Monthly Archives: January 2015

What to Look For in a Dom/Master

I really like this post – it’s like the ultimate fantasy Master described. Worth reading.

Cautiously

So Sir and i have been talking, and i am cautiously hopeful.

He is my Dominant.  i know that He is.  i don’t know why He hasn’t been acting like it, but i think maybe, possibly, we’re heading toward some new understanding.

Cautiously optimistic…

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January 9, 2015

Unknown“I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

Ridiculous!

So i had this really neat idea recently about a way to pull together information on cool things people are doing in the community.  Things they’re excited about.  It might be designed mostly for other folks interested in mental health stuff.  Or maybe for social justice activists.  Or maybe both.

Wouldn’t that be neat?  A place you could just pop in and say, “O, hey, i just started doing this new kind of therapy, and here’s what i like about it.  Is anyone else out there already doing this?”  Or “i went to this great workshop on conflict resolution and wanted to share what I learned there.”   Or ~ well, you get the idea.  Or you could just pop by and see what interesting things people are doing.

I really want to do it. i don’t think it’s a Facebook thing, it might be Pinterest or some kind of website though.  I don’t know.  But every time i start to think seriously about researching the best way to do it, i have to remind myself ~~

i have THREE PROJECTS i need to be working on RIGHT NOW.

AND

i have a whole list of other things half-completed, on the back burner.

Seriously.  Three projects, not counting the usual stuff i do.  And a list of things i should have already finished.

So, given an unexpected free hour today, what do i do?  Work on one of the projects?  Go ahead and research the community page idea?  Try to organize my back burner lists so i can at least see what-all is there?

No.  None of those things.

i come here and write this blog post ABOUT it all.  Sitting here in a coffee shop, almost laughing out loud.  Ridiculous.

Isn’t somebody in charge of me?  Giggling….smh.

My Answers to A Kind Dom’s Test…

A few days ago, i printed the questions that A Kind Dom (Pygar/Beau) had posted.  I sent my answers to him and he gave me feedback and graded them, which was very nice.  I’ll post his feedback in another post if you’re interested, but in the meantime, here are my answers:

BDSM 101

End of Semester examination paper
Answer all questions
Time allowed: 90 minutes
Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.

SSC – Safe, sane and consensual –

RACK Risk Aware Consensual Kink

b) Why are they important?
They’re important because they’re (part of) the guiding principals that help keep BDSM safe.

c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?

One advantage of SSC is that is focuses clearly on safety.as an expectation. This may increase the likelihood that people will consider this aspect carefully before getting involved in some activity. Sane sounds good too, suggesting that you understand what you’re doing and are able to make decisions in your own best interests.

It’s also a disadvantage – some of the things we do are just not “safe” by vanilla standards, so someone may not engage in activities that would be wonderful because they’re not “safe” enough. In the same way, it could be argued that many of the things we do are essentially not “sane.” Besides, defining ‘sane” is not always easy – does that mean that someone who’s bipolar can’t participate? Does it just mean some kind of common sense? It’s not clear.

The advantage of RACK is that it is arguably more realistic – it recognizes that there is an element of risk in some of the activities we engage in, but suggests that you simply need to be aware of the risks before consenting to it. It doesn’t try to define what someone can or can’t do, simply leaves it up to the individual’s informed consent.

The disadvantage is that it may not put enough emphasis on safety – it raises the question, are some activities so risky that you really couldn’t fully grasp the risks and agree to it? Or could you agree to anything?

d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

I favor RACK. I think SSC is too open to interpretation and defining “safe” and “sane” are not so easy. I prefer the idea of “informed consent” as recognizing inherent risk and providing choice.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

Well, I was married to a man who was Dominant, but he began to drink a lot and want to play after he’d been drinking. I could no longer trust him to be aware of what was going on with me, and sometimes he hurt me in ways that he didn’t even intend to. When I realized what was going on, we talked about it, but he was angry with me and talking about it wasn’t very helpful. When I realized that he couldn’t limit his drinking, or make safe decisions when we were playing, i quit being willing to scene with him, and we ended up getting divorced.
3. Overheard at a munch. “In the end it is all about sex isn’t it?” What do you think he meant? Was he right?

I think he meant that the real purpose of BDSM – the D/s and the M/s and the serving and boot-blacking and so on – are really just intended to lead to great sex – that ultimately it comes back to that. And maybe that we do these things because they are sexually arousing, ultimately.

I’m not sure if I agree or not. Sex is such a powerful force that really, maybe it’s at the heart of everything we do. On the other hand, i think that the desire to serve, for example, or the desire to be a good master, may transcend that – or at least it transcends “sex” in the sense of genital contact between people for orgasmic pleasure. If we think of sex as a driving life force, then yeah, it probably is all about sex.

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Fascinating question! Legally, I have no idea what they “should” do, but I don’t think they should arrest and charge him. If she’s admitting, at the time she goes to them, that she consented at the time, but that the consent is not valid because of her mental illness, I don’t think she has a case.

In order for her to not be able to consent, she would have to have already been found incompetent and be under the care of a guardian. Even if she’s on disability and has a payee, that’s not the same as being found incompetent in a court of law to make personal decisions. If she were stating that he had coerced her into consenting, that might be reason to charge him, but even then it’s going to be a super weak case. As much as I like the idea of RACK, I don’t think there’s a legal obligation for informed consent for beatings.

I think the police might have to arrest him or notify him that charges have been filed, but I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.
Section B

Write a haiku about pain.
His hands so gentle sweet
caress and stroke the skin ~
broken by the whip

2. Complete this paragraph, “I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because … The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

I am a submissive because i strongly desire a relationship with a man who can lead and guide me. Sexually, i enjoy “bottoming,” and have a spanking fetish, but a big part of my pleasure comes from pleasing my partner. i like to obey. i am deeply committed to serving others, and this is also an aspect of my career. Even in “leadership” roles, i tend to be a “servant leader.” i have always wanted to “belong to” someone, to give myself to someone who would care for and value me, at least in part, because of my submissive nature.
3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

“Bend over,” he says.

“But – Sir – please – i didn’t mean…”

“Sara.” His voice is stern.

“Yes, Sir, yes, i am,” and i bend at the waist so my torso is bent over the arm of the chair.

I feel his hands lifting my skirt. Sliding panties over my ass, down my thighs, letting them pool around my ankles. “Step out,” he says, tapping the inside of my thighs.

Careful in my heels, i lift one foot at a time, put each one back down as far apart as i can.

His hand, probing between my legs, make me gasp. “Wet,” he says, “I knew you would be. Such a slut.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, “i am, Sir.”

“How many licks?” He says.

“Ten, Sir.” i am quick to respond, i have learned that trying to delay the inevitable doesn’t work out well.

“And what is this for?”

i turn my head so my voice won’t be muffled in the chair. i don’t want him to have to repeat it. “For disobeying, Sir.”

“That’s right. You will count and thank me. Let’s practice that once.”

i hear the swish, but before i am ready, it lands, sharp and stinging, right in the middle of my cheeks.

“One, Sir, thank you, Sir,” i say. It always makes me want to giggle the first time i say it.

“Good,” he says. “Now we begin. This will be one.”

By the third lick of the switch, i no longer have an urge to giggle.

The blow lands in a different place each time, but by five, they are criss-crossing, and i am struggling to stay in position.

At eight, whimpering, tears welling up, i put my hands behind me, trying to cover my ass. “Eight, thank you, Sir,” i say, but my hands are in the way.

“Move your hands,” he says. “That will be one extra. Do I need to restrain you?””

“Yes, Sir, please,” i say, i am sure i can’t keep my hands out of the way for two more – no three more, right? Two more or three more?

“Put your hands on your neck,” he says, and quickly he cuffs them together. i cannot protect myself now

The next lick lands on that tender spot between butt and thighs. “NINE!” i call out, “Nine, thank you, Sir,” gasping with pain.

“You’re not accepting this,” he says. “You’re fighting it. Two more, and I want you to welcome them. Open yourself to me and appreciate that I care enough to punish you. Let the pain remind you not to disobey again, to take care of what belongs to me.”

His words touch something deep inside me, and i feel it – what he wants – i feel my heart open and my body softens. ‘

The next one lands and it hurts, it hurts more than any of the others, but i let it roll though me, over me, take me to that deeper place where all that matters is what he wants. My voice is different this time when i say it, “Ten, thank you, Sir.”

“One more,” he says, “And this time I want you to ask me for it.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, and the words come easily, “One more, please, Sir.”

It lands, and omg, it hurts, hurts, hurts, but through the pain, i feel love and gratitude, so the words come easy, “Eleven, Sir, thank you, Sir.”

He unfastens my hands then. i wait.

“Come here,” he says, and his arms wrap around me, pulling me up, turns me to face him. i wrap myself around him, melting into him, feeling waves of love.

“Don’t do that again,” he says. “Next time I tell you to make your doctor appointment for an annual check-up, do it. Clear? You are to take care of my property.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say. i am smiling, just a hint of a smile, but smiling. i know that now he is finished punishing me, he will let me kneel before him and use my mouth to please him. i am eager to do that.

The Meeting – Part IV

Sylvia waits silently, eyes down, as the server arranges their food on the table.  With a cheery, “Enjoy!” she’s gone and Sylvia waits for Daniel to react to her failure.

But “Tell me your thoughts,” he says.

She hangs her head then, food ignored.  “Well, you told me to leave my hand on the table, and I didn’t, so I feel bad about that.”

He nods.  “Of course you do,” he says.  She looks up, he’s smiling.  “Submissive girls always feel bad when they fail to obey.  If I were your Dom, I would punish you and then you’d feel better.”

Sylvia is overwhelmed with feelings ~ he’d punish her?  That should sound horrible, but instead her heart pounds and her face gets warm, her pussy clenches and a shudder runs through her.  Now she’s really shocked with herself ~ does she want him to punish her?  Sure, she’s read about that before, and maybe it makes her a little bit hot, but really?  In real life?  Does she, a grown woman, want to be punished?

“What ~ what would you do?” she says.

“For something like that?” he asks, “Like moving your hand away when I told you not to?”

She nods.

He shakes his head, “Some simple correction.  Nothing dramatic or harsh.  You didn’t mean to disobey, you were just reacting to your own impulse.  I would probably have you put your hand back on the table ~ in fact, go ahead and do that now.  Put your hand back where it belongs.  Make sure your legs are open too.”

Quickly, she puts her hand, open and relaxed, on the table, uncrosses her ankles and spreads her legs.  She is relieved that he’s not angry, and eager to show him her desire to do this right.

“Good girl,” he says, and her pussy throbs.  “Then I would ~ well, I might have you leave that hand there for part of the meal, you would only be able to eat with your other hand.  Or I might have you say something ~ like, ‘I will obey my Master at all times.”  Or maybe make you write lines later.”

“Write lines?”  Sylvia is so hot now she can’t believe it.  The thought of going to the bathroom and touching herself til she cums ~ just to relieve this tension ~ flashes through her mind, but she pushes that away, she is more interested in what Daniel is saying.

“Writing lines ~ you know, like in school.  Write 25 times, “I’m sorry for disobeying, I will do better,’ or something like that.  But I won’t do that now.  I like that your hand is still on the table though.  You are a good girl.”

Again ~ that warm rush of pleasure, joy really, rushes over her.  He is not angry or disappointed in her.

“You’re not expected to be perfect, you know,” he says, and she smiles.  “Now, ask my permission to move your hand off the table.”

She swallows hard ~ really, she’s going to ask for permission to move her hand?  Yes, of course she is, and happily.  “Sir, may I move my hand off the table, please?”

“Yes,” he nods solemnly, “Yes, you may.  But keep your legs open, please.  Now, eat your food.”    He waits til she has taken a bite.  “Is it good?”

She nods, embarrassed because her mouth is full.

He grins, “Isn’t that supposed to be ‘yes, Sir?'”

But by then she has chewed enough that she can say it, and she does, “Yes, Sir,” with some enthusiasm since it really is delicious.

While they’re eating, he talks about mundane things ~ his work, the last book he read.  He asks her about her experiences, and she relaxes.  This is more like most of the conversations they’ve had on-line ~ mostly “vanilla,” as they say, just getting to know each other, with the “other stuff” thrown in from time to time.  He’s funny and interesting and he seems to think she’s funny and interesting too.

Half-way through the salad she is full.  He nods to her plate, “Box?” he asks, and she nods, suddenly realizing the meal is over, the meeting will be too, all too quickly.

“More tea?” he asks, and she nods, “Oh, yes, please.  Sir.”  Delighted that they are not finished yet.

The server clears the table, brings more hot water.  Silently, they watch her box the salad.  Then ~

“So,” he says, “Hand back on the table, please.”

Again, that rush of warmth through her body, from her face to her pussy.  It is as if she’s come back to full life ~ or gone from black-and-white to color.  “Yes, Sir,” she says, placing her hand where it had been before.

He smiles, “Good girl,” then “You were telling me before what it was like for you, when you were reading about spankings and masters and slaves and so on, what did that feel like for you?”

She hesitates, so overwhelmed with what she’s feeling right now that she can’t think about anything else.  She needs to think, what can she say ~ “Oh, um, I ~ um,” and then, “I need to ~ you know, bathroom…”  She had not realized how much she needed to go until the words come out of her mouth.

He nods, “Of course you may go.”  He pauses, leans forward a bit, “but no touching yourself more than necessary.  Is that clear?”

“Oh!  Yes, no, no, Sir, i won’t,” she says, horrified that he’s telling her this, did he know that she had thought about it and how could he know that?

“Ok, then, off with you.  This will give you time to think back too.  What did it feel like when you first read about masters spanking their slaves, telling their slaves what to do?”

Sylvia stands, and mumbling, “Yes, Sir, I will, Sir,” flees to the bathroom..

BDSM 101 (from A Kind Dom)

Pygar at A Kind Dom posted this on his blog and invited us to share it.  I’ll have to either find 90 minutes to take it, or maybe break it up in sections and limit the total to 90 minutes?  Thought you might enjoy it too.  I’ll post my answers once I’ve sent them away to be assessed and graded.  {Yes, i love being graded…}

If you would like to have a go at this perhaps you might like to copy it into the comments section or onto your own blog. I would be very pleased to have responses emailed to me (at beaudejournee@yahoo.co.uk please.) I will try to reply to any that I receive (with assessment and grading of course!)
Good luck
 
BDSM 101
End of Semester examination paper
Answer all questions
Time allowed: 90 minutes

Section A

1. RACK or SSC?
a) What do these acronyms mean? Explain in detail.
b) Why are they important?
c) What are the advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses of each?
d) Which do you adhere to? Justify your decision.

2. Trust is key to any BDSM relationship. Give an example from your own experience of where trust has broken down and describe the consequences.

3. Overheard at a munch. “In the end it is all about sex isn’t it?” What do you think he meant? Was he right?

4. Sarah and James were in a close BDSM relationship for 5 years. Sarah suffered from bipolar disorder which was mostly controlled through medication. Before meeting James, Sarah used to self-harm, often through cutting herself. Whilst in the BDSM relationship with James she no longer felt a need to do this. Their BDSM play was somewhat extreme. It involved needle play, stress bondage positions and heavy beatings including use of a whip. Eventually the relationship broke down. Some months later Sarah went to a police station with her lawyer. She claimed she had been restrained, whipped and beaten by James and although she acquiesced at the time, that because of her mental condition she was unable to give informed consent. She showed photographs of scars on her back and breasts. How should the police respond?

Section B

1. Write a haiku about pain.

2. Complete this paragraph, “I am a submissive/switch/dominant (delete as appropriate) because … The final paragraph should contain EXACTLY 100 words.

3. Write a short story or poem that illustrates the sensuality of submission.

P.S. Yes, i know i have The Meeting yet to finish, and i didn’t finish Lady Elsa’s questions either.  But this is super interesting!!