Too Stubborn

I’ve been having problems with my knee for a while now.  Well, i’ve had trouble with my knee off and on for many years, but lately, since about the end of July, it’s really been bothering me.

You may know that i believe that some pains – chronic kinds of pain – have symbolic power.  For example, i once had tremendous shoulder pain – so bad i could barely raise my arm – that was cured once i realized i didn’t have to carry the weight of the world on my own shoulders.  Seriously.  So when i have shoulder pain, i focus on figuring out what burden i’m carrying that isn’t mine,  and work on letting it go.

Knee pain?  i believe that some knee pain is connected to not being wiling to bend.  Being stubborn.  I have some old injuries, and more recently i had strained it by carrying some heavy things much more than i was used to.  But there was just no good reason for the discomfort to linger like it did.

I had been trying to ignore it, thinking it would go away eventually.  But ~ sitting at my kitchen table ~ i had a sudden flash of insight.  i suddenly realized how many things i’m being stubborn about.  Things that i don’t want to change and need to change.  Reality i need to accept.

i need to practice more effective self-care.  My fantasy of using kink and D/s to help me do the work i do is a fantasy.  Not going to happen.

If i accept that, then i need to accept that my eating habits involve a lot of comfort eating and bingeing to escape feelings i don’t want to sit with.  So i’m telling my clients to sit with their feelings, and not doing it myself.  And i’m noticing that i get triggered more easily  ~ a rush of “not good enough” shame can swamp me in a minute.  Eating my way back out of it is not really helpful.  Not ultimately.

i need to spend less time on the computer and more time moving around.  My job requires some computer time, and lots of sitting, but nearly as much time as i spend doing it.   My knee would feel better after i moved around for a while, but i didn’t take that hint and spend more time moving around.  Nope.  i would sit at my desk, scrolling aimlessly through FB, ruminating on the woes of life, until my knee would get so stiff and sore i could barely stand.  Too stubborn to recognize how much it was bothering me, too stubborn to make a doctor appointment, too stubborn to even take ibuprofen regularly – even though it helped when i did take it!!

Ridiculous.

And i’m too stubborn to decide what i’m supposed to be doing with my own wild and precious life.

Unfocused, i wander from one thing to another until i have 35 dangling possibilities, and then i don’t pursue any of them all the way through.  Sometimes, i think that’s ok, but sometimes i think  that with a bit more whole-hearted pursuit, i could have accomplished something with my life.

i’m watching things that i was interested in years ago, things that no one cared about back then, suddenly blossom and move into acceptance, and i wonder, what would have happened if i’d hung in there, kept working on it?

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
—Mary Oliver

Maybe nothing, maybe that wasn’t where i needed to be.  Who knows?  Too late to find out.  Now people are explaining things to me that i knew about 10 years ago, and no one wants to hear about “back in the day…”

So i move forward, limping on my bad knee, wandering.  Too stubborn to keep telling Sir what i need, not wiling to be more explicit, more clear.  i told him already – he should already know!!  Too stubborn to look for ways to tell him again and again – with love.

i pull away instead, retreat into my hurt, hiding so quietly he barely knows i’m gone.

So, sitting there at the kitchen table, squirming around to try to make  my knee comfortable, i made a mental list of all my stubborn spots, thought about writing this blog post, took some ibuprofen and went to bed.

In the morning, my knee did not hurt anymore.

Yep.  After weeks – probably 6 weeks or more of pretty steady stiff/soreness/swelling.  Didn’t hurt at all.  And really hasn’t since then.  This was at the end of last week, probably 5 days now, free of discomfort.  Without more ibuprofen.

But i think i need to do something about those stubborn spots i found.  Because a couple of days ago, i was standing in the doorway of my walk-in closet, contemplating the absurdity of not having anything to wear with a closet full of clothes, when i turned sideways and suddenly my back hurt!  Lower back.

It doesn’t hurt all the time, just when i sit too long, when i first stand up, it hurts so bad i can barely stand.  Once i move a little bit, it’s ok again.  i’m doing the least i can do to deal with ~ taking ibuprofen sometimes, which works ~ but i think the message is clear.  i need to start making some real change in my life, or i will be all twisted up and unable to stand comfortably.

Grrr, grrrr, grumble, grumble, don’t wanna change, don’t wanna.  i want everyone else to change, please and thank you.

i need to put into words what i want from D/s, and share that with my Sir.  i may practice writing it here, i may use this blog to talk about how i’m going to change… but i think i better start by getting up from this chair and moving a bit first.

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11 thoughts on “Too Stubborn

  1. freeingexcalibur

    I love the writing process. It helps me figure out all the things that sometimes get jumbled up in my head. I, too, believe that those who have tendencies or needs for submission feel with their entire beings. Interesting read. I enjoyed your post.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it, freeing! I like the way you put that – that we “feel with our entire beings.” Yes.

      Writing helps me process too. I guess that’s why I started blogging…

      Thanks for commenting!

      Reply
  2. Little Monkey

    There are parts of this that you could be writing about the inside of my head. Halfway through this I burst into tears. Not sure exactly why, maybe because my knee hurts too. Obviously this hit a nerve and I have some work to do too.

    I do want to gently and lovingly take you to task for one thing though. This…

    “but sometimes i think that with a bit more whole-hearted pursuit, i could have accomplished something with my life”

    I believe that if you have helped one person (and I know you have) you have accomplished something with your life. If you raised a child to be a reasonably functioning adult, you did something with your life. I know a small bit of your history, I KNOW you have done plenty with your life. I’m not suggesting you stop striving to do good, but don’t beat yourself up for not having “accomplished” something with your life. Respectfully, Your perspective is off on this one.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      That’s so interesting, that it affected you that way, LM. Some powerful connection with this apparently (which strikes me as kinda cool – hope that doesn’t sound mean.)

      And yeah. Thanks for the reminder, I have accomplished some things, and I would not let a friend of mine act like she hadn’t accomplished anything either. But it is definitely a “feels like” truth sometimes, you know?

      Thanks for your comment. 🙂

      Reply
  3. vanillamom

    Talk about a mind-body connection. I’ve found that too…that often my “hurting” is really a physical manifestation of a mental struggle. Guess who taught me that, chicka? (really. guess. Go look in the mirror and guess.)

    Trying to be mindful, trying to let go of things I cannot change, and my own (despite my protestations to the contrary of NOT seeking it…) stubborn perfectionism…it’s a constant work.

    nilla

    Reply
  4. abby

    WOW…a post so many ideas here that i was nodding my head on. I have had knee pain for the past couple months also….Master finally ordered me to take the ibupfropen, and it has helped a lot. I also have a fitbit, i use it not only for walking, but it reminds me every hour to get up and move around….that helps the knee to. Stubborn, needind to change some things….those are boats we both ride in….
    hugs….and don’t forget..you have accomplished so much….and have so much more in you…
    hugs abby

    Reply

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