Sir was busy all day Saturday {while i was being lazy} and i was busy all day yesterday, so i still don’t know what menu we’re He’s creating on the paper we’re going to clip to the clipboard. So who knows when i’ll find out what that’s about.
In the meantime, my desire for more discipline has faded. Or maybe it’s just moved to the back burner. In any case, it’s no longer pressing at me.
There’s often a tension between my longing for a life of strict discipline ~ yes, like my training school fantasies, where i’m controlled to the max ~ and a life of flowing through the universe with gentle compassion for myself and others. i’m not sure they’re mutually exclusive visions, so maybe my life is about trying to find the balance.
Anyhow, in my “i want more discipline” phase, i got a link to a website that fascinated and intrigued me. Watchfulness: A Community of Women.
It’s an enticing site. i felt drawn to it, and on edge, a little nervous. i spent days exploring the public parts of it, and discussing it with friends and with Sir. i’m still not sure what i think of it.
It makes me feel “darkly and richly female,” from the Anais Nin quote:
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
And it seems to offer a community that would support my desire to be more controlled, to live up to my own standards and expectations for myself. But ultimately, i decided that wasn’t the path for me.
This post ~ Ducks on a Pond ~ by Sir Raven had a strong impact on me. Sir Raven is jade’s Master ~ youall know Jade. Jade and i had been talking about our respective Masters, and had speculated that they are less concerned about making sure we’re working on improving all the time than we are. That they’re more comfortable with just letting things coast.
Sir Raven writes that slaves:
“…need to see movement. since they are always, moving. From the outside one can say that her service to me to which serves the dynamic is visible. That same one can say that from the outside my part of serving the dynamic is not visible. Like the duck on the pond, where people are looking at the duck and saying “oh look how the ducks are floating on the pond?” No one ever says “damn those ducks must be paddling their asses off under the water to move so gracefully.”
I’m not speaking for all masters, but the ones I know are always thinking, of how they want to and which direction they want their dynamic to move.
That made me think. i really appreciate the reminder that i’m not aware of every thought Sir has about our dynamic and don’t need to be.
Trust. i need to trust Him. Not try to work around Him. Ok. Got it.
But the other thing that shifted my mind was this comment from another friend. She says:
So here’s what is fascinating to me. You have found a Dom/Sir who is, and granted, this is just second-hand observation based on your writing, happy with you as you are. I am so thrilled for you, and truth told, a tiny bit maybe envious. This relationship took time, and built, and we got to see a glimpse of the sweetness (and struggle) of the relationship in your blog words. And I’m not sure I’m capturing this, but one of the most interesting parts (with a dash of humor and a bit of cuteness) is that he loves you just as you are, and the you that you are (that he loves) is still searching for more accountability or standards or whatever you are calling it. So he loves you for what you are, and what you are is searching to improve and be – different? I am not sure I’ve captured the essence of what makes me smile about this, and different may be the completely wrong word, but this juxtaposition it is interesting and endearing and tickles my funny bone. (I hope that is not offensive – it isn’t meant to be.)
Well, it didn’t offend me at all, it made me laugh, and i got it. Sir was amused too, and saw the delightful irony of it.
Sometimes i think that it would be easier if i had something outside me driving me to be better, to work harder, to push myself more. i think i want that external control and validation. i think i want to give up more control of myself, be more contained. i think i want a bunch of rules to check off a list so i know i’m a good girl.
But i don’t guess that’s really the kind of discipline i need.
For real, i need to keep developing who i am. i need to keep being the flawed seeker, looking for what i’m supposed to do next and how i’m supposed to do it, wandering down strange pathways and having adventures along the way.
Today, i am content to do that. Today anyhow.
Loving Submission 