Where’s the Magic?

D/s has been magic in my life.  There have been times i’ve felt like this:



Although the picture isn’t quite right, it needs more openness, but still, there are times i’ve felt like that.  Kneeling at His feet, wanting to feel His hand on my head.  Wanting to kiss and caress Him.

There have been times i’ve felt like this:


or like this:


Deeply in touch with some power that is contained between me and Sir.  The spiritual element of BDSM maybe.

i am not feeling any of that these days.  {i know, you already knew that, why do i keep talking about it?}

Instead, I’m living in black-and-white.


Ok, we don’t actually have 4 kids, thank goodness.  But still.  This is what my life feels like today.

But it also feels like this:


Or like this:


So i try to remember:


And i try to count my blessings.

i woke up all early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  “Early” for me, in this case, was like 3 a.m.  i lay there thinking, trying to go back to sleep for about 45 minutes before i gave up and got up.

i thought about how i can’t expect Him to change.  He loves me and He’s doing the best He can right now, i know that.  i  don’t have any control over that – over Him – anyhow.

So what do i need?  Given that i can’t change Him, what do i need to do to be ok?  What am i really missing and how do i replace it?

i miss the magic, the color, the sparkle.  The feeling that goes with submission…

End of the World Kaleidoscope

So maybe i need to find that for myself.  Maybe i don’t have to get that D/s connection with Him to find it, maybe i can uncover it inside myself.

i’m not sure how i’m going to do that.  But i saw this article this morning about yoga.  It ends with this:

My soul is opening. The truth was always within me, buried beneath control and fear. Lying in Savasana, I finally asked for help. I asked the Universe to help me be open and honest, and to let the love flow the way it is meant to. I surrender.

My greatest hope now is that I can stay in this place, and deeply honor it when I see it in you.

I will see you. Will you see me?

Maybe that is a key.  Or maybe i need to find some Wiccan practices, or meditate more, or something that will put me in deeper touch with myself.  i don’t know what the answer is, but perhaps it is inside me.

And maybe i can find it.




11 thoughts on “Where’s the Magic?

  1. vanillamom

    I would guess that yoga would help with that sort of deep opening. I loved when I took it–i simply do not have time for it just now. Today while working I discovered that I use a yoga pose to do one specific task and it was eye-opening. I smiled the rest of the way through my task. It teaches you to tap into your power, your personal strength, even while aiding your physical strength. Don’t go into it thinking you’ll lose 40 pounds and become a svelte model-like wraith. (It didn’t work that way for me, anyway!)….but I honestly cannot recommend yoga enough.


    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, ‘nilla – i guess i really do need to try it. i love the image of you doing your task in a yoga pose. 🙂 Thanks.

  2. innocuous37

    I love yoga – and it does make you feel better, happier, stronger. Not all at once, and not every single minute, but … overall, you know? And for me there’s a connection between how good I feel and how much I eat. And yoga helps with that. Try some different types of classes. Treat yourself as you would recommend someone else treat themselves.

    I also miss the magic. There’s a little bit left of mine. But not all that much. Not like there was. And no, we can’t change them. Which is really fucking annoying because damn they need to change.


    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Sin, i really will have to try yoga.

      As for the magic, and changing them – yeah. It is annoying. i’m sending hopeful thoughts for you too…

  3. sirqsmlb

    OK, so here’s a question…why not think you can expect change. We all change…all the time. He HAS changed, your dynamic has changed. Why not expect that the journey you travel and experience together is made up of compromise…for you both. There’s always give and take for you both. It’s wonderful to work on you…but you can also work on the “us”…the relationship. Invest in the relationship, communicate and expect communication.


    I hope I’m not too negative or pushy. You know I love you. You can tell me to stop and just be supportive anytime!

    1. sofia Post author

      Dear Fiona – Yes, i agree that we can expect change, we just don’t get to dictate what kind of change! i’m not giving up on the relationship, and we are communicating, and you know, it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be!!

      You’re not too negative or pushy, and i love you too!!

  4. mckitten

    I think it is possible to surrender and get that submission magic by yourself – certainly that’s how I discovered surrender initially, by myself and through a spiritual angle. Not until I had learnt it that way, could I then properly surrender to my husband as I’d been longing to. So… the other way round… why not?!


    1. sofia Post author

      What a lovely blog you have, McKitten! I’d love to hear more about what you mean in this comment – skimmed around your blog a bit, but am wondering if there are particular posts that speak to this aspect of it.

      Thank you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s