Last night, i was involved in a group discussion thing, whcih i was actually supposed to be leading, and it didn’t go very well. By the end of it, i felt like a complete failure, and i left without talking to anyone and went home all miserable.
Once i got home, i talked about what had happened, and He listened and gave me some perspective, but i went to bed feeling pretty crappy and couldn’t sleep and had to have an orgasm before i could fall asleep. It was not very satisfying, but it served as enough of a release that i slept.
But i could have used a spanking, i needed to be spanked – either for doing poorly at the event, or for thinking i did poorly, either way would have worked. i woke up this morning still feeling fairly miserable, and was able to find some peace around the idea that i just failed to do what i intended to do at the discussion, and it’s ok to fail.
Then i talked to some people and their comments suggested that maybe i hadn’t done an awful job after all, maybe it just played out the way it did cause that’s how it went, and maybe that’s ok. Maybe it wasn’t actually because i’m a failure. i have just about pulled myself back out of my self-absorbed bullshit frame of mind where it’s pretty much my fault if it rains on somebody’s picnic.
But a spanking would have cleared my mind more quickly, and maybe more completely. At least i think it would, maybe i’m kidding myself, but no, i’m pretty sure it would have.
i guess i could have asked him to spank me.
Nope. No, i couldn’t have. i would have died of shame first. Nope. No way, no how. When i talk to Him about BDSM these days, i feel ashamed. i don’t think that’s His fault, but it’s how i feel.
But let’s be clear, i’m not real ok these days. i think i look like i am. i don’t think you could tell i’m not. But really, i’m not so much ok, not really.
Still working on figuring out what i need to do …