Monthly Archives: January 2015

Thinking it Through

Sir and i are still having conversations and dipping our toes in the D/s dynamic again, so all is well there.  But after reading Lee Harrington’s interesting post about Alpha Subs and Type A Service, i began to wonder — is Sir not more actively dominant all the time because he is happy with what i bring to our relationship already?

Then i read faerie’s* heartbreaking post about the recent conflict between her and Musicman.  In the process of the argument, Musicman says that he would rather she leave (after 30 years together) and let him live his life with his kids and grandkids.  When i see that, of course my heart aches for faerie.  But i also thought it was nonsense.

With kids and grandkids living in the house, i am 100 percent sure that some of the reason Musicman can enjoy them is because faerie is putting a whole bunch of effort into making things work.  Even if the effort she’s expending is directed to making the kids be more responsible, or trying to not end up doing all the actual work herself, i know that her efforts are part of whatever makes the situation successful.  And if Musicman doesn’t realize that, it is because of his own blindness.  Actually, i think he’s probably just overwhelmed with everything going on and doesn’t have the energy he needs for the relationship, but that’s none of my business anyhow.

it did make me realize that Sir is really appreciative of the things that i bring to our relationship.  i don’t want to sound – i dunno, like i’m bragging?  But really, His life has changed in a bunch of ways due to us being together, and He likes it.  And He lets me know He likes it.

Most of the difference is not because i’m doing anything specifically submissive.  Or not what i think of as submissive, not what i see as part of my submission.  It’s just not.  So, for example, His family is always welcome in our home.  They just are.  So is my family, for that matter, and His friends and my friends too.  i am an open house kind of person – even though i’m an introvert and sometimes also need them to all leave.

I may have been bitching recently to friends about doing all the work at some events, and i can get resentful if i’m not careful.  But i believe it’s up to me to do something about it (like ask for help when i want it) rather than just bitching.  Anyhow.  That’s a different topic.

My point is that Sir is happy with me.  He likes most of the things i do and the way i do them and He’ll support me in just about any way i need Him to.  Seriously.

i can remember recognizing and bemoaning the fact that my first husband did not appreciate the gifts i had to offer.  Not “appreciate” in the sense of “be grateful for,”  but appreciate like we enjoy a good meal or a fine wine.  If you like White Zinfandel, and you’re being served a French Merlot Reserve, even if it’s aged to perfection, you may be less than thrilled.  Doesn’t mean it’s not good wine, you don’t appreciate the goodness of it because it’s not to your taste.

So i’m an understanding, compassionate wife, mother, and step-mother.   i can calm the waters of just about any storm.  i’m passionate about social justice.  i love to read and learn things.  And i’m a casual to indifferent cook and housekeeper.  Guess what my first ex wanted?  Yep.  Fortunately, after we divorced, he found someone else who was good at the things he valued, and is living the dream in his own way.

Second husband, the story is much shorter – and involves lots of alcohol on his part – but by the end of our three years together, he didn’t want anything i had to offer.  Wouldn’t eat food i’d fixed.  Wouldn’t touch me.  Pretty much wasn’t speaking to me.  Didn’t take any of the books or other gifts i’d given him when he left.  i didn’t care much by then anyhow, but it was some ultimate way of saying, .”i don’t want any part of you.”

So here i am — in a relationship with someone who appreciates and enjoys me exactly the way i am.   And isn’t hesitant about telling me how pleased and appreciative He is.

And i’m all frustrated because He’s not controlling me more or telling me to “do things.”

Sigh.

Ok, that doesn’t mean i’m wrong about wanting more D/s in our relationship.  i do need that because it supports and feeds who i am.   But i think i need to be careful to appreciate what i have.  What He brings to my life.

And i need to be more willing to risk asking for what i want.  i need to work on being more of who i am.  That supports Him being more of who He is, and i need to trust that this will be good for both of us.

Yeah.  And i need to be sure that i appreciate Him for not wanting me to be someone i’m not, for not controlling me in ways that would stifle me or make my life more difficult than it needs to be.   i think that now that we’re talking about our relationship, this will be easier to do.

*http://faerielernstofly.blogspot.com/ – sorry, couldn’t figure out how to do the link on my ipad…

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Lee Harrington’s Post on Alpha Subs and Type A Service

If you don’t already know who Lee Harrington is, go here for sure.

But I was really taken with this post.  Lots for me to think about here.

I am drawn to Type A personalities. Folks who know what they want, have passion, go for it with gusto. I adore basking in their presence and seeing them take their fire and make it into their dreams.

The magic sitting opposite them feels palpable, their will crafting reality into their vision. Or, if not their vision, seeing the world lit up through their lens. Show me your rage and indignation about the wrongs on this planet, and through you I will learn how to make this a better place for us all to live.

I’m not especially interested in someone who is inherently submissive. I have had the absolute pleasure of having submissive individuals in service to me, and been in relationship with them, and it’s hard to explain how deeply I cherish what they gave me. The knowledge, the wisdom, the rocking orgasms, the intense energy wafting towards me as I fed them a birthday meal. But in the past 10 years I have been drawn for long-term pairing to Type A personalities.

These individuals are dominant. But what blows me away is that they submit to me. They surrender to me. These alphas, these powerful women, these amazing beings of passion and fury and fire… they submit to me.

The language becomes 501. To submit, but not be submissive. To surrender, but only knowing that in turn they can never fully surrender because I don’t want them to. And yet, by being dominant over, they do become submissive to me. But they are neither submissive in general (an adjective) nor Submissive (an identity, a noun).

When I have conversations about relationships, sometimes I struggle. The words are not enough. I want people to surrender, but only if I deserve it, have earned it, have shown I am a being worth surrendering to. I want people to submit to me, but only if I truly have a hand able to steer the life energy, the prana, the chi they hand over to me. That their throat and my jaw will match up and fit like puzzle pieces.

The Type A personalities who I fall for have offered one powerful piece consistently – service. By having strength and power, capacity and capability, they can look me in the eye and say- This. This is what I can do for you. This is what I will do for you. This is the vault of my knowledge and skills, and I bring with me a trove. I will do what I can, and if I can’t do it, I will outsource.

When Butterfly drives me places, it is not because she likes driving. She bloody hates driving. But doing so is an act of service. Even when it’s not part of any sort of kink thing, it’s just getting me to the post office. Especially when it’s not part of any sort of kink thing, it’s just getting me to the post office.

In-scene service can be very sexy, and yes, it gets me hard. To have someone formally kneel at me feet and act as a holder for my drink, or to go fetch food for me acting with grace and style. Very sexy. But doing service when it is needed is far more powerful. The hard part? It’s not sexy. I can’t look at my hard cock and go yes, this service, this makes a powerful gift to me and this relationship.

When I say I don’t really want someone submissive, I’m talking about folks who are submissive in their day to day life. There are exceptions, powerful ones, but for the most part, I want Type A folk. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and say no Sir, and offer why their idea is even better, and have me go “you know what, that IS a better idea.” Because I want to invest in powerful things. Powerful people.

The trick is of course the issue of language. People hear that someone is not submissive, and they hear “they are a brat” or “Lee really wants someone who will bow to every word and poor Lee for not getting what he wants.” No. Okay, I do like folks are a tad bratty… because it lets my inner Mean Daddy or Spoiling Daddy come out. Both of those are parts of my personality that fill my spirit deliciously. I love spoiling Princesses and Lost Boys. But No. I am not poor, or suffering, or not getting what I want.

I am honored when someone who is inherently submissive serves me. It is lovely. But I come alive with a fire when someone who would not serve anyone else serves me. That they look at me and go yes, your maw, your maw can hold me if I kick and scream. That they look at me and go yes, you are worthy, I will sweat for your causes. That they look at me, offer up their throat, offer up their love, offer up themselves.

Alpha Boys. Powerful Slaves. Ferocious Femmes. I want dominant personalities. I want to walk side by side, Lord and Lady of the manor, and still know that she will aced to my will when needed, and serve the house and me with grace. But that I have zero interest in anyone else treating my Lady with disrespect, or having her serve anyone else when she is not moved to do so by her cause or her cunt.

Give me your power and your gusto. Give me your passion and your flame. Let me be powerful not because I put you down, but because I am a being worthy to be worthy next to you. And, by being blessed indeed… being one step above you each time you submit to me.

– See more at: http://passionandsoul.com/journal/alpha-subs#sthash.jVh8Qka4.dpuf

How Do i See Myself?

So i’m taking the list that i posted yesterday and trying to see how i look in those areas.  i like the list because i think it identifies qualities that are important, but that aren’t one-dimensional.  So, for example, some Dominants might like a submissive who has a slightly sassy attitude and lots of exuberant energy, while another may want one who’s like a calm pond.  Neither is wrong, just different.

Attitude – I tend to be calm and non-confrontational.  When i do confront people, i am usually fairly diplomatic about it.  i can definitely see other people’s viewpoint.  When i was younger, i sometimes lost my own perspective, i was so busy “understanding” every one else.  i do that less now.

Obedience – i don’t know about this one.  Sir doesn’t really tell me to do a lot of things, and i can’t think of a time that he’s told me to do something i really disagreed with.  We did have a disagreement on something, and i was willing to abide by what i thought was his preference, but then it turned out it was a misunderstanding instead of a disagreement.  i can make a list of things that i can’t imagine obeying him about if i really thought he was wrong – my daughter, my job – things like that.  But i don’t think he’d expect me to do something i really disagreed with in those areas, and he trusts my judgment.  So – i dunno.

Warmth – Yep, i got warmth.  Emotional expressiveness, affectionate, welcoming.  Really.  Not bragging, this is a strength for me.

Trustworthy- i think i’m trustworthy.  i don’t think i’d use some vulnerability of his against him, just can’t see it.

Dependence – i don’t know that i do very well in this area, for a submissive.  i’m fairly independent – well, i can be real independent, one of the things i like about D/s is that it requires less independence.  But i think that in the time that we have been less engaged in D/s, i have stepped back and increased my tendency to not lean on Him and to not ask for support.  i was taught to see that as a strength – and it can be – but it’s probably not so helpful a trait for a submissive with her Dom.

Understanding – i get that He’s not perfect and i don’t think i expect Him to be, although i do have to check myself sometimes.  i don’t bring up past problems ~ well, not unless i really think we’re doing the exact same thing now, and then i probably would.

Awareness – i don’t know if i really know what it means to be in a D/s relationship, but i know it’s what i want.  i’ve spent a long time trying to find that relationship.

Adaptability – The list says:  “A submissive needs to be able to adapt to a new home and community, to recognize there will be changes.”  And i think, oh, i haven’t had to do that, i don’t know if i could do that… ”  But really, i have done that.   He moved into my house, but his belongings have become part of the decor.  We’re building a second closet in the bedroom for his clothes.   His family – 3 adult children and 5 grandchildren – have become part of my family.  His grandson spends some weekends with us.  Holidays and birthdays include them too.  Maybe i’m more adaptable than i realize…

Commitment – i’m still here, still working on it.

Selfishness –  The list says:  “She has an obligation to her master to make sure her own needs are being met….  There are times she has to make it known she wants attention; she can’t always depend on her master to figure it out by himself.”   This is, um, one of my flaws.  Even when i think it’s not, it is.  So i’ll have a long conversation with myself about out relationship ~ and it can go on for days ~ and then out loud, i’ll say something like, “Don’t you think maybe we need to talk about our relationship?” and think that i’ve shared my thoughts.   Ok, maybe that’s exaggerating just a bit, but it’s not too far off.  Then we talk a little bit, but i’m all cautious and worried about hurting his feelings and such.  Then nothing changes and i’m disappointed.

So.  i might have done something recently that changes that scenario.  For one, i finally got really clear about how much i need D/s.  i know, i know, youall told me to a long time ago.  And i thought i had.  Truly.  But this time i put it in writing, in an email to Him.  A couple of emails, actually.

And i haven’t let it go.  We’ve agreed to not just talk once, but to keep talking until we know what we’re doing.  It’s different this time because – before, i think that He thought He was supposed to know what to do to fix things.   Now, we’re going to just talk about what we want first.  What we think might work for us.

So ok, yes, all you “talk to him, talk to him,” people were right.  Who knew?  Being a little less worried about his feelings, and a little more clear about where i stood and how i felt apparently helped.  Moving forward…

January 19, 2015

i found a terrific list of submissive traits – at least i really like it.  It seems like the complement of the Dominant trait list that i posted recently by Sir Symon.

{Also, i was going to respond to comments today.  i thought there were some really interesting thought on my last post – but it’s almost 50 degrees outside so i’m going to take a walk instead.}

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So here’s the list – from this website:  http://www.tiedmoments.com/submission/traits.htm  See what you think:

Submissive Traits

“Awareness – of who she is and what it will mean
to enter into a d/s relationship…”


Many times I’ve seen discussions on the theme of what makes an ideal submissive. I’m not sure I’d generalize as to what’s attractive for all doms as this is highly individualized to personal taste, but for myself this is what I look for:

Attitude – as in how she approaches life. Is she confrontational, argumentative, or does she try to see other points of view? I live a quiet life so harmony is important to me. The world is full of wronged people and injustice. Rather than constantly complain about it I prefer someone who would look for the path to what could be, not suffer in martyrdom at what is.

Obedience – hey, I’m a control freak, what can I say? It is essential to me to know, without any doubt, that when it’s important there will be no argument or defiance when I say it has to be done a certain way. There doesn’t have to be agreement, but when talk is finished action follows my dictates. I will listen to objections and concerns, more often than not modify my decision based on her feedback, but final word is always mine, be it right or wrong.

Warmth – I’m not the emotional extrovert but that doesn’t mean I want someone just like me. Instead I look for someone who has that special something that can make a man feel like he is the most important person in the world…at least to her. Warm, affectionate, understanding, sensitive, someone able to openly and outwardly express her own emotions but in such a way that it blends in with my own mood.

Trustworthy – I may take control of her life, but she gains access to my innermost thoughts and emotions, to where she can virtually read my mind. I have to know she will not turn that knowledge against me, no matter what may happen. It is arguable who becomes more vulnerable in an m-s relationship, but it certainly isn’t one-sided.

Dependence – prevalent attitude says this is a “bad thing” as it leads to the dreaded co-dependence and abusive relationships. I’m sure it does happen, but the worst case is not every case. I expect and encourage her to depend on me. It is important for my own self-esteem that she look to me for her needs, and that I fulfill them. I realize this places a disproportionate burden of responsibility on my shoulders but I have learned from experience that I can handle the stress. It is part of what I give to her in return, a safe space free from worry, and a place where she can pass on her problems for someone else to solve.

Understanding – that I am not perfect, nor do I always make the right choice. I have my bad moods and off days. I try to find the best course of action based on available knowledge, but I make mistakes. I look for someone who appreciates my feet of clay and understands that when things go wrong I suffer far more than she does, even if it isn’t obvious. I don’t forget what I’ve done wrong, nor do I want to hear it repeated back to me again and again.

Awareness – of who she is and what it will mean to enter into a d/s relationship. My own ethics demand that I make sure she fully understands my intentions and expectations. I have to be convinced it is what she wants, for herself and not just to please me.

Adaptability – dominants by definition want it done their way. There can be no clash of immovable object and irresistible force, someone has to change. A submissive needs to be able to adapt to a new home and community, to recognize there will be changes.

Commitment – a willingness to do everything possible to make it work. Relationships are always difficult to sustain. Throw in a mix of D/s and it only gets more complicated. After that first rush of newfound romance wears off the work begins to ensure it endures the hardships and stresses that build up. I make the commitment to do whatever it takes, I expect the same.

Selfishness – this may not be obvious, but it’s a necessity. She has an obligation to her master to make sure her own needs are being met. Submissives are highly sensitive to the emotions of everyone around them, to such an extent they take it for granted everyone else sees what is so obvious to them. Sadly it doesn’t always work that way. There are times she has to make it known she wants attention; she can’t always depend on her master to figure it out by himself.

© 2000 Jack Peacock
This article first published at D/s Worl

Where’s the Sub List?

The ideal submissive list, that is.  The submissive counterpart to the description of the qualities we should look for in a dominant – is there one?  Or more than one?

What would it look like?  Would it be helpful to have one?  Do Dominants just already know this stuff and therefore not need a list?  Does the Dominant checklist read:

–  Whatever I want

–  Whatever i want

–  Whatever I want

Or does it have actual items –

–  Not crazy

–  Willing to do whatever I tell her/him to do

I’m pretty sure that Dumb Domme has at least one list of things she looks for in a submissive, but I think they’re pretty specific to her and not a general guideline for new Dominants.

Of course, i don’t hang out on Fetlife much, so maybe there are lots of lists.  I just can”t imagine Dominants using somebody else’s list to guide them in finding a submissive.  So – if there are lists – I imagine that submissives use them to see if we measure up to whatever-standards-are-out-there.

What do you think?

The Qigong State

This:

…”Like other Taoists, Dr. Liu believes that we all hold a piece of the universal spirit. As we live our lives and become attached to the outside world, this light within— which some traditions call the divine, some call yuan shen, some call self-awareness— becomes clouded over. By coming into the present moment and bringing our awareness within us, we can self-purify and self-transform.

These Chinese teachings state that self-healing and early diagnosis of personal ailments comes out of quieting our external attachments and channeling all our energy into one intention—an act of focus that leads us to the qigong state, which we hope eventually to experience in every moment. The qigong state can happen only in the now. It puts us in touch with our divine, brilliant nature. When we are in it, we receive energy from the universe instead of letting it be drained from us.”

This is what practicing submission does for me.

van Dernoot Lipsky, Laura; Burk, Connie (2009-05-08). Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others (BK Life (Paperback)) (pp. 132-133). Berrett-Koehler Publishers. Kindle Edition.

[M/s 365] Doing the homework

When I said yesterday that Sir Symon’s list of traits for a Dominant was for a fantasy Dominant, I didn’t mean that there weren’t good Doms out there who have those traits. My own Sir is one of those. Despite whatever struggles we may be having, He is the Dom i dreamed of when i started down this path. When I said Sir Symon’s list was our fantasy Dom, that’s what i meant – it’s the description of the Dom most of us dreamt of when we started down this path.

Being a Dom like Monkey’s David doesn’t happen overnight, and we don’t usually find them overnight either. Finding a good Dom, being a good Dom, and being a good submissive take work. i thought this article, by Master Michael, was a down-to-earth reminder of what that work is like.

Our Master/slave Journey

framed-slate-panels

This post pieces together two separate incidents into one combined thought/lesson learned — if you’re going to delve into what M/s is about, you have to be prepared to do the homework and hold others to doing their homework.

In one incident, I was approached by a friend who had been in communication with a prospective partner. As a way of a bit of advice, I suggested that she ask the gentleman for scene references. Given that the ultimate goal, for her, is to have a relationship based on power dynamics.

In the other incident, a woman wrote to me asking about how to “find a Master.” She has recently discovered her kinky side (her words) and is eager to learn, but wants to find a Master. She was asking me for advice on the subject, which I gave her.

The details here aren’t important as much as the concept of skills…

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