Not Giving Up

So I dance away from the erotic seduction of submission.  Tell myself i will find that joy, that satisfaction through some other means.

Sir is my love, my Master, and for myriad reasons of His own, He is not going to be my Dom.   i love Him.  {I know ~ i know ~ i’ve told you all this before… no news here.}  i won’t leave Him.  i have to learn to live this life.

Sometimes, when we talk about it, i think that He’s going to start again.  i think that He wants it enough to make it work somehow, despite the myriad reasons.  And my heart swells with excitement, i can’t help it.  i begin to wait, watching for the sign that it will happen soon.

And time passes.  And passes.  And i sink into the heartbreak again, knowing it’s not going to happen now either.  Not now.  Not now.  Not now.

i am sad.  And fat.  And lazy.  Tears in my eyes, driving down the road, tearing up for no good reason.  i eat for comfort, eating past pleasure into numb.  i don’t drink anymore, i think it was too tempting to slide into that black hole.   i don’t shave my pussy ~ and barely epilady my legs.  Who would care?  i don’t exercise.  It takes a lot of energy just to do the dishes and make the bed.  Even masturbating seems like a lot of effort for not much pay-off.

AND

i’m perfectly happy.  Work is good, super good really.  Financially, i’m solid {shhhh, don’t let any of the appliances hear me say that!}   My daughter and grandkids will be here for a visit soon and i’m super excited about that.  ‘Nilla came to visit – YES, that ‘Nilla, and we had a wonderful time!!  Sir is good ~ he’s supportive and loving and fun to be with.

Yes, i’m good, thank you very much.

Very good ~ and miserable too ~ not quite at the same time, but from moment to moment, shifting with the wind.

Fiona suggested a book for me ~ i think it was fiona, she can correct me if i’m wrong.   Brie Learns the Art of Submission.    It is soooo fabulous.  It reminded me ~~

Submission isn’t something i do.  Not something i just choose to do or not do.  It’s who i am.

In the book, there’s this one part where Brie is explaining how she feels about wanting to please the Master she’s working with in a training session.    And the person she’s explaining it to says, casually, “Of course you feel that way, you’re submissive,” and goes on to tell her what’s expected of her beyond that.

i almost cried when i read that.  i had just about forgotten that feeling, the let-me-please-you feeling.

Then there was rope ~ in the book ~ and Brie experiences submission through being constrained, and being suspended, and  i thought, even if someone wanted to do rope with me, which no one does, it wouldn’t look the way i would want it too and i’m getting too old and stiff.

i can’t let myself lose this.  i can’t, i won’t.

Ok.

So yeah, i don’t know exactly what i’m going to do yet.   Well, i know some things.  i’m going to exercise.  i’m going to lose weight.  i’m going to shave again.  i’m going to blog again.  i’m going to masturbate enough to keep from drying up and blowing away like ashes.  {i can talk about that on a sex blog, right?  Masturbating?  Ok, whew, i thought so.}  i’m going to start going to therapy again.  And i’m going to keep talking to Sir.

It starts today.  Right now.  Submissive sofia will serve again…

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12 thoughts on “Not Giving Up

  1. jadescastle

    This brought tears to my eyes, first of complete understanding…thinking, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
    And ” “Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.”

    i also understand the ruthless determination to hang on to who you are, and all i can offer you is to seek contentment and gratitude, which you already do. i understand. It’s like suddenly realizing you are drowning, have been drowning, and the wild flight you take back up through the waves. You realize you will do anything to survive and not kill that part of you off to do it.

    And if that looks like eating til numb some days, i have to forgive myself. And then i have to do something. No one could ever call you fat, btw.

    Anyhow, i’m holding you in the light, sitting with you underwater, believing in you. You can always call me, but i know you know that. 🙂

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Jade, i so appreciate that you “get it,” and your offer of support.

      Yeah, i can call me fat – pretty sure that’s the fact of the matter – weigh more than i did when i was pregnant. MORE. A lot more!! Ugh. But it’s ok. i’m trying to just look at it as a fact, not a personal failing.

      Thank you for the light – glad you’re hanging out with me too. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Jim

    Your notes always resonate with me in that I believe you feel like my submissive feels at times. We live in a 24/7 household but I hear her when she says she needs more…My problem is that I’m not sure what “more” is. I know it is not more bondage or playtime…we do that stuff. It is something else…can you define it?

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      What a great question! But – is your submissive not able to verbalize what “more” she needs? Obviously, asking her is the best way to find out. But –

      For me, if i were getting bondage and playtime, it would be things that make me feel i can let go of my control (although bondage and playtime both do that.) Sitting at his feet. Having to ask permission for something. Or maybe serving more. Cock worship. Foot rubs. Lots of fun possibilities…

      Yeah. Maybe some of those things…

      Reply
  3. michelle

    Ah, sofia. I read your posts, and my heart always aches for you. In part because I so totally understand your AND – though the situations are completely different, it is exactly how i feel. And partly because I feel the yearning in your posts, and so want you too be happy.
    Your gentle spirit practically leaps off these pages. I look forward to your blogging again.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Michelle – sorry you have the same feelings though! i really appreciate the kind words and good wishes in your comment. Hoping things become more of what you want and need too!

      Reply
  4. abby

    Ah Sofia, you write with such passion, such feeling. Maybe writing could be an outlet for some of your feelings. Sounds like you have been through a period of mourning…and are ready to start again. Good luck…..let your sun shine brightly….may you find contentment.
    hugs abby

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, Abby. I agree, I think writing will be an outlet and will keep me in touch with the feelings – at least that’s my hope. Thanks for the kind wishes…

      Reply
  5. LadyP

    Dear Sofia
    I had a feeling that “normal life” had taken over and that was why you posted so rarely. I love your blog posts – they make me think and sometimes inspires me. Often I recógnize myself in your writing. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. Building up your own business takes a lot of time and energy. Building a new relationship too. You’re coming back, taking charge of what’s needed. For you. That’s all good.
    In a way I think it’s healthier to feel the need to serve in yourself rather than serving because a master demands it from you. But the craving and longing is to let go and that He takes control. I recognize that and feel it in my own life with Mylord. I will never leave Him – I have loved Him too long and hope to die in His arms. Even though my submissive needs and longings are only met occasionally. I too hope for more – more structure, more rules, more sex – and sometimes he says something that makes me think he is going to give that, but then it fades away…
    I’ll follow you here and think of your struggles with being what you are and doing what you know is better for you. Know that I am also in that proces..
    LadyP

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks Lady P, as always I appreciate your insight. Sorry you’re in a similar place… glad i’m in good company. ❤

      Reply
  6. Jz

    I keep circling around on this, wanting to say something but unsure what exactly it might be…
    Like everyone, I want to see you happy – and I hate that this one segment of happiness is so difficult for you. But as you know, my submission expresses itself in a very different way than yours, so I value the loving relationship far more than the outlet for my nature. (Perhaps I should be “A Romantic Bitch”? .. and doesn’t that sound absurd applied to me!?!)
    So it’s true that I have a hard time fully appreciating the balancing act you’re trying to achieve.

    Yett I don’t want to seem dismissive of your wants/needs/desires, because that is not what’s going on…
    And I want you happy, did I mention…?

    So now I’m every bit as conflicted as you are!
    (Will that do as a basis for sympathetic commisseration?)

    Yy

    Reply

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