than she had anticipated, and they had only just started. It was agonising, unexpected, but also perfect.


A different voice. Firmer. One that must be obeyed.

“One.” Sarah replied.

“One what?”

“One, Sir,”

“Thank me for them.”

“One. Thank you, Sir.”

“Good girl.”

The post continues, and is just lovelier than you can imagine.  It only took me that much to be deeply turned on, and to remember that once-upon-a-time when I didn’t go a day without that feeling.

i need to be spanked, that would lift this cloudiness and rebalance me, i know that it would.  i told Sir that last night, i told him that i missed that feeling so much.  And he just pulled me closer to him in bed and patted my shoulder and went to sleep.

He is my best friend and my support and I love him.  And he’s lost in his own health issues, and his work.  i know he loves me, and i think i will have to go outside the relationship to get the things that i need.

In Kia’s blogpost the girl is being spanked by people she’s just met.  i try to imagine that for myself.  Right now, i think it might be helpful since i’m feeling this “needing to be sorted out.”  There are reasons i can’t just go to a community play party and seek that out.  i’m not sure if i need sex too, or just discipline.

The problem of course is that, like my dear friend Monkey, i don’t think i can participate in getting spanked without submitting to the person doing it – and then attaching to them.  So that’s a problem.  (Maybe not the exact-same-problem as Monkey, but in the same ballpark.)

And i want someone who knows how to spank.  Not someone who just wails away (whales away?) on me, thinking that’s what i want.  i want someone with skill in spanking who can raise and lower the intensity to prolong the experience, who can create a range of sensation, who can push my limits and bring me back from the brink of omgtoomuch..

Yeah, i’m not asking for much, am i?  Particularly given that I’m a 60 year old, overweight, workaholic.

Plus, i need to tell Sir that i’m thinking about this.   i don’t know what he’ll say, but i need to tell him that i have needs that he’s not meeting that i don’t think he’s going to meet and that i need to do something about it.  i figure it’ll take me another 6 months to work up to that.

In the meantime, maybe i need to do what the nuns used to do and try some flagellation.  Right?