Still…

i’m going to say a bunch of non-kinky stuff, ok?  Don’t feel like you have to read it.

More and more i become aware of how painfully sensitive i am to feeling like i have NOT done something as well as i theoretically could have.  Still — after years of therapy — giving and receiving – years of study, years of insight, years of frigging working on this same damn issue – and STILL

the least hint of not-good-enough and i’m swamped by feelings of failure, disappointment, disgust – not named like that, but floating around me, threatening to drown me.  Almost like this quote:

He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations.  Men had drowned in seas like that.”

 

Only it’s not other people’s expectations – they are my own.  It is my own moments of panic – my stomach churning –

Good grief.

i know better than this.  Know – have knowledge – in my head.  Which does me no frigging good when it’s my stomach, my heart, even my breath that’s reacting.

It pisses me off though.  Ugh.

But i guess it’s better to know that’s what is happening – better than just reacting to the stomach-churning panic-y feeling.  Right?

Sigh.

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9 thoughts on “Still…

  1. submissiontosubmissiveness

    I’m the same way–I really let my own expectations get to me. It is crippling at times.

    I think the key is to not fight the feeling –to accept it’s how you feel, know it’s not reality, and move past it.

    Now if I could just remember that next time…

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Yeah, i think you’re right, SubmissiontoSubmissiveness, that’s what i tell my clients, and what i tell myself when i’m not in the middle of it. Nice that you understand that too!!

      Reply
  2. monkey

    You could be dipping your cup into the same well I drink from. I hate that someone else, anyone else, feels this way because I know this struggle intimately. It’s grueling and upsetting on such a deep level. In that way I am so sorry you are going through this. In another way, I thank you for your courage to post this. It helps to know one is not alone. If someone I admire so much can soldier on and keep making strides, well then, so can I.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, LM, for the support and understanding, and if knowing that i share this struggle is helpful for you – well, that’s a silver lining anyhow. It’s funny, i’ll tell my clients, when they tell their stories about feeling this way, i’ll say, “you know, that’s not unusual, i think most people have things that make them feel that way.” But when we’re in the middle of it, i think most of us feel alone.

      Thanks for being there.

      Reply
  3. Soume Stalked (Fury)

    Oh expectations, other people’s and our own. Both can motivate us to act, and both can be toxic and bring us into the realm of perfectionism, don’t you think? I think that when I don’t meet expectations, it makes me feel guilty, which then makes me feel mad. And I’m still not perfect.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      I totally agree, Fury, and perfectionism is at the source of the feeling I experience in these circumstances. Guilt and anger makes sense too. I think what happens to me is more shame-based though, and that’s hard to fight off. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience.

      Reply
  4. vanillamom

    I think that feeling of soul-deep inadequacy is the most painful of all. Here’s hoping that you know how deeply I value you–as a friend, as a co=journeyer on so many levels, and as one of the most insightful, thoughtful, caring people I’ve ever known. Words can’t help stop that feeling, but maybe feeling the waves and ripples of love and caring that I’m sending (and not often enough, I’m sorry to say) to you. Having you in my life has added layers and levels to the world that I never saw before. And yanno. You helped me save my marriage. Big stuff and little stuff–I’d be less of who I am without your touch.

    nilla

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you so much, ‘Nilla, for those kind words. That’s lovely to hear and i so appreciate it. But you know that’s such a two way street – you add so much to my life, and your support back in the day when i was looking for my mate helped keep me on the path to where i really needed to.

      Hugs… and more hugs

      Reply

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