Giving

All my life, i wanted to “give myself” to the man i loved.  Well, since the days that i first loved a man in a sexual way.  i wanted to belong to Him, not quite like property, i don’t think like property, but i wanted to belong to Him completely and to serve and please Him.

i haven’t talked about this, or really thought about it, in a long time.

i wanted Him to hurt me sometimes, if He wanted to, so He would know He could and so i would know that i belonged to Him.  Not to harm me, i didn’t want Him to harm me. because i also wanted Him to love me and care about me.  But i wanted Him to hurt me sometimes so we would know that i belonged to Him and that He could do what He wanted with me.

i didn’t have the words for it, not really, not back so long ago, but long before i knew that D/s was a real thing, i wanted to submit.

Ok, i knew that sadism existed, and masochism, there was Story of O after all.   But that was not what i wanted.  Besides, you know, he leaves her at the end – “releases” her, after he’s scarred her and pierced her, branded her, you would think he’d keep her forever – she belonged to him, – but he didn’t.

Anyhow.  Wanting to give – having a gift to offer – and being rejected is painful for most people.  Sometimes it’s more painful than others.  My first ex wanted a woman who would clean and cook and wash clothes and iron and i did all that, but that’s not my strong suit. His second wife loved doing all that, and fussing over people while she did it, worrying that they weren’t eating enough or didn’t have clean clothes,

That’s not who i am – i mean, i did all that when the kids were little, but it’s just not my strong suit.  Now if you want someone to listen to you and understand your problems, someone who’ll be patient, love your children, and get along with your ex, or someone to do some research, write a letter to the editor, manage the budget, plan a Xmas celebration for 20 people, or worship your cock, then i’m your woman.

Seriously.  If you value someone who’s passionate about social justice, has deep compassion for people who are suffering, and who thinks she’s supposed to make a difference in the world, i might be your woman.

You know, as it turned out, that wasn’t who my first husband wanted, or my second one either, although in fairness, i may not have known who i was back then either.  But i digress.

The sense of wanting to give myself is somehow separate from all that (even though, if you accept what i’m giving, then “all that” is pretty much what you get.)  And i can’t describe the feeling, the longing.  It is something like this:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

~~ Anais Nin

Although that’s not quite right either. It’s like the book that one Dom wrote – what was it?  The warrior princess submissive?  Yeah, something like that.

Sigh.  Maybe something like that.

Giving.  The feeling of being totally open and belonging to some one…

Maybe it’s not giving that i want – maybe it’s not “to give myself.”  Even though it feels like that.  Maybe it’s to be accepted.  Maybe i just want my needs met.  (i know, there’s nothing wrong with that, even submissives have needs and it’s ok to want them met.)

Fuck, do i just want to be loved?

But i am loved, i know that.  i am loved.  i want to belong to him, i want to be His.

Bobby’s girl?  is that the deal, i just wanna be Bobby’s girl?

Ok, that just makes me giggle.  Frigging 1962.

Seriously.  There is some part of me that wants to be open and vulnerable and belong to Sir.  i want to love Him and serve Him and obey Him.

i guess i can’t describe it better than that anymore.  Do youall know what i mean?