Tag Archives: BDSM

Too Stubborn

I’ve been having problems with my knee for a while now.  Well, i’ve had trouble with my knee off and on for many years, but lately, since about the end of July, it’s really been bothering me.

You may know that i believe that some pains – chronic kinds of pain – have symbolic power.  For example, i once had tremendous shoulder pain – so bad i could barely raise my arm – that was cured once i realized i didn’t have to carry the weight of the world on my own shoulders.  Seriously.  So when i have shoulder pain, i focus on figuring out what burden i’m carrying that isn’t mine,  and work on letting it go.

Knee pain?  i believe that some knee pain is connected to not being wiling to bend.  Being stubborn.  I have some old injuries, and more recently i had strained it by carrying some heavy things much more than i was used to.  But there was just no good reason for the discomfort to linger like it did.

I had been trying to ignore it, thinking it would go away eventually.  But ~ sitting at my kitchen table ~ i had a sudden flash of insight.  i suddenly realized how many things i’m being stubborn about.  Things that i don’t want to change and need to change.  Reality i need to accept.

i need to practice more effective self-care.  My fantasy of using kink and D/s to help me do the work i do is a fantasy.  Not going to happen.

If i accept that, then i need to accept that my eating habits involve a lot of comfort eating and bingeing to escape feelings i don’t want to sit with.  So i’m telling my clients to sit with their feelings, and not doing it myself.  And i’m noticing that i get triggered more easily  ~ a rush of “not good enough” shame can swamp me in a minute.  Eating my way back out of it is not really helpful.  Not ultimately.

i need to spend less time on the computer and more time moving around.  My job requires some computer time, and lots of sitting, but nearly as much time as i spend doing it.   My knee would feel better after i moved around for a while, but i didn’t take that hint and spend more time moving around.  Nope.  i would sit at my desk, scrolling aimlessly through FB, ruminating on the woes of life, until my knee would get so stiff and sore i could barely stand.  Too stubborn to recognize how much it was bothering me, too stubborn to make a doctor appointment, too stubborn to even take ibuprofen regularly – even though it helped when i did take it!!

Ridiculous.

And i’m too stubborn to decide what i’m supposed to be doing with my own wild and precious life.

Unfocused, i wander from one thing to another until i have 35 dangling possibilities, and then i don’t pursue any of them all the way through.  Sometimes, i think that’s ok, but sometimes i think  that with a bit more whole-hearted pursuit, i could have accomplished something with my life.

i’m watching things that i was interested in years ago, things that no one cared about back then, suddenly blossom and move into acceptance, and i wonder, what would have happened if i’d hung in there, kept working on it?

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
—Mary Oliver

Maybe nothing, maybe that wasn’t where i needed to be.  Who knows?  Too late to find out.  Now people are explaining things to me that i knew about 10 years ago, and no one wants to hear about “back in the day…”

So i move forward, limping on my bad knee, wandering.  Too stubborn to keep telling Sir what i need, not wiling to be more explicit, more clear.  i told him already – he should already know!!  Too stubborn to look for ways to tell him again and again – with love.

i pull away instead, retreat into my hurt, hiding so quietly he barely knows i’m gone.

So, sitting there at the kitchen table, squirming around to try to make  my knee comfortable, i made a mental list of all my stubborn spots, thought about writing this blog post, took some ibuprofen and went to bed.

In the morning, my knee did not hurt anymore.

Yep.  After weeks – probably 6 weeks or more of pretty steady stiff/soreness/swelling.  Didn’t hurt at all.  And really hasn’t since then.  This was at the end of last week, probably 5 days now, free of discomfort.  Without more ibuprofen.

But i think i need to do something about those stubborn spots i found.  Because a couple of days ago, i was standing in the doorway of my walk-in closet, contemplating the absurdity of not having anything to wear with a closet full of clothes, when i turned sideways and suddenly my back hurt!  Lower back.

It doesn’t hurt all the time, just when i sit too long, when i first stand up, it hurts so bad i can barely stand.  Once i move a little bit, it’s ok again.  i’m doing the least i can do to deal with ~ taking ibuprofen sometimes, which works ~ but i think the message is clear.  i need to start making some real change in my life, or i will be all twisted up and unable to stand comfortably.

Grrr, grrrr, grumble, grumble, don’t wanna change, don’t wanna.  i want everyone else to change, please and thank you.

i need to put into words what i want from D/s, and share that with my Sir.  i may practice writing it here, i may use this blog to talk about how i’m going to change… but i think i better start by getting up from this chair and moving a bit first.

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That Whole Empath Thing

With thanks to Jade, who shared – this article.  We ~ she and i ~ have had this conversation before about being an empath ~ she is, and she often says i am and other people have said that too.  When i read the articles about it, i always start out going, “yes, yes,” and then about halfway through, i’m like, “Um, no.”

I’d just think, “That’s too “over-the-top,” no.  That’s not me.

Then Jade shares this article with me, and it says:

For several years, one of the most important tasks I had was to help young therapists in training to use their empathic skills differently. To build empathic muscle and emotional resilience. To transform a liability into a strength.

I thought it might be helpful to share some of the key secrets here.

So, first, here is the bad news. It’s where we have to start. It’s going to be a shock to some, but we need to begin at the beginning: empaths are not empathising at all; they are actually identifying.

I repeat, empaths are not empathising, they are identifying.

To explain what I mean, imagine you have someone drowning out in the middle of a lake. If you’re identifying, you’re so overcome by what it would be like if you were the person drowning that before you know it you’ve jumped in too, even though you can’t swim, and now there are two people drowning instead of one.

If you’re a tuned in, canny empath with muscle, you’re observing what’s going on with enormous understanding and compassion, you feel the other’s fear and panic, you hold it inside you long enough to transmute it through the sheer power of loving intention and you breathe out calm and your belief and strength and knowledge that this person can swim.

You don’t jump in; you stay on the shore, talking them through, hearing, noticing, showing you get it, making sure they know they’re not alone. And that these feelings threatening to drown them can be survived.

There’s nothing new or magical about this. It’s what tuned-in mothers and fathers do for their babies all the time. Watch carefully and you’ll see it happening. You’ll see a baby fraught with fear or rage or frustration become miraculously soothed because a parent is showing that these feeling can be survived and managed. The parent takes those feelings into their own body, holds them a while, and then gives them back to the baby in a processed and manageable form.

And this is the crucial bit for us to understand if we’re going to become true empaths rather than identifiers—if we’re going to become empaths with muscle who can make a difference.

And i thought, “O!!”  That’s what i do!!  That’s what i do at work and with people i love and friends and sometimes with people i just run into at the grocery or something.  Yes.

Not all the time, you know, sometimes i struggle with it, but that’s what i mostly do.

Then the article says:

Supposing we were to do the following: we begin to process and transmute the energy we receive, rather than merely absorb it.

I would suggest that what the world needs, and I am talking spiritually here now, as well as emotionally and psychically, is not more “empaths,” but more “transmuters.”

I’m talking lightworker talk here.

We know, many of us, that everything is light, and that we are beings of light. We know that the only difference between one expression or manifestation of light and another is the frequency at which it vibrates.

Feelings are light energy vibrating. When we absorb, temporarily hold and process, and then re-release energy which has been soothed by our attention and empathic understanding, we change that energy’s vibration. And once you’ve discovered to bring calm attention to another’s out of control vibration, you can become amazingly effective at transmuting energy in that way.

It’s what tuned-in parents do, and what skillful therapists do.

It’s what empaths with muscle do when they have become lightworkers.

And that is what i do.  When i can take care of myself ~ when i do take care of myself ~ it’s ok, it doesn’t drain me, i can manage it.  But i really need to take care of myself.

Then ~ while i’m still absorbing all this ~ Jade says something like, “Well, that explains the movies, doesn’t it?”   And i think, “It does?  How does it  ~~ oh!”

Cause i think ~ and i don’t know if this is what Jade meant or not ~ but here’s what i think.  When i watch a movie, all those feelings are coming at me, but i can’t do anything with them.  My ability to hold them and process them gets overwhelmed pretty quickly and then i’m just drowning.

i used to say it.  i used to say, “when i’m doing therapy with somebody and they’re telling me about their sexual abuse, i can listen and sort of “go there” with them, and help them hold that, and then come back, and it doesn’t bother me in the same way because it helps them.  i’m doing it for a reason.  But if i have to try to do that with a movie, it doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t help anybody, and it’s just too much.”

Yep. i used to say that.

So this doesn’t change anything, except i can quit trying to make sense of all this empath stuff.  Now i know how it works and where i fit.  And it’s not kinky, so i don’t know why i’m putting it here… but still.  Here i am.

Thanks, Jade.

50 Shades ~ The Movie

i bet you didn’t know this blog is now about media ~ books and movies and who knows, maybe podcasts in the future!

No, it’s not really, at least i don’t think it is.  But Sir did bring home the movie 50 Shades of Gray last night, and we watched it together.  i know every one else has already seen it and is no longer the least bit interested, and that’s ok.

i was a bit disappointed that it didn’t seem more erotic to me.  There was a moment or two where i thought, o, that’s hot, and might have been a bit turned on, but mostly i didn’t feel any great chemistry between Ana and Christian.  But that might have just been me.

Throughout the movie, i just kept thinking, “But she’s not submissive!  This can’t work!!”  Really, i think she was just attracted to the luxury of his lifestyle ~ even though she acts like she’s not, i totaly think she is.  i mean, she didn’t give back the books. Or the car.  And really, how could she not be?

Or maybe she is submissive, and it’s just buried beneath all the layers of socially acceptable?  i try to imagine myself that age again, fresh out of college…  even then i knew that i wanted to give myself completely to my lover, that i wanted to belong to him.  And if anyone had given me the kind of sensual experiences that he gave her, back then?  Whew.  i think i would have submitted in a heartbeat.

i totally knew that i liked to get spanked, even that long ago, and i had just not met anyone that wanted to do it in any way other than just pounding away with their hand – nothing remotely sensual.  And i was too naive to know there were other ways to do it.

Anyhow.  By the end ~ of the movie ~ i think that maybe Christian Grey is not even actually dominant.  That if he were, he would have told her “no,” that he wouldn’t have let her goad him into “punishing” her.  But of course, it’s not fair to say he isn’t dominant because of that.  Like the rest of us, he falls into his own emotions and does foolish things.

Sir was dismayed that the movie portrayed Christian as having something wrong with him because he’s dominant ~ and of course i didn’t like that either.  My take-away on the movie, really, is that it’s a Harlequin romance gone astray.  {Which is not even a novel thought.}

But it was nice watching the movie together.  Actually, maybe we could listen to some podcasts together.  Hmmm.  That might be interesting…

Ok, i have work to do, can’t be lollygagging* around here all day.  ❤

*For the word geeks among us ~ autocorrect wanted to change lollygagging to lallygagging, but google totally recognizes lollygagging, both as a legitimate word that means “spend time aimlessly” or “dawdle” and in the urban dictionary, where it means “Procrastination in its fullest.” or  “purposely finding other things to do other than what you should be doing”   Whereas there is no such word as lallygagging.  Stupid autocorrect.

Other People’s Blogs

I was reading some other people’s blogs yesterday – i haven’t even been doing that lately, or barely doing it, so it was nice to get back into finding out what’s going on with old friends, and meeting new folks.  Thinking about bloggers i’ve lost track of, like Sin – Sin, are you out there?  And ~ o, i can’t remember her name, damn it.  She was a slave and a writer… damn.

Anyhow.  i looked at some stories – the Agnes and Fredrick series that are so lovely.  I tried to find some that Vesta had written about a training school type scenario – the last part that i remember has the heroine writing lines as a punishment – or a teaching device – something about being her Master’s property.  And there’s a part where she’s required to lift her skirt to sit at the table that has always stuck with me.  Some other parts too, only i couldn’t find them, and i don’t really know if i’m remembering them right.

What i do remember ~ and this is true for the Agnes and Fredrick series too ~ is that they move so slowly ~ so mindfully ~ and that gives them so much power for me.  That is the kind of D/s i crave.  i want to absorb each moment of what’s happening.

When i was reading back through some of Vesta’s posts, i found one from 2013 where she’s going to confront her husband and let him know that she really needs him to do something to be able to re-engage in kink with her.  (i think i’m probably not describing the post well, and Vesta is so deliberate in her wording that i need to link to the post here.)  But i thought, i could have written this ~ well, not written it, but i thought, this is where i’m standing.

Truly, there is nothing new under the sun.

And i thought about things yesterday.   i remembered a long time ago, a Dom i used to talk to who said if i were his slave, he would keep me naked all the time ~ in the house, that is ~ so that he would remember i was a slave.  At the time, i was equally appalled and attracted.

Anyhow.

i think about writing fantasy ~ actually i’ve been thinking about finishing some old stories i started a long time ago and making them Amazon e-books.  It’s the kind of thing i think about doing and don’t follow up on.   They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but i mostly have good ideas that just bounce around in my brain and don’t lead anywhere.

And my WordPress app is not cooperating with me today.  i’m using my ipad, and this bar pops up across the bottom of the screen that blocks two or three lines ~ the ones i’m working on usually.  Stupid app.

i had this idea that some external discipline would help me follow up on doing things that i need to do.  Not that my Sir would have to check on my progress ~ although maybe that too ~ but that being spanked, having rules and rituals, would put me in a different headspace.  That the vanilla part of me would be better able to stay on track, would function a bit better.

But maybe not, and maybe how i function is really the best it can be.  i dunno.  It’s a super rainy, stormy Sunday here.  A good day for brooding and ruminating.  Except ~ o, wait ~ i have a long list of things i didn’t already get done that need attention today.

And it’s not like i don’t function fine, i do.  Maybe i’m just greedy, always wanting more.  But we submissive girls are like that, aren’t we?

March!

In case you haven’t heard, March is Q and A month is the blogosphere.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask.  It may be a few days before I can answer right now, because I still have limited internet access and limited privacy, but any and all questions are welcome.

🙂

Thinking it Through

Sir and i are still having conversations and dipping our toes in the D/s dynamic again, so all is well there.  But after reading Lee Harrington’s interesting post about Alpha Subs and Type A Service, i began to wonder — is Sir not more actively dominant all the time because he is happy with what i bring to our relationship already?

Then i read faerie’s* heartbreaking post about the recent conflict between her and Musicman.  In the process of the argument, Musicman says that he would rather she leave (after 30 years together) and let him live his life with his kids and grandkids.  When i see that, of course my heart aches for faerie.  But i also thought it was nonsense.

With kids and grandkids living in the house, i am 100 percent sure that some of the reason Musicman can enjoy them is because faerie is putting a whole bunch of effort into making things work.  Even if the effort she’s expending is directed to making the kids be more responsible, or trying to not end up doing all the actual work herself, i know that her efforts are part of whatever makes the situation successful.  And if Musicman doesn’t realize that, it is because of his own blindness.  Actually, i think he’s probably just overwhelmed with everything going on and doesn’t have the energy he needs for the relationship, but that’s none of my business anyhow.

it did make me realize that Sir is really appreciative of the things that i bring to our relationship.  i don’t want to sound – i dunno, like i’m bragging?  But really, His life has changed in a bunch of ways due to us being together, and He likes it.  And He lets me know He likes it.

Most of the difference is not because i’m doing anything specifically submissive.  Or not what i think of as submissive, not what i see as part of my submission.  It’s just not.  So, for example, His family is always welcome in our home.  They just are.  So is my family, for that matter, and His friends and my friends too.  i am an open house kind of person – even though i’m an introvert and sometimes also need them to all leave.

I may have been bitching recently to friends about doing all the work at some events, and i can get resentful if i’m not careful.  But i believe it’s up to me to do something about it (like ask for help when i want it) rather than just bitching.  Anyhow.  That’s a different topic.

My point is that Sir is happy with me.  He likes most of the things i do and the way i do them and He’ll support me in just about any way i need Him to.  Seriously.

i can remember recognizing and bemoaning the fact that my first husband did not appreciate the gifts i had to offer.  Not “appreciate” in the sense of “be grateful for,”  but appreciate like we enjoy a good meal or a fine wine.  If you like White Zinfandel, and you’re being served a French Merlot Reserve, even if it’s aged to perfection, you may be less than thrilled.  Doesn’t mean it’s not good wine, you don’t appreciate the goodness of it because it’s not to your taste.

So i’m an understanding, compassionate wife, mother, and step-mother.   i can calm the waters of just about any storm.  i’m passionate about social justice.  i love to read and learn things.  And i’m a casual to indifferent cook and housekeeper.  Guess what my first ex wanted?  Yep.  Fortunately, after we divorced, he found someone else who was good at the things he valued, and is living the dream in his own way.

Second husband, the story is much shorter – and involves lots of alcohol on his part – but by the end of our three years together, he didn’t want anything i had to offer.  Wouldn’t eat food i’d fixed.  Wouldn’t touch me.  Pretty much wasn’t speaking to me.  Didn’t take any of the books or other gifts i’d given him when he left.  i didn’t care much by then anyhow, but it was some ultimate way of saying, .”i don’t want any part of you.”

So here i am — in a relationship with someone who appreciates and enjoys me exactly the way i am.   And isn’t hesitant about telling me how pleased and appreciative He is.

And i’m all frustrated because He’s not controlling me more or telling me to “do things.”

Sigh.

Ok, that doesn’t mean i’m wrong about wanting more D/s in our relationship.  i do need that because it supports and feeds who i am.   But i think i need to be careful to appreciate what i have.  What He brings to my life.

And i need to be more willing to risk asking for what i want.  i need to work on being more of who i am.  That supports Him being more of who He is, and i need to trust that this will be good for both of us.

Yeah.  And i need to be sure that i appreciate Him for not wanting me to be someone i’m not, for not controlling me in ways that would stifle me or make my life more difficult than it needs to be.   i think that now that we’re talking about our relationship, this will be easier to do.

*http://faerielernstofly.blogspot.com/ – sorry, couldn’t figure out how to do the link on my ipad…

Cautiously

So Sir and i have been talking, and i am cautiously hopeful.

He is my Dominant.  i know that He is.  i don’t know why He hasn’t been acting like it, but i think maybe, possibly, we’re heading toward some new understanding.

Cautiously optimistic…

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