Monthly Archives: February 2015

So, hmmmm, there’s this

i had a chance to go to a conference this month, and i jumped on the opportunity.

i’m flying to the venue, which seemed kind of exciting.  And then i looked at my tickets again today, and i think i made some really poor choices booking it, and —

–that reminds me that traveling by myself is scary and i don’t really like it and i could end up stranded halfway there on the way, and on the way back too and —

What Was i Thinking???

i’m such a dumb ass.  i didn’t have to do this, the conference, no one expected it, i just thought it sounded like a good idea.

No.  Not a good idea, for real.  Stupid.

i need to tell Sir what i’ve done and He’s not home right now but He’s going to be disappointed that  i didn’t plan better.  And i could have asked Him to look at my flights, and He would have seen what i missed and i could have done it differently.  Now, it’s too late.

Sigh.

You have no idea how terrified i am now.  i’ve gone from feeling competent and confident to sick at my stomach and shaky and scared.   i want to stay home.  i don’t want to go.

It’s not just that i might end up stranded at an airport, it’s that now i can’t trust myself.  If i can fuck this up so royally, what else might i mess up?  i don’t wanna go.  i just want to stay home and be safe.

But now i have to go.  i can’t waste the travel money.  i can’t call in sick.

And i know, it will be ok, it really won’t be that bad, i probably won’t be stranded forever, and maybe not even at all, but damn it.  i feel like frigging Lucy Ricardo.  All i need is Ricky wailing “Lu-cy!” at me.  Which is not how Sir will react.  Thank goodness.

i am so mad at myself.

 

 

 

A Valentine’s Day Treat

Had dinner with a couple of friends last night and saw this lovely chocolate treat:

IMG_4301

Yes.  It’s a shoe.  A red shoe.

IMG_4300

 

You can eat the chocolate inside the shoe – and you can eat the shoe.  It’s dark chocolate.

Yum.

Only $40 at a chocolatier near you.  Well, near me.

Lol…  No, i don’t want it.  But it’s lovely to look at!

Blogging… and more

This rang so true for me.

“One writes not to be read but to breathe…one writes to think, to pray, to analyze. One writes to clear one’s mind, to dissipate one’s fears, to face one’s doubts, to look at one’s mistakes–in order to retrieve them. One writes to capture and crystallize one’s joy, but also to disperse one’s gloom. Like prayer–you go to it in sorrow more than joy, for help, a road back to ‘grace’.”
― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, War Within & Without: Diaries and Letters of Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1939-1944

And it made me think about a blogger i’ve known for a long time who recently had to give up her blog.  Well, i guess she didn’t “have to” give it up, but she wasn’t able to really use it as an outlet and an expression of her life.  i’ll miss her.

In other news, i am a little bit more in touch with my Sir’s more subtle dominance.  And it takes two forms.  One is things like this:

We just built a new, small walk-in closet in our bedroom.  We’re checking it out, admiring it, talking about how nice it’s going to be for him to have His own closet.  Then ~

“Stand up against the wall,” He says.  “Yes, right there.”  He backs out and closes the door.

It is only a minute, maybe a minute, before He opens the door again.  Just long enough for me to feel the silence.  To recognize that i am there until He lets me out.  Just one minute.

When He opens the door, He’s grinning.  “Now try this,” He says.  This time, He turns off the light before He closes the door.

********

The other type of dominance is so subtle i’m not even sure it’s dominance.

A couple of years ago, i was struggling with some issues around some volunteer work i do.  Sir made a suggestion.  He shared His view of what He thought my role should be in this volunteer activity.   It was a fairly radical idea.  Not a bad idea, it just wasn’t something i’d ever thought about, and it seemed unlikely to the point of sheer fantasy.  Almost to the point of absurdity at that time.

Over the last couple of years, very occasionally, in conversation about the particular work, He’ll mention it again.  Only when it’s appropriate ~ for example,  when i’m frustrated with certain aspects of the work, He might say, “Well, you know what i think.  i think… ” and run through His idea again.

And slowly, little by little, my perception of the idea is changing.  It no longer seems totally outside the realm of possibility in my own mind.   AND, interestingly, some things have changed with other people in the group in ways that make the idea seem actually possible.

But i would never let my Dominant tell me what i should do in work stuff, even volunteer work, you know?  So i don’t even think that’s dominance.   That’s just who He is.  Right?