I think He thinks

i think He thinks that once we’ve had a conversation about whatever it is that’s bothering me, and He’s told me what He’s going to do, and we’ve got a plan…

I think He thinks that once we’ve done that, that’s enough.  He’s done His part, and the problem is solved.  Even though he hasn’t done any of the things he’s hinted, suggested, or promised that he’s going to do.

I think that because I don’t nag or bitch or prod or remind or nudge, He thinks the problem doesn’t exist anymore.  That i’m perfectly content ~ or as content as anyone can be ~ with The Way Things Are.


Maybe He’s right.  In a way, He is right.  i’m not miserable, depressed, unhappy or even discontent most of the time.  i’m a fairly happy person.

But the problem is still there.  It has not gone away.

i remind myself ~ here and now ~ that this is only a problem for me.  If it were a problem for Him, He would be taking steps to address it.   Really, trust me, He would.

It’s painful to recognize this, but important to see clearly.  It’s not the most terrible, horrible, awful thing that ever happened to me.  It’s just painful, and only some of the time.


I don’t know where we’re going.  All I can do is take the next step.

“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.”

Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times




15 thoughts on “I think He thinks

  1. submissiontosubmissiveness

    Hug. I really hate this for you.

    Maybe tell him the problem is still there?

    This brings to mind a comment abby left on my blog awhile back. She was saying that she told her Master, a long time ago, that she couldn’t be submissive to herself, and he listened to her. I wish I would have worded it that way to my husband instead of writing the post she was commenting on…we all make mistakes I guess.

    Anyway, I’m wishing you all the best. Keep talking to him.


    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Misty, you’re right, of course, and we will have the conversation again – we had it just a couple weeks ago, for about the 5th time. I’m glad your life has taken a good turn!!

  2. abby

    Hugs…..seems like there is a lot of thinking going on….for me….that usually means i need to think less and talk more….or write a letter, but read it together, that way you can monitor better what is said. I had never seen that quote…it does ring true..
    hugs abby

    1. sofia Post author

      I know that’s good advice, Abby. But honestly, we have talked, he does know, and I don’t know what good it’s going to do to keep saying it over and over.

      On the other hand – I’m probably wrong. 🙂


  3. Cailin

    We’ve been at this, married ds, almost two years, and there are highs and lows. But, ive come to realize that, we will have to have the same conversations, multiple times, and reevaluate often, and talk…so much talk (which I hate, Im not a talker, lol). Because it takes evaluation, constant work, tweaking, adjusting and changing to move forward.
    This has been a recent revalation for me, after one such discussion, well an email to start, then real life communication!
    So, after all that rambling, just keep talking! Its worth it!

  4. vanillamom

    You write the most poignant posts–hard, brutally honest–I admire that even while I hurt for you…



  5. jadescastle

    This is what helped some here. i stopped framing the lack of s/m as a problem *for me* and pointed out it was actually a *problem for us.* i made a small list of things which i believe would be improved if we made that a priority. It seemed that when it was focused on me, we were both uncomfortable, and she was not too interested in making changes. And why should she, when all of her wants and needs were cared for? So, i told her that-truthfully-she was not getting one hundred percent access to my emotions because i had to work so hard to deal with not getting my basic needs met. Which meant she wasn’t getting one hundred percent control. What is her crack? Control. What is his crack? How does his lack of participation in this part of your relationship deny him parts of it, even when you try your best? Just some thoughts.


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