Not Just Sex

Last night, i was involved in a group discussion thing, whcih i was actually supposed to be leading, and it didn’t go very well.  By the end of it, i felt like a complete failure, and i left without talking to anyone and went home all miserable.

Once i got home, i talked about what had happened, and He listened and gave me some perspective, but i went to bed feeling pretty crappy and couldn’t sleep and had to have an orgasm before i could fall asleep.  It was not very satisfying, but it served as enough of a release that i slept.

But i could have used a spanking, i needed to be spanked – either for doing poorly at the event, or for thinking i did poorly, either way would have worked.  i woke up this morning still feeling fairly miserable, and was able to find some peace around the idea that i just failed to do what i intended to do at the discussion, and it’s ok to fail.

Then i talked to some people and their comments suggested that maybe i hadn’t done an awful job after all, maybe it just played out the way it did cause that’s how it went, and maybe that’s ok.  Maybe it wasn’t actually because i’m a failure.  i have just about pulled myself back out of my self-absorbed bullshit frame of mind where it’s pretty much my fault if it rains on somebody’s picnic.

But a spanking would have cleared my mind more quickly, and maybe more completely.  At least i think it would, maybe i’m kidding myself, but no, i’m pretty sure it would have.

i guess i could have asked him to spank me.

Nope.  No, i couldn’t have.  i would have died of shame first.  Nope.  No way, no how.  When i talk to Him about BDSM these days, i feel ashamed.  i don’t think that’s His fault, but it’s how i feel.


But let’s be clear, i’m not real ok these days.  i think i look like i am.  i don’t think you could tell i’m not.  But really, i’m not so much ok, not really.

Still working on figuring out what i need to do …


16 thoughts on “Not Just Sex

  1. vanillamom

    Maybe you can print your blog post and put it on his desk.

    And don’t I wish I had a potion for you to make YOU see that you are not a failure.

    Have you considered going to an event and being a spankee? Or maybe that might inspire him?

    Just a few thoughts. . And lots of love.


    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks for the suggestions, ‘nilla – you’re right, i need to keep thinking of ways to reach out. We are talking about some of it, and that’s easier for me to do when i write it here first. Thank you. ❤

  2. faithful

    You are definitely not a failure- but that probably doesn’t help just because I/we say it.

    My vote is talk to him. There is no way he will know your angst unless you share your feelings with him.

    BDSM or not, he is still your partner, your Love and he needs to know.

    just my 2 cents in my little corner of the world.


    1. sofia Post author

      FAITHFUL!! How are you? Gosh it’s great to see you!
      And yes, of course you’re right. And i am talking more, truly i am. How are you though????

      1. faithful

        Hi sofia! I am good! D/s is absent from our relationship but we are as closer than ever so for that I am blessed. I always have that ‘hope’ that one day he will return to who he was before that deployment but I can’t/won’t dwell on that either because of the outside circumstances that changed our relationship. We are close to moving one of us to the other’s coast, which will allow us to become a legal family. Keep strong and glad you are talking more to your Sir. Communication is the key!


  3. michelle

    Hugs. Remember you have a whole corner of the internet cheering for you. We all think you’re great! And sometimes things just don’t go well; it’s nobody’s fault. (Though sometimes when I’m depressed, even that makes me feel worse -like I’m not even ignorant enough to make something fail. I’m weird.)

    I agree with ‘nilla – maybe you can get your spanking needs met in other ways?

    Hugs again.

    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Michelle, and you know, the thing is, i really mostly know i’m not a failure, it just FELT like it. And yes, i totally get what you mean about it being worse to not even be important enough to make something fail – totally!
      I guess theoretically i could get my spanking needs met elsewhere. Sigh… i don’t know. Something to keep in the back of my mind, you know?
      Thanks for the support.

  4. Lilli

    It sounds like you need to open up the lines of communication. Does he have any idea how you’re really feeling? If not, why not? Why are you holding back a part of you? I do hope you feel better soon, regardless. (((hugs)))

    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Lilli, yeah, i have talked, maybe not enough, maybe not clearly enough, but there are some complicating factors on his end, so we do this dance where i talk and he reassures me and then nothing changes and i talk some more… and i love him. So i don’t know. i’m talking, i promise.

  5. girl

    Recently I have become obsessed with spanking. I really really REALLY want it. I dream about it, think about it all the time. Obsessed as I said. About a week ago, he initiated sex, during the sex I asked him to spank me. He obliged, enthusiastically. I said something afterward about it being awesome.
    But then… I still wanted it. I dreamed of it. I imagined implements, paddles, a crop, his hand. Sex happened again, and I asked him to spank me again. After he did, after sex that time, I said, that I had been obsessed with it recently. He seemed delighted. Maybe it will happen again?
    I HATE asking. I want him to just know. I want him to just want it.
    It seems to me that for you, it IS more than sex, it’s a way of processing your feelings, a way of comforting yourself, maybe a way of getting to cry. For me, I think it’s about sex and dominance.
    But really, you need to find a way to talk to him, about what you need, or use someone else as an example or… Yeah, I’m great at giving advice that I’m not taking, right?
    I’m fantasizing about other people spanking me now…
    So no, I have no real answers. Just sympathy. Empathy? I don’t know.

    1. sofia Post author

      Dear girl, thank you for sharing that here. i’m pretty good at giving advice that i’m not taking either. Still good advice, just easier said than done. But i’m talking more, i really am.
      i hope it – the spanking – happens again for you – over and over and over. Fingers crossed here…

  6. jadescastle

    You wanted him to be able to reach you where you are at. And while there shouldn’t be any shame in that, there is for me as well, when i am rejected. i understand where you are, but you know that, i believe. Love you. ❤


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