So i’m taking the list that i posted yesterday and trying to see how i look in those areas. i like the list because i think it identifies qualities that are important, but that aren’t one-dimensional. So, for example, some Dominants might like a submissive who has a slightly sassy attitude and lots of exuberant energy, while another may want one who’s like a calm pond. Neither is wrong, just different.
Attitude – I tend to be calm and non-confrontational. When i do confront people, i am usually fairly diplomatic about it. i can definitely see other people’s viewpoint. When i was younger, i sometimes lost my own perspective, i was so busy “understanding” every one else. i do that less now.
Obedience – i don’t know about this one. Sir doesn’t really tell me to do a lot of things, and i can’t think of a time that he’s told me to do something i really disagreed with. We did have a disagreement on something, and i was willing to abide by what i thought was his preference, but then it turned out it was a misunderstanding instead of a disagreement. i can make a list of things that i can’t imagine obeying him about if i really thought he was wrong – my daughter, my job – things like that. But i don’t think he’d expect me to do something i really disagreed with in those areas, and he trusts my judgment. So – i dunno.
Warmth – Yep, i got warmth. Emotional expressiveness, affectionate, welcoming. Really. Not bragging, this is a strength for me.
Trustworthy- i think i’m trustworthy. i don’t think i’d use some vulnerability of his against him, just can’t see it.
Dependence – i don’t know that i do very well in this area, for a submissive. i’m fairly independent – well, i can be real independent, one of the things i like about D/s is that it requires less independence. But i think that in the time that we have been less engaged in D/s, i have stepped back and increased my tendency to not lean on Him and to not ask for support. i was taught to see that as a strength – and it can be – but it’s probably not so helpful a trait for a submissive with her Dom.
Understanding – i get that He’s not perfect and i don’t think i expect Him to be, although i do have to check myself sometimes. i don’t bring up past problems ~ well, not unless i really think we’re doing the exact same thing now, and then i probably would.
Awareness – i don’t know if i really know what it means to be in a D/s relationship, but i know it’s what i want. i’ve spent a long time trying to find that relationship.
Adaptability – The list says: “A submissive needs to be able to adapt to a new home and community, to recognize there will be changes.” And i think, oh, i haven’t had to do that, i don’t know if i could do that… ” But really, i have done that. He moved into my house, but his belongings have become part of the decor. We’re building a second closet in the bedroom for his clothes. His family – 3 adult children and 5 grandchildren – have become part of my family. His grandson spends some weekends with us. Holidays and birthdays include them too. Maybe i’m more adaptable than i realize…
Commitment – i’m still here, still working on it.
Selfishness – The list says: “She has an obligation to her master to make sure her own needs are being met…. There are times she has to make it known she wants attention; she can’t always depend on her master to figure it out by himself.” This is, um, one of my flaws. Even when i think it’s not, it is. So i’ll have a long conversation with myself about out relationship ~ and it can go on for days ~ and then out loud, i’ll say something like, “Don’t you think maybe we need to talk about our relationship?” and think that i’ve shared my thoughts. Ok, maybe that’s exaggerating just a bit, but it’s not too far off. Then we talk a little bit, but i’m all cautious and worried about hurting his feelings and such. Then nothing changes and i’m disappointed.
So. i might have done something recently that changes that scenario. For one, i finally got really clear about how much i need D/s. i know, i know, youall told me to a long time ago. And i thought i had. Truly. But this time i put it in writing, in an email to Him. A couple of emails, actually.
And i haven’t let it go. We’ve agreed to not just talk once, but to keep talking until we know what we’re doing. It’s different this time because – before, i think that He thought He was supposed to know what to do to fix things. Now, we’re going to just talk about what we want first. What we think might work for us.
So ok, yes, all you “talk to him, talk to him,” people were right. Who knew? Being a little less worried about his feelings, and a little more clear about where i stood and how i felt apparently helped. Moving forward…