Thinking it Through

Sir and i are still having conversations and dipping our toes in the D/s dynamic again, so all is well there.  But after reading Lee Harrington’s interesting post about Alpha Subs and Type A Service, i began to wonder — is Sir not more actively dominant all the time because he is happy with what i bring to our relationship already?

Then i read faerie’s* heartbreaking post about the recent conflict between her and Musicman.  In the process of the argument, Musicman says that he would rather she leave (after 30 years together) and let him live his life with his kids and grandkids.  When i see that, of course my heart aches for faerie.  But i also thought it was nonsense.

With kids and grandkids living in the house, i am 100 percent sure that some of the reason Musicman can enjoy them is because faerie is putting a whole bunch of effort into making things work.  Even if the effort she’s expending is directed to making the kids be more responsible, or trying to not end up doing all the actual work herself, i know that her efforts are part of whatever makes the situation successful.  And if Musicman doesn’t realize that, it is because of his own blindness.  Actually, i think he’s probably just overwhelmed with everything going on and doesn’t have the energy he needs for the relationship, but that’s none of my business anyhow.

it did make me realize that Sir is really appreciative of the things that i bring to our relationship.  i don’t want to sound – i dunno, like i’m bragging?  But really, His life has changed in a bunch of ways due to us being together, and He likes it.  And He lets me know He likes it.

Most of the difference is not because i’m doing anything specifically submissive.  Or not what i think of as submissive, not what i see as part of my submission.  It’s just not.  So, for example, His family is always welcome in our home.  They just are.  So is my family, for that matter, and His friends and my friends too.  i am an open house kind of person – even though i’m an introvert and sometimes also need them to all leave.

I may have been bitching recently to friends about doing all the work at some events, and i can get resentful if i’m not careful.  But i believe it’s up to me to do something about it (like ask for help when i want it) rather than just bitching.  Anyhow.  That’s a different topic.

My point is that Sir is happy with me.  He likes most of the things i do and the way i do them and He’ll support me in just about any way i need Him to.  Seriously.

i can remember recognizing and bemoaning the fact that my first husband did not appreciate the gifts i had to offer.  Not “appreciate” in the sense of “be grateful for,”  but appreciate like we enjoy a good meal or a fine wine.  If you like White Zinfandel, and you’re being served a French Merlot Reserve, even if it’s aged to perfection, you may be less than thrilled.  Doesn’t mean it’s not good wine, you don’t appreciate the goodness of it because it’s not to your taste.

So i’m an understanding, compassionate wife, mother, and step-mother.   i can calm the waters of just about any storm.  i’m passionate about social justice.  i love to read and learn things.  And i’m a casual to indifferent cook and housekeeper.  Guess what my first ex wanted?  Yep.  Fortunately, after we divorced, he found someone else who was good at the things he valued, and is living the dream in his own way.

Second husband, the story is much shorter – and involves lots of alcohol on his part – but by the end of our three years together, he didn’t want anything i had to offer.  Wouldn’t eat food i’d fixed.  Wouldn’t touch me.  Pretty much wasn’t speaking to me.  Didn’t take any of the books or other gifts i’d given him when he left.  i didn’t care much by then anyhow, but it was some ultimate way of saying, .”i don’t want any part of you.”

So here i am — in a relationship with someone who appreciates and enjoys me exactly the way i am.   And isn’t hesitant about telling me how pleased and appreciative He is.

And i’m all frustrated because He’s not controlling me more or telling me to “do things.”


Ok, that doesn’t mean i’m wrong about wanting more D/s in our relationship.  i do need that because it supports and feeds who i am.   But i think i need to be careful to appreciate what i have.  What He brings to my life.

And i need to be more willing to risk asking for what i want.  i need to work on being more of who i am.  That supports Him being more of who He is, and i need to trust that this will be good for both of us.

Yeah.  And i need to be sure that i appreciate Him for not wanting me to be someone i’m not, for not controlling me in ways that would stifle me or make my life more difficult than it needs to be.   i think that now that we’re talking about our relationship, this will be easier to do.

* – sorry, couldn’t figure out how to do the link on my ipad…


4 thoughts on “Thinking it Through

  1. Jz

    “But i think i need to be careful to appreciate what i have. What He brings to my life.”
    This is a trap we all fall into so easily, isn’t it? It’s like the human brain is wired somehow to notice the lacks a lot more than the haves.
    Unless you’re on the outside, looking in. Then you see a more balanced picture (and wonder why the heck this person is fretting so much.)
    It’s so hard to step outside our own perspective but it really is important to do once in a while.
    Why do we find that so hard to remember, do you suppose?


  2. jadescastle

    i’m far on the other side of the continuum, sometimes maybe too focused on what i do have and expressing gratitude. Sir Raven sometimes thinks so, when we are in bed and i thank her for some random thing. “Go to sleep, jade” she will say. Heh. There seems to be a needed balance between glossing over unmet needs (and sometimes wants)….and actively looking for all of the great things your partner brings to you and your life together. i think it’s just as easy to look for the good as it is to look for behaviors we don’t like. It’s just a matter of focus and retraining our brains. i’m good at that part but don’t have the balance down pat.


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