Monthly Archives: April 2015

And Then There Was This

So, my Dad is dying.  For those of you who’ve been around for a while, you may remember that I used to worry that no one would tell me when it happened, but clearly, that’s not going to be a problem.

I haven’t seen my Dad in about 34 years, and haven’t seen him with any regularlity since he and my Mom got divorced and he moved away.  So this is not a story of how much I loved him and will miss him, not a tale of what a wonderful man he was.

No, it’s more like, well, fuck, there are going to be feelings attached to this, and what the hell am I supposed to do with that????

He might live 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks – no idea.

He wouldn’t know me if I went to see him.

I don’t think I want to see him anyhow.  You know?

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Quote of the Day ~ 4-23-15

“To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.”

~~ Pearl S Buck

I remember that lovely feeling.  It washed over me today, with a rush of sorrow right behind it.

I told Sir that – how sometimes I just get this rush of grief for the loss of the BDSM component of our relationship.  I was fixing his coffee at the time, and he lifted my hair out of the way to kiss the back of my neck.

He texts me later – we’ll talk tonight.   It’s ok.  I’m open to talking, but I’m working on acceptance, not looking for change.  Finding my zen.

No, I don’t want to leave him.  No, I don’t think I want to look for someone else to Dom me.

But I’m not willing to not mention what I’m feeling and thinking.  I’m tired of eating my feelings.  Not willing to do it any more.  If I want ice cream, it will be for fun, not for consolation.

Jz’s Questions

i’m loving these questions.  Thanks Jz!

1. Do you read blogs:

to learn?  Yes.  Not as much now as i did in the beginning, but yes.  i learned so much about what other people did and didn’t do and what was considered acceptable and how people felt about things.  It was super helpful, and really still is.

for the stories?  Absolutely.  Ain’t nothing like a ‘nilla story.  Kinky and fun or kinky and scary, it’s always a treat.  And not just ‘nilla –  Wordwytch, and many others.

to get to know other people?  That too.  i didn’t start out that way, cause i didn’t realize that would happen, but it’s been wonderful and maybe really the best part of blogging.   Meeting fellow bloggers has been a totally unexpected bonus, but has added so much to my life.

2. If you could be given one super-hero power (like X-ray vision, or the ability to become invisible) what would you choose and why?   The ability to transport myself from one place to another instantly.  That would make my life so perfect, you have no idea.  Not only would i quit wasting time driving to work and back, planning my life around traffic and travel times, but i could whisk myself off to visit my daughter and her family ANY time i wanted to.  Whoa.  i could just drop in for a few hours and be home in time for dinner.  It would be phenomenal.

3. You’ve won an all-expenses paid trip to a kink event.
Do you go?  Yes!!  Which event is it?? i’m so excited!!  {o, fantasy.  right.  i knew that…}

If yes, where do you hang out?  i will be in the – o, i don’t know, is there a workshop going on?  i want to go there.  i want to look at the vendor booths.  Am i with someone?  i am?  Then we’re going to go to one of the playrooms and – you know, play.  Flogging.  Lots of good times ahead…

Here’s some random questions for others:

1.  If time and money were no object, where would you go on vacation?  Who would go with you?  What would you do there?

2.  If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?  Why?

3.  What is one thing you’d like for your obituary to say?

4.  Tell us something about yourself that you don’t usually talk about.

Green Girl’s Questions

Green Girl answered the questions for the Real Neat Blog award, and asked some of her own.  I’m delighted to answer…

1 – If you were going to create a blog award, what would it be called or be about?

Hmmmm.  Gosh.  i don’t think i would.  Nope.  If i were going to create something blog related, it would be a place where people could chat or a google hang-out or something like that.   Maybe a bloggers conference.  Not awards at all.  {Even though these awards do help us connect with each other…}

2 – How would you describe your style of decorating.

My style of decorating is eclectic.  I like wood, and light colors, or bright colors.  I’ve had lots of my furniture for ages – and some of it has been handed down through my  family, so there’s sort of an “old European foundation,” but then my stuff tends to be modern.  I dunno.  And then there’s bookshelves.  Lots of bookshelves.  Does that help?

3 – If you could have your dream job/occupation, what would it be?

Oh, I actually have that.  Self-employed, private practice, lots of variety, some training and presenting, great clients, some travel, make my own schedule, yep.

4 – Are there any people in your (vanilla) life who you think might actually be kinky, or who you look at and think “no way, but, yet, maybe…”

Omg, i wonder about people all the time.  i mean, i know no one would suspect that i am, at least i’m pretty sure they wouldn’t, so no holds barred, anyone could be.  And sometimes when people say things, i think, hmmmmm.  PLUS i’m pretty sure that i actually do have friends, mostly younger people, who are kinky and that are pretty nonchalant about it, albeit not formally “out.”  I mean, there are casual conversations happening about furries and how badly 50 Shades misrepresented BDSM and so on.

5 – Where would you put yourself (the sum total of your relationship) on a spectrum from incredibly stern and rigid to teasing and lighthearted?

Ha, definitely teasing and lighthearted.

6 – If you had a fairly close friend with whom you really could discuss these types of things, do you think you would still blog?

i do have some close friends i can talk about this with – and yet, here i am.  i think blogging allows me to process in writing and that’s super helpful for me.

7 – If you had more time (in your day, in your week, in your life) what would you do differently?

Sleep more?  Seriously, that might be the answer.  I never seem to have enough time to do 8 hours, and they’re saying now that 8 hours is really good for you.  But I’d have to give up some other stuff, either go to bed earlier, which would be before dark, or get up later, and I’d rather not do that.

How much more time in my day?  And where did it come from?  Is it just magical time?  Am I the only one that has more of it?

Actually, maybe I’d do more of everything I do.  Except Facebook.  I spend quite enough time on Facebook as it is.  In fact, I probably would have more time for everything if i spent less time on FB…

Anyhow. Thanks for the great questions, Gg!!

Quick Question

Hey – do any of my blogging buddies live near Arlington?  i’ll be there later this month – well, not there, but near there – and thought it would be fun to have coffee or something.  Email me if you do.

Answering Gg’s questions is next on my agenda.