A New Approach

i’ve decided to start poking Him.

No, not like that!!  Verbally.

So if i’m thinking about how much i miss being submissive and He asks me what i’m thinking about, i’m not going to say, “o, nothing really.”  Not that he lets me get aways with that, but i’ve been avoiding just telling him.

But i’m going to start.  You know, He says, “What’s on your mind?” and i say:

~~ o, i was just thinking about that time you tied me up under that table at your old apartment while you took a shower.  (sigh…)


~~ um, i was just thinking about the time you got the TIFKA’s and used them on me.  (sigh..)  i really liked that.

or even

~~ yeah, so i was just thinking about what it would be like if you started giving me rules and tasks and we had some rituals and routines (sigh…)

What do you think?  Too much sighing?  Little sighs, not big ole huffy sighs though.  That’s ok, right?

And what’s the worst that can happen?  He can get tired of hearing it and decide to – make a rule against it?  Spank me?  {giggling}

Is this how submissives become brats?


…what ~~ ever.  i think i’d rather be a bratty submissive than no submissive at all.

In other news, i have quit eating compulsively.  Yep.  Don’t ask me exactly how or why, but i have.  For about a week.  It’s not a diet, not a weight loss plan and not temporary.  i just need to quit eating bread and sweets and all that crap that doesn’t even make me feel good anyhow and that once i start i can’t stop and ~~

~~ i’m done with that.  Not saying i won’t relapse, but as of now, i feel really good about it.

And i have not forgotten that i still have questions to answer either.


24 thoughts on “A New Approach

  1. vanillamom

    fwiw, I don’t think it is ‘bratty’ to answer his questions honestly. if you say nothing, he has to go with what you say, right? Telling him how you are is a really nice way of really letting him know how deeply you miss your submissive life. bravo to you, woman.


  2. sofia Post author

    Well, but what I’ve really been thinking is more like, “Omg, am i going to spend the rest of my life without D/s? Why doesn’t he want me to be submissive any more? Why doesn’t he want to be my Dom? What’s wrong with me?” Only whinier. And i could say those things, but it doesn’t seem like it would be very productive. You know?

    But thanks for those kind words!!

  3. hispetitelle

    Hi Sofia. I think in married D/s land it’s imperative that you say what you need to say. Afterall, you’re not asking for anything unreasonable, you are asking for him to reestablish your entire dynamic, one that you had already believed to be firmly rooted. It’s light years from bratting. I wish you well.

    1. sofia Post author

      I think you’re right, hispetitelle. Thanks for weighing in. It’s not really being a brat. It’s trying to find what I thought we both needed.

  4. jadescastle

    For awhile here i tried the whole transparency route (Why don’t you want me anymore? Wah! i’m *dying* to be hurt by you! i *need* you!) and it didn’t work. Like, at all. i decided transparency is over-rated. Yep. i ended up doing more or less what you are saying (minus sighs) and also a lot of making sure she knows how much i appreciate it when we do S/m. You would think she would *know*, right? But i make a point a day or so later to admire the marks, tell her how much i enjoy her, how beautiful it makes me feel to wear her bruises.

    There are times that i just quietly ask if “maybe in the next week or so” if we could make time for that. Two or three weeks later, um, when my girl charms fail, i might point out that we are both getting tense and she is challenging my pleasant demeanor. Heh. Somehow, even when she just agrees that this is something she needs too, it helps a whole lot.

    Here, the basic structure is always in place though, and i thank her very often for that. i thank her for taking care of me. i thank her a lot, actually.

    1. sofia Post author

      Yeah Jade, i think that particular kind of transparency is over-rated. It doesn’t do any good.

      i think part of the “problem” is that all this stuff i’m doing is really intended to get him to do what i want. Damn. i hate that.

      Thanks for sharing your perspective. It helps.

      1. jadescastle

        At a certain point, love, it crosses the line from, “I want this” (which is fine also) to “I NEED THIS.”

        There is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with getting what you want sometimes or what you need. i know that you know this, but we all need to hear it from time to time.

        1. sofia Post author

          Do I need it? What makes it a need instead of a want? I survived the first 48 years of my life without it, and even in the last 10 years have not had it more than I’ve had it. So it’s not like I’ll go crazy without it, or go blind, or not be able to function. What makes it a need?

        2. jadescastle

          For me, i think of it as a need when not having it negatively interferes with my ability to be the person my Master wants me. If not having it is negatively impacting my relationship and/or productivity, then it has become a need. A want is something that i would like to have. Without it, i honestly don’t function well (grins) and i’m already blind. Heh. Seriously, my pain levels are higher, my sleep is worse, it’s just much harder for me to function or think. That doesn’t mean that i get the need met but that is how i distinguish the difference.

  5. monkey

    “And what’s the worst that can happen? He can get tired of hearing it and decide to – make a rule against it? ” I have one of these rules, and I got it just that way. I thought I was encouraging, apparently I was nagging. Now I can’t bring the topic up at all, unless he mentions it first.

    What hispetitelle said. I think what you plan is a great idea. Express yourself calmly and honestly when the opportunity arises. Jadescastle has good points too… positive re-inforcement works too.

    The sighs are funny, wiritten here in the post, and all of us understand and sympathize with the feelings that generate the sighs. Not so funny in practice. I’d cut out the sighs all together. Their only purpose would be to put emotional pressure on him.

    I’m rooting for you!!!

    1. sofia Post author

      Well, at least a rule would be a rule!! lol, i don’t think He’d do that anyhow. You know, who knows, maybe He wants me to beg.

      Ok, no sighs. They were really just meant to be funny here. 🙂 And thanks so much for the support!

  6. Wordwytch

    Glad to hear that you’ve decided to voice your thoughts. By the way, it isn’t Bratty, it’s Sam-y! (Smart Ass Masochist.) Teeheehee…

    And as far as I’m concerned, sighs are perfect punctuation. sigh…

    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks for the support for sighs, Wordwytch!! And you’re right, i thought about saying i’d be a SAM, but i’m not that much of a masochist. 🙂

  7. Jz

    OK, from personal experience as a poker…

    no sighs – unless you enjoy having someone snap, “stop being so passive-aggressive!” at you…

    and don’t do this unless you’re quite sure you’re prepared to deal with his reaction.
    (corollary to, “don’t ask the question if you aren’t ready to handle the answer”)

    Honesty is one thing.
    Poking is another.
    Walk the line, my friend.
    (we’re walking it right behind you>)

    1. sofia Post author

      Yes, ma’am, Jz, i really appreciate you sharing your experience – it is a fine line, and hopefully i’ll walk it. i’m glad you’re with me. 🙂

  8. greengirliam

    It has always struck me that, for a construct that says it demands absolute honesty and openness, that it really doesn’t quite work that way. I hold a lot of power in what i choose to say or not say and in how and when i say it. It’s part of knowing each other – knowing how to use words and timing and non-verbals for the impact we want. There’s a lot of potential to manipulate. He’s not dumb – he knows this. I’ve learned to try to give him my honest feelings about things – good, bad or ugly – with as little spin as i can manage. It’s a pretty profound surrender of power. But he’s had to learn to accept it that way – even the ugly. I think this is an awesome step – for being honest with him about what you miss about your relationship – but also it can deepen the power exchange as you are more open to him.

    1. sofia Post author

      Good points, Gg. It isn’t as easy as just being open and honest – there are all kinds of ways that efforts to do that can go awry. I’m glad you think this is a good way to go. At least i’m expressing some of what i’m feeling instead of keeping it bottled up and hoping for a miracle. You’re right, that may deepen the relationship and the power exchange.

      Thank you.

      1. vanillamom

        “…instead of bottling it up and hoping for a miracle…” yes. just that. I’m a firm believer that we make many of our “miracles” occur (which is not to say that true miracles don’t happen–they do–but not usually this kind). This could take a lot of work on your part, (which you know)…but if means you’re invested in the relationship and my friend the therapist tells me that is a good sign.



  9. sofia Post author

    Omg, Jade – I’m a dumbass – when I said I won’t go blind I was thinking about the old thing about masterbating. Sheesh… sorry.


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