How Do i See Myself?

So i’m taking the list that i posted yesterday and trying to see how i look in those areas.  i like the list because i think it identifies qualities that are important, but that aren’t one-dimensional.  So, for example, some Dominants might like a submissive who has a slightly sassy attitude and lots of exuberant energy, while another may want one who’s like a calm pond.  Neither is wrong, just different.

Attitude – I tend to be calm and non-confrontational.  When i do confront people, i am usually fairly diplomatic about it.  i can definitely see other people’s viewpoint.  When i was younger, i sometimes lost my own perspective, i was so busy “understanding” every one else.  i do that less now.

Obedience – i don’t know about this one.  Sir doesn’t really tell me to do a lot of things, and i can’t think of a time that he’s told me to do something i really disagreed with.  We did have a disagreement on something, and i was willing to abide by what i thought was his preference, but then it turned out it was a misunderstanding instead of a disagreement.  i can make a list of things that i can’t imagine obeying him about if i really thought he was wrong – my daughter, my job – things like that.  But i don’t think he’d expect me to do something i really disagreed with in those areas, and he trusts my judgment.  So – i dunno.

Warmth – Yep, i got warmth.  Emotional expressiveness, affectionate, welcoming.  Really.  Not bragging, this is a strength for me.

Trustworthy- i think i’m trustworthy.  i don’t think i’d use some vulnerability of his against him, just can’t see it.

Dependence – i don’t know that i do very well in this area, for a submissive.  i’m fairly independent – well, i can be real independent, one of the things i like about D/s is that it requires less independence.  But i think that in the time that we have been less engaged in D/s, i have stepped back and increased my tendency to not lean on Him and to not ask for support.  i was taught to see that as a strength – and it can be – but it’s probably not so helpful a trait for a submissive with her Dom.

Understanding – i get that He’s not perfect and i don’t think i expect Him to be, although i do have to check myself sometimes.  i don’t bring up past problems ~ well, not unless i really think we’re doing the exact same thing now, and then i probably would.

Awareness – i don’t know if i really know what it means to be in a D/s relationship, but i know it’s what i want.  i’ve spent a long time trying to find that relationship.

Adaptability – The list says:  “A submissive needs to be able to adapt to a new home and community, to recognize there will be changes.”  And i think, oh, i haven’t had to do that, i don’t know if i could do that… ”  But really, i have done that.   He moved into my house, but his belongings have become part of the decor.  We’re building a second closet in the bedroom for his clothes.   His family – 3 adult children and 5 grandchildren – have become part of my family.  His grandson spends some weekends with us.  Holidays and birthdays include them too.  Maybe i’m more adaptable than i realize…

Commitment – i’m still here, still working on it.

Selfishness –  The list says:  “She has an obligation to her master to make sure her own needs are being met….  There are times she has to make it known she wants attention; she can’t always depend on her master to figure it out by himself.”   This is, um, one of my flaws.  Even when i think it’s not, it is.  So i’ll have a long conversation with myself about out relationship ~ and it can go on for days ~ and then out loud, i’ll say something like, “Don’t you think maybe we need to talk about our relationship?” and think that i’ve shared my thoughts.   Ok, maybe that’s exaggerating just a bit, but it’s not too far off.  Then we talk a little bit, but i’m all cautious and worried about hurting his feelings and such.  Then nothing changes and i’m disappointed.

So.  i might have done something recently that changes that scenario.  For one, i finally got really clear about how much i need D/s.  i know, i know, youall told me to a long time ago.  And i thought i had.  Truly.  But this time i put it in writing, in an email to Him.  A couple of emails, actually.

And i haven’t let it go.  We’ve agreed to not just talk once, but to keep talking until we know what we’re doing.  It’s different this time because – before, i think that He thought He was supposed to know what to do to fix things.   Now, we’re going to just talk about what we want first.  What we think might work for us.

So ok, yes, all you “talk to him, talk to him,” people were right.  Who knew?  Being a little less worried about his feelings, and a little more clear about where i stood and how i felt apparently helped.  Moving forward…


12 thoughts on “How Do i See Myself?

  1. vanillamom

    Sometimes –twisting round and round in the vast whirlpool of feelings gives you time to know (to assess?) what is really important and is the beginning of your framework for conversation. And a topic as deep and diverse as D/s and how your relationship works in that dynamic? That’s a BIG GIANT topic. Good for you, finding a way to express it (I’m a big fan of writing it down, too!)..that way the conversation leaves your head, you can go back and review it, and it takes the emotional element and puts it on the back burner. Then you’re more apt to work on the issues rather than the feelings part. (does that make sense?). Good job for sure, that you’ve both come this far. It all helps to make things more solid, you know? The “we’ve been through hell and survived and look what lovely things have come from it” syndrome. M and I have certainly been there a time or two…


    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, ‘nilla, you’re so right, taking that step back to think is super helpful! And knowing that other people go through these phases helps too… ❤

  2. jadescastle

    We share a lot of the same traits and that is why i’m going to say a few things. It may or may not be helpful, but it’s meant to be. Sir Raven said that one reason she doesn’t act is because when i think i’m talking to her and telling her something is important to me, i say it just “in passing” (her phrase). i thought, well, how could that be? i’m a writer and i’m not ambiguous there. In person, though, i’m so careful to not sound upset or confrontational that i’m not ringing the five alarm bell. She needs concrete language at these times, she said. Something that lets her know this isn’t a passing concern and that i need her to do something.

    Also, i think that if we are naturally good at perspective taking, not only do we sometimes have to fish to figure out our own feelings but to express them. What i notice about myself is that my language is different and i don’t always express how well i can see the pov of everyone around me but i still can. i still can disagree with someone and see where they are coming from most of the time. i just don’t always say that. And when i know someone is tired (even if that goes on for weeks) or stressed or whatever, i naturally realign my own interests and expression of my needs becomes less and less. i don’t know if that is true for you. i think you are better at boundaries than i am in a lot of ways. One thing about M/s though is that is sort of cuts to the heart of who you are, without having so much access to learned skills. Or it does for me. i hope this makes sense. i’m on my first cup of coffee. 😀

    1. sofia Post author

      It does make sense, Jade, thanks. i think a lot of what you say applies to me too, and has had an impact on how i manage my relationship with Sir. He has been busy and tired and stressed and has had some health issues, so i have been waiting on the back burner. And commenting — waving – “hey, i’m back here – hey – over here,” while he says, “Oh, right, I see you!” and waves back.

      But at some point, I guess, i need to say “Hey, leaving the kink on the back burner isn’t working for me. We need to do something different.” Yeah…

      Thanks, jade! ❤

  3. a sub's missives

    These are great points to assess ourselves on. I especially relate to what you said under attitude regarding losing your own views because you’re too busy “understanding” everyone else’s….

    So I’ve never heard of assessing how much D/s you need in your life. Thank you for sharing that notion. i’m going to think about that…

    1. sofia Post author

      Lol, Wordwytch, i’d say taking the spanking would be the easy part; starting the conversation and jumping past our own shadows are much harder! Thanks!


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