i’m going to say a bunch of non-kinky stuff, ok? Don’t feel like you have to read it.
More and more i become aware of how painfully sensitive i am to feeling like i have NOT done something as well as i theoretically could have. Still — after years of therapy — giving and receiving – years of study, years of insight, years of frigging working on this same damn issue – and STILL
the least hint of not-good-enough and i’m swamped by feelings of failure, disappointment, disgust – not named like that, but floating around me, threatening to drown me. Almost like this quote:
He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.”
Only it’s not other people’s expectations – they are my own. It is my own moments of panic – my stomach churning –
i know better than this. Know – have knowledge – in my head. Which does me no frigging good when it’s my stomach, my heart, even my breath that’s reacting.
It pisses me off though. Ugh.
But i guess it’s better to know that’s what is happening – better than just reacting to the stomach-churning panic-y feeling. Right?