I don’t know…

Elle commented on my post yesterday, and said, in part:

There is something about the administration of punishment. To me it says, “I control you and you are worth correcting.”

That resonated deeply with me.  I think it’s at the heart of my desire for submission – probably not the only thing, but the one that is in the forefront these days.

i think –

i’ve had access lately to some information – some stories – about my childhood that have put me in touch with some feelings i didn’t know were there.  It made me realize – not for the first time – how much was expected of me at a very early age.  It made me think of this quote:

“Adults constantly raise the bar on smart children, precisely because they’re able to handle it. The children get overwhelmed by the tasks in front of them and gradually lose the sort of openness and sense of accomplishment they innately have. When they’re treated like that, children start to crawl inside a shell and keep everything inside. It takes a lot of time and effort to get them to open up again. Kids’ hearts are malleable, but once they gel it’s hard to get them back the way they were.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

In some ways, D/s relationships allowed me to be open in a way that i hadn’t been in – well, you know, in ever.  D/s allowed me to be needy, to not be competent and in charge all the fucking time.  (Ooops – frigging.  All the frigging time.)

So when Sir says, matter-of-factly, “You don’t need someone to manage your daily life,” of course He’s right.  i don’t.   i can do just fine on my own.  i don’t need rules or tasks or expectations or punishment.  i don’t need any of it.

He doesn’t miss it the way i do.  He doesn’t need it.

And really, we don’t have time for it anyhow.

It doesn’t really matter anyway.

 

 

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18 thoughts on “I don’t know…

  1. greengirliam

    So. Those last few sentences don’t follow from the rest of the post. They feel opposite, resigned, wistful, maybe disingenuous….. Or, maybe I’m reading into it too much. Because that’s me, for sure. Grew up way too fast. I’m competent, capable, efficient, dependable, independent. And he doesn’t have time or desire to manage me at all. Not in that way. At all. And he won’t. Took me, has taken, is taking me a long time one to let go of that want. But – slowly we are discovering how to be Master and surrendered in the ways that are meaningful to him, that he wants, and that meet my needs also. But gosh it’s hard.

    (And I am sorry if I’m misreading.)

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Gg.

      i just feel stuck. i learned a long time ago to watch what people do, not what they say. i mean, i listen, and i watch. What i see with Sir is a man who shows that he loves me, is thoughtful and considerate most of the time, willing to accommodate my life, which is not always easy, kind to my family, and much more. What i don’t see is someone who has any interest in being my Dom. Not just in day to day life, but really, in any way.

      i don’t know what i can do with that. i can’t change Him, i know that’s not going to happen. He is who He is. Yes, i’ve talked to Him, yes, He understands. And that still doesn’t make Him someone who wants to be my Dom.

      We just talked again, so there will be some kinky event soon here, i think, and i’ll be all excited about the possiblites. But the reality is, He doesn’t want to Dom me.

      And maybe i just need to figure out how to be ok with that. Instead, i dance through these little cycles of grief about it, move back to denial, and then have to do the whole damn thing over again.

      Damn, i just wrote a blog post.

      love,

      sofia

      Reply
  2. abby

    I also grew up competent , in charge, the go-to person. What i have learned……it is ok not to always be that person, and how good it feels to be taken of, to let go of all that…..in is a need….for me….and i think for you. I know that rationalizing that need away does not work…it is still there. I hope you find peace….and contentment….
    hugs abby

    Reply
  3. submissiontosubmissiveness

    sofia, I get this. All of it. Too well. Master told me a few months ago, “I don’t want to be a babysitter.” Things have gotten MUCH better since then, but those words continue to play over and over in the back of my mind. They hurt. Really bad. So much that I won’t explain further.

    It definitely does matter…

    HUGS

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hi, Misty,

      Thanks for reading and for commenting – i know, you’re write, things like that stick with us, don’t they… Sigh. You’re right, it does matter. But – it also doesn’t matter. No matter how much i want it to be different, i can’t make that happen. i just can’t

      Thanks again for commenting.

      Reply
  4. hispetitelle

    Like I said yesterday, I don’t get punished that much. Actually, it’s rare. Not because I can do no wrong (I do plenty wrong). He too does .net it want to micromanage me. I’m smart and capable and he expects me to be creative and use my abilities to help enhance our lives. He trusts my judgement on what type of cereal to buy and the brand of toilet paper. We’ve known each other for about 28 years so I know his tastes and temperaments. I’m allowed to freely spend money and I’m the one that does the books because I’ve done plenty of bookkeeping.

    So we have to make the whole control=care to correct thing work for us. He’s a coach and trainer so he will put me through my paces in a workout. This is where he manages me the most. He is a natural Dom in that so it works for us and I’m starting to get in great shape as a result. I would never let him train me for years and years and now we find it is a natural extension our D/s. Wish I submitted to it long ago.

    Reply
  5. michelle

    I have lots of thoughts about this post, but i will stick with this one for now. The quote about raising the bar for smart children resomates so loudly within me. I still haven’t broken out of thatsgell, not really.

    I love reading your blog. There’s always something thought provoking.

    Reply
  6. genuinesubgirl

    When I read your post, then read greengirliam’s first several lines of her reply I was nodding in agreement with her that the end of your post didn’t fit with the first part. Then I finished reading her reply and others … and I found myself sighing in sadness. I am definitely NOT the judge of any one’s relationship. At all! But, it sounds like you are in relationships with men you love and who sound as if they love you, but aren’t meeting your needs and you are both struggling with that. I am in the process of ending a 26 year marriage with a really, really good man whom I love and who loves me … but we don’t meet each other’s needs and haven’t for – well, ever. I rationalized that it was enough for a long time. And if you are happy – you are. But if you aren’t, you aren’t. And you have to be you. Be authentically, genuinely you. Be happy. And if your base, most important needs aren’t being met – you deserve to have them met. Not just the needs someone else thinks is important – the ones you think and feel are important are the ones that are important and you deserve to have those me. You do.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Genuine Sub Girl. I totally agree with you. Believe me, i know how to say, ‘sorry, this isn’t working for me,” and cut myself loose. 🙂 i guess i still have hope that we’ll work this out somehow – or that there is another way for me to get my needs met. Time will tell… Thanks again for the support, and for sharing your wisdom.

      Reply
  7. monkey

    Yesterday I was so struck by that same portion of Elle’s comment that I needed to walk away and process it. Now the Murakami quote is bouncing around in there too.

    Just like once something has been seen it can’t be unseen,I think once we recognize that need in ourselves, and it is a need, it is always with us. I hope you find a way to live peacefully with it.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Monkey. Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see what happens here. Like i was telling genuine sub, i guess i (still) hope either He’ll step up or i’ll figure out a way to get what i need around that. We’ll see. i’m glad you liked the quotes though. 🙂

      Reply

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