Elle commented on my post yesterday, and said, in part:
There is something about the administration of punishment. To me it says, “I control you and you are worth correcting.”
That resonated deeply with me. I think it’s at the heart of my desire for submission – probably not the only thing, but the one that is in the forefront these days.
i think –
i’ve had access lately to some information – some stories – about my childhood that have put me in touch with some feelings i didn’t know were there. It made me realize – not for the first time – how much was expected of me at a very early age. It made me think of this quote:
“Adults constantly raise the bar on smart children, precisely because they’re able to handle it. The children get overwhelmed by the tasks in front of them and gradually lose the sort of openness and sense of accomplishment they innately have. When they’re treated like that, children start to crawl inside a shell and keep everything inside. It takes a lot of time and effort to get them to open up again. Kids’ hearts are malleable, but once they gel it’s hard to get them back the way they were.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
In some ways, D/s relationships allowed me to be open in a way that i hadn’t been in – well, you know, in ever. D/s allowed me to be needy, to not be competent and in charge all the fucking time. (Ooops – frigging. All the frigging time.)
So when Sir says, matter-of-factly, “You don’t need someone to manage your daily life,” of course He’s right. i don’t. i can do just fine on my own. i don’t need rules or tasks or expectations or punishment. i don’t need any of it.
He doesn’t miss it the way i do. He doesn’t need it.
And really, we don’t have time for it anyhow.
It doesn’t really matter anyway.