Monthly Archives: July 2015

Road Trip

On the road again…

i’m heading out for work stuff in another state – good times ahead.

If i were actively engaged in a kink lifestyle, i’d be looking for dungeons and kinky friends while i’m there.  But no.  i’m not.

i do love the thrill of heading out to new places, nice hotels, different food…  good times ahead.

And if i were writing a fantasy about it, i might start:

i didn’t intend to get involved in anything.  This was simply a work venture.  i was doing some workshops and it was just by accident that the city i was headed had one of the most famous dungeons of all time.

And i was not even sure that i was going to visit it.  After all, i wasn’t looking for a Dom or anything.  i was doing just fine by myself, thank you very much.

And yet ~ somehow ~ here i am.  Standing at the front door, ready to venture in.  Wearing thigh hi stocking and stiletto heels.

O, my.

Let the adventures begin…

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That Whole Empath Thing

With thanks to Jade, who shared – this article.  We ~ she and i ~ have had this conversation before about being an empath ~ she is, and she often says i am and other people have said that too.  When i read the articles about it, i always start out going, “yes, yes,” and then about halfway through, i’m like, “Um, no.”

I’d just think, “That’s too “over-the-top,” no.  That’s not me.

Then Jade shares this article with me, and it says:

For several years, one of the most important tasks I had was to help young therapists in training to use their empathic skills differently. To build empathic muscle and emotional resilience. To transform a liability into a strength.

I thought it might be helpful to share some of the key secrets here.

So, first, here is the bad news. It’s where we have to start. It’s going to be a shock to some, but we need to begin at the beginning: empaths are not empathising at all; they are actually identifying.

I repeat, empaths are not empathising, they are identifying.

To explain what I mean, imagine you have someone drowning out in the middle of a lake. If you’re identifying, you’re so overcome by what it would be like if you were the person drowning that before you know it you’ve jumped in too, even though you can’t swim, and now there are two people drowning instead of one.

If you’re a tuned in, canny empath with muscle, you’re observing what’s going on with enormous understanding and compassion, you feel the other’s fear and panic, you hold it inside you long enough to transmute it through the sheer power of loving intention and you breathe out calm and your belief and strength and knowledge that this person can swim.

You don’t jump in; you stay on the shore, talking them through, hearing, noticing, showing you get it, making sure they know they’re not alone. And that these feelings threatening to drown them can be survived.

There’s nothing new or magical about this. It’s what tuned-in mothers and fathers do for their babies all the time. Watch carefully and you’ll see it happening. You’ll see a baby fraught with fear or rage or frustration become miraculously soothed because a parent is showing that these feeling can be survived and managed. The parent takes those feelings into their own body, holds them a while, and then gives them back to the baby in a processed and manageable form.

And this is the crucial bit for us to understand if we’re going to become true empaths rather than identifiers—if we’re going to become empaths with muscle who can make a difference.

And i thought, “O!!”  That’s what i do!!  That’s what i do at work and with people i love and friends and sometimes with people i just run into at the grocery or something.  Yes.

Not all the time, you know, sometimes i struggle with it, but that’s what i mostly do.

Then the article says:

Supposing we were to do the following: we begin to process and transmute the energy we receive, rather than merely absorb it.

I would suggest that what the world needs, and I am talking spiritually here now, as well as emotionally and psychically, is not more “empaths,” but more “transmuters.”

I’m talking lightworker talk here.

We know, many of us, that everything is light, and that we are beings of light. We know that the only difference between one expression or manifestation of light and another is the frequency at which it vibrates.

Feelings are light energy vibrating. When we absorb, temporarily hold and process, and then re-release energy which has been soothed by our attention and empathic understanding, we change that energy’s vibration. And once you’ve discovered to bring calm attention to another’s out of control vibration, you can become amazingly effective at transmuting energy in that way.

It’s what tuned-in parents do, and what skillful therapists do.

It’s what empaths with muscle do when they have become lightworkers.

And that is what i do.  When i can take care of myself ~ when i do take care of myself ~ it’s ok, it doesn’t drain me, i can manage it.  But i really need to take care of myself.

Then ~ while i’m still absorbing all this ~ Jade says something like, “Well, that explains the movies, doesn’t it?”   And i think, “It does?  How does it  ~~ oh!”

Cause i think ~ and i don’t know if this is what Jade meant or not ~ but here’s what i think.  When i watch a movie, all those feelings are coming at me, but i can’t do anything with them.  My ability to hold them and process them gets overwhelmed pretty quickly and then i’m just drowning.

i used to say it.  i used to say, “when i’m doing therapy with somebody and they’re telling me about their sexual abuse, i can listen and sort of “go there” with them, and help them hold that, and then come back, and it doesn’t bother me in the same way because it helps them.  i’m doing it for a reason.  But if i have to try to do that with a movie, it doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t help anybody, and it’s just too much.”

Yep. i used to say that.

So this doesn’t change anything, except i can quit trying to make sense of all this empath stuff.  Now i know how it works and where i fit.  And it’s not kinky, so i don’t know why i’m putting it here… but still.  Here i am.

Thanks, Jade.

50 Shades ~ The Movie

i bet you didn’t know this blog is now about media ~ books and movies and who knows, maybe podcasts in the future!

No, it’s not really, at least i don’t think it is.  But Sir did bring home the movie 50 Shades of Gray last night, and we watched it together.  i know every one else has already seen it and is no longer the least bit interested, and that’s ok.

i was a bit disappointed that it didn’t seem more erotic to me.  There was a moment or two where i thought, o, that’s hot, and might have been a bit turned on, but mostly i didn’t feel any great chemistry between Ana and Christian.  But that might have just been me.

Throughout the movie, i just kept thinking, “But she’s not submissive!  This can’t work!!”  Really, i think she was just attracted to the luxury of his lifestyle ~ even though she acts like she’s not, i totaly think she is.  i mean, she didn’t give back the books. Or the car.  And really, how could she not be?

Or maybe she is submissive, and it’s just buried beneath all the layers of socially acceptable?  i try to imagine myself that age again, fresh out of college…  even then i knew that i wanted to give myself completely to my lover, that i wanted to belong to him.  And if anyone had given me the kind of sensual experiences that he gave her, back then?  Whew.  i think i would have submitted in a heartbeat.

i totally knew that i liked to get spanked, even that long ago, and i had just not met anyone that wanted to do it in any way other than just pounding away with their hand – nothing remotely sensual.  And i was too naive to know there were other ways to do it.

Anyhow.  By the end ~ of the movie ~ i think that maybe Christian Grey is not even actually dominant.  That if he were, he would have told her “no,” that he wouldn’t have let her goad him into “punishing” her.  But of course, it’s not fair to say he isn’t dominant because of that.  Like the rest of us, he falls into his own emotions and does foolish things.

Sir was dismayed that the movie portrayed Christian as having something wrong with him because he’s dominant ~ and of course i didn’t like that either.  My take-away on the movie, really, is that it’s a Harlequin romance gone astray.  {Which is not even a novel thought.}

But it was nice watching the movie together.  Actually, maybe we could listen to some podcasts together.  Hmmm.  That might be interesting…

Ok, i have work to do, can’t be lollygagging* around here all day.  ❤

*For the word geeks among us ~ autocorrect wanted to change lollygagging to lallygagging, but google totally recognizes lollygagging, both as a legitimate word that means “spend time aimlessly” or “dawdle” and in the urban dictionary, where it means “Procrastination in its fullest.” or  “purposely finding other things to do other than what you should be doing”   Whereas there is no such word as lallygagging.  Stupid autocorrect.

Other People’s Blogs

I was reading some other people’s blogs yesterday – i haven’t even been doing that lately, or barely doing it, so it was nice to get back into finding out what’s going on with old friends, and meeting new folks.  Thinking about bloggers i’ve lost track of, like Sin – Sin, are you out there?  And ~ o, i can’t remember her name, damn it.  She was a slave and a writer… damn.

Anyhow.  i looked at some stories – the Agnes and Fredrick series that are so lovely.  I tried to find some that Vesta had written about a training school type scenario – the last part that i remember has the heroine writing lines as a punishment – or a teaching device – something about being her Master’s property.  And there’s a part where she’s required to lift her skirt to sit at the table that has always stuck with me.  Some other parts too, only i couldn’t find them, and i don’t really know if i’m remembering them right.

What i do remember ~ and this is true for the Agnes and Fredrick series too ~ is that they move so slowly ~ so mindfully ~ and that gives them so much power for me.  That is the kind of D/s i crave.  i want to absorb each moment of what’s happening.

When i was reading back through some of Vesta’s posts, i found one from 2013 where she’s going to confront her husband and let him know that she really needs him to do something to be able to re-engage in kink with her.  (i think i’m probably not describing the post well, and Vesta is so deliberate in her wording that i need to link to the post here.)  But i thought, i could have written this ~ well, not written it, but i thought, this is where i’m standing.

Truly, there is nothing new under the sun.

And i thought about things yesterday.   i remembered a long time ago, a Dom i used to talk to who said if i were his slave, he would keep me naked all the time ~ in the house, that is ~ so that he would remember i was a slave.  At the time, i was equally appalled and attracted.

Anyhow.

i think about writing fantasy ~ actually i’ve been thinking about finishing some old stories i started a long time ago and making them Amazon e-books.  It’s the kind of thing i think about doing and don’t follow up on.   They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but i mostly have good ideas that just bounce around in my brain and don’t lead anywhere.

And my WordPress app is not cooperating with me today.  i’m using my ipad, and this bar pops up across the bottom of the screen that blocks two or three lines ~ the ones i’m working on usually.  Stupid app.

i had this idea that some external discipline would help me follow up on doing things that i need to do.  Not that my Sir would have to check on my progress ~ although maybe that too ~ but that being spanked, having rules and rituals, would put me in a different headspace.  That the vanilla part of me would be better able to stay on track, would function a bit better.

But maybe not, and maybe how i function is really the best it can be.  i dunno.  It’s a super rainy, stormy Sunday here.  A good day for brooding and ruminating.  Except ~ o, wait ~ i have a long list of things i didn’t already get done that need attention today.

And it’s not like i don’t function fine, i do.  Maybe i’m just greedy, always wanting more.  But we submissive girls are like that, aren’t we?

A Movie?

So, i don’t go to movies.  Well, i have before, but it’s not something i often do.  Mostly, if i’m going to a movie, it’s because i’m dating somebody new and want them to think i’m the kind of person who goes to movies.  It usually backfires.  The movie will turn out to be violent or intense and i’ll half-drown in a sea of empathy, leaving my companion in no doubt that i’m kind of a freak and that they shouldn’t go to movies with me.

Anyhow.

Yesterday, i saw this review for Magic Mike XXL, and i think i might actually want to see that movie.  Oh, ok, i want to see Inside Out too.  That’s TWO – count them, TWO – movies i think i want to see.  No – THREE – make it 3.  i want to see 50 Shades of Gray.  i know, i know, it’s not real BDSM, it’s not consensual, blah, blah, blah…  i still want to see it.  Oh, and The Secretary.  i saw a few minutes of that, but not the whole thing.

But back to Magic Mike.  You can read the whole review here, but this is part of why i was drawn to the movie;

I love Magic Mike XXL because I see myself in the faces of its women characters: those who find themselves perched in a chair, on a lounger, or in one case, on a countertop holding a massive red velvet cake, as they are charmed, wooed, and worshipped by men who derive pleasure from giving pleasure. 

Anyhow.  I just want to see the movie.  Have you all seen it?

Not Giving Up

So I dance away from the erotic seduction of submission.  Tell myself i will find that joy, that satisfaction through some other means.

Sir is my love, my Master, and for myriad reasons of His own, He is not going to be my Dom.   i love Him.  {I know ~ i know ~ i’ve told you all this before… no news here.}  i won’t leave Him.  i have to learn to live this life.

Sometimes, when we talk about it, i think that He’s going to start again.  i think that He wants it enough to make it work somehow, despite the myriad reasons.  And my heart swells with excitement, i can’t help it.  i begin to wait, watching for the sign that it will happen soon.

And time passes.  And passes.  And i sink into the heartbreak again, knowing it’s not going to happen now either.  Not now.  Not now.  Not now.

i am sad.  And fat.  And lazy.  Tears in my eyes, driving down the road, tearing up for no good reason.  i eat for comfort, eating past pleasure into numb.  i don’t drink anymore, i think it was too tempting to slide into that black hole.   i don’t shave my pussy ~ and barely epilady my legs.  Who would care?  i don’t exercise.  It takes a lot of energy just to do the dishes and make the bed.  Even masturbating seems like a lot of effort for not much pay-off.

AND

i’m perfectly happy.  Work is good, super good really.  Financially, i’m solid {shhhh, don’t let any of the appliances hear me say that!}   My daughter and grandkids will be here for a visit soon and i’m super excited about that.  ‘Nilla came to visit – YES, that ‘Nilla, and we had a wonderful time!!  Sir is good ~ he’s supportive and loving and fun to be with.

Yes, i’m good, thank you very much.

Very good ~ and miserable too ~ not quite at the same time, but from moment to moment, shifting with the wind.

Fiona suggested a book for me ~ i think it was fiona, she can correct me if i’m wrong.   Brie Learns the Art of Submission.    It is soooo fabulous.  It reminded me ~~

Submission isn’t something i do.  Not something i just choose to do or not do.  It’s who i am.

In the book, there’s this one part where Brie is explaining how she feels about wanting to please the Master she’s working with in a training session.    And the person she’s explaining it to says, casually, “Of course you feel that way, you’re submissive,” and goes on to tell her what’s expected of her beyond that.

i almost cried when i read that.  i had just about forgotten that feeling, the let-me-please-you feeling.

Then there was rope ~ in the book ~ and Brie experiences submission through being constrained, and being suspended, and  i thought, even if someone wanted to do rope with me, which no one does, it wouldn’t look the way i would want it too and i’m getting too old and stiff.

i can’t let myself lose this.  i can’t, i won’t.

Ok.

So yeah, i don’t know exactly what i’m going to do yet.   Well, i know some things.  i’m going to exercise.  i’m going to lose weight.  i’m going to shave again.  i’m going to blog again.  i’m going to masturbate enough to keep from drying up and blowing away like ashes.  {i can talk about that on a sex blog, right?  Masturbating?  Ok, whew, i thought so.}  i’m going to start going to therapy again.  And i’m going to keep talking to Sir.

It starts today.  Right now.  Submissive sofia will serve again…