i realize tonight – maybe not for the first time, but still with a sense of shock – that when someone can’t find something, it creates a panic-y feeling inside me. i feel it in my stomach and my chest – a tightness, a churning feeling – and i have an urgent need to FIND whatever it is – and find it quickly – right now!!
i have not been married to my first husband for over 15 years. He never hit me, just got explosively angry, screamed and yelled and cussed, and still 15 years later, i am mentally cringing because someone can’t find something. Their keys, their purse, their glass of water – doesn’t matter what it is. The panic fills me.
No one would ever know that. i am the epitome of calm. i barely know it myself. But there it is.
i whisper about it here.