Just Interesting

This article is just interesting.   Entitled Why I (A Happily Married Woman) Use A Sex Surrogate,  the author says (in part):

{If I didn’t need sex, …} I could bask in the love that he gives me every day, I could luxuriate in all the ways that he likes to spoil me, I could soak up his affection, and I would be satisfied.

I wouldn’t need to feel desired to stay in shape, to take pride in my body. I wouldn’t feel the loss of libido as the loss of life-force. I wouldn’t feel devalued by my husband’s lack of interest in sex with me.

We love each other too much to divorce. But asking your spouse to stop being sexual just because you have lost your interest is akin to asking them to chop off their leg because you are in a wheelchair. For a fully sexual person to voluntarily lay aside their sexuality for the rest of their lives is asking them to amputate an integral part of themselves. When I have put away my sexuality for the sake of our marriage, I have stopped being the person my husband married.

Pete and I have recently renegotiated our marriage. We tried an open marriage a few years ago, and neither of us liked it. Today, we have a marriage that is “closed with an asterisk.” It is closed, except for when things are not going well with Pete’s health. So I see a man named Harry about once a month. Harry is, for lack of a better term, a volunteer sex surrogate.

and she ends with this:

This is the truth: Our relationship is an epic love story. We are two people with all of the flaws and foibles of our species. What makes our marriage extraordinary is that we love each other so much that we will do anything, including rewriting the rules of our marriage, to stay together.

The way she expresses her feelings about not having sex caught my attention, because it’s the same way i feel about not having D/s or kink.  And of course, their solution is interesting.

Can’t imagine doing it, but it gave me pause.  What do youall think?

P.S. Yes, i am talking more about my wants and needs…

5 thoughts on “Just Interesting

  1. monkey

    I was fascinated by this article. For a lot of reasons. I do understand your perspective relating this to kink and D’s as it pertains to you (and also to me).

    I do not know the particulars of your intimate relationship with your Sir. From what you have written here it appears he broke/changed the implied contract that your relationship was based on. That is not a criticism of him, just a statement. I also understand that you love him and that there is more than enough connection and relationship there for you to not even consider leaving. Or maybe in your head you have considered it. Either way, you want this to work but you are not getting a major component of what you want and need.

    I think few men would be amenable to a solution like the one in the article, but I think it’s a fabulous solution. IF your partner is willing to do the hard emotional work it takes to get to a place where this would be good for both of you. Mine wouldn’t even consider this, and if by some miracle he did, I don’t think he is capable of the sustained emotional work it would take.

    I think your Sir is more evolved than my partner. Are you thinking of showing him the article?

  2. jadescastle

    It may be the only kind of amputation where we are asked to do the dissection on ourselves. This article explains the demoralization well, i think, seeing as i’ve done all of those things. i’m disconnected from myself. And i just keep slicing.

  3. Kia

    I, too, find this concept fascinating. One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen since starting to attend kink events is couples who have somewhat different incompatible playing separately. They arrive together, socialise together, perhaps play together a bit, but spend most of the evening with other people. Watching them together, I can see that they love each other clearly and deeply, and have found other ways to explore their interests to mutual satisfaction.

    In some ways, it makes perfect sense. If one partner likes fishing and the other prefers chess, they would likely do these activities together sometimes, but each partner would be just as likely to have a close group of friends who are passionate about their interests that they would meet up with on their own. Would it be such a huge mental and emotional leap to apply the same concept to spanking? Bondage? Sex?

    I would like to think not, but the mere fact that I find the experience of watching couples play separately so powerful tells me that the issue is far more complex.


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