It starts with spanking. The desire to be spanked started early for me, and at first i didn’t even question it, didn’t think it was weird. i was 7? 8 or 9? Reading books that involved certain kinds of spanking would turn me on.
Eventually, i figured out that was weird.
And then there was Story of O, and it was not just spanking that turned me on, but all of it. Didn’t matter if it was weird or not.
O being made to sit naked on the seat of the car, and later in a restaurant… O being forced to have sex, over and over. O being beaten.
i began to realize that was warped, that “normal” people didn’t like that. I began to be afraid that those things would happen to me and i wouldn’t like it – in fact, i knew i wouldn’t like it in real life. Well, not all of it.
So i guess the sexual arousal came first. The summer i was 13 or 14, i read The Story of O so many time i about wore the book out. That connection – O being used and orgasms – lasted me through adolescence, early adulthood, and my first marriage. i don’t think i ever had an orgasm without a BDSM fantasy.
It was not always Story of O. There were other books. Some spanking stories, some extreme romances – but always there had to be an element of control. The woman had to have been overpowered in some way.
i remember some of them so vividly – from 40, 45 years ago, they still live in my memory. i remember one where this woman was dressed up and paraded in front of a bunch of men. They lifted her skirt – she was just wearing garters – and exposed her in the back and then in the front. There was lots of fantasy material in that book.
The one where she was going to leave and he caught her, pulled her over his knee and spanked her. The humiliation. The burn as he slapped his hand hard on her ass. Pulling her panties down, turning her bottom red.
Even now, the thought of it heats me up. i can feel myself warm and tingling, sitting here in a coffee shop, writing those words. Getting just a bit wet.
Whatever else i write, i need to remember this is where it begins.
I loved being tied up (or taped up, black electrical tape doncha know) since I was a small child. Before I even knew what sexual arousal was. I too figured out really quickly that most people didn’t have those arousal triggers and to keep my ideas to myself. Made for a crappy sex life, but kept me from being ostracized by my peers.
That’s amazing, isn’t it? I don’t remember getting tied up, but i bet i would have loved it. For sure i did much later.
And it’s sad – that we learned not to express our needs. Sigh…
This sound very familiar and not so different from my own journey. 😉
Hi Lilli – thanks for commenting! Yeah, i think so many of us share this type of story. 🙂
and i was the professional “tied to the stake, tree, whatever princess, cowgirl, settler” when all the neighborhood children would play. To the point it was assumed! And i loved every minute of it.
You and Monkey!! From what i know about rope now, that makes perfect sense!!
The history you write here of your sexuality is so similar to my own. And yes, it’s a good thing to remember that it begins there. You say that’s weird. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Who get to say that someone’s sexual desire is “weird”? No, it doesn’t align well with some of our other roles in life. So what? We are adults, and we get to decide.
You are so right, girl. It feels weird to me now, a little bit, because I’m so far removed from any kind of practice, but it’s not really. It’s not. Thanks.