Not Quite sofia

Sofia was a submissive woman, in a relationship with her Dom, in love with her Dom, curious about how the relationship would evolve and grow.

The woman writing this post is in a relationship with the same person, and still in love and still happy most of the time.  But.   She is not – i am not – in a D/s relationship.

So i’m not quite sofia anymore.

It just quit happening ~ the Domming ~ and didn’t start back up.  i got a birthday spanking last week, there was that.  A spanking generally turns me on and can be a nice warm-up for sex.   But a spanking once every four or five months feels just barely kinky, and there’s no sense of being submissive for me.

Yes, He knows that i miss it and need it.  Yes, i have told Him, and He acknowledges it.  And that’s all.

I guess i’m ok.  You know.  i feel like i’ve lost part of myself, but the rest of me is fine.  {No, really, it’s ok, i didn’t need that leg anyhow…}

i read your blogs ~ the ones that are kinky and the ones that aren’t so much ~ and enjoy them.  i don’t comment because i’m hardly ever signed in as sofia.  Cause you know, i’m not quite her anyhow.

i’ve been really enjoying Sin’s blog, and Jz’s, and of course Beatrice and ‘nilla and abby and so many others.  Sigh.  i just can’t muster the energy to sign out as vanilla me, and sign in again to comment, knowing that i’ll need to sign back out immediately and back in AGAIN as the other me.  Yeah.  Just too much trouble.

Most of the time, i’m perfectly happy.  It’s just when i think about what i’ve lost ~ well, it just makes me sad for a little bit.  Then i shake it off and go on.  Sometimes i eat some ice cream first, or three bowls of cereal.  Cause that’s helpful.  {Not.}

i guess this is what my submission has become ~ accepting that Sir is not going to act as my Sir, is not going to be a Dom to me.  He says ~ or implies ~ that He still wants to, but actions speak louder.

And i love Him, and i’m mostly always happy with Him!  That’s what sucks, in a way.  i don’t ever want anyone else.  And i guess i don’t need to be Dommed.  But i miss it so much.

i know, i could write some fantasies.  Just don’t want to.  Don’t feel like it.

Anyhow.  This is what’s going on with me, thought i’d stop by and let you know.   i don’t want to convince myself that i’m so ok that it’s not a loss.  i need to mourn it a bit from time to time.

Gotta go get dressed ~ got an on-line meeting this morning for work.  Y’all take care.

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21 thoughts on “Not Quite sofia

  1. SirQs MLB

    Oh sofia….I wish I was closer to give you a huge hug. I am sorry that you are missing a part of you that you wish you weren’t. I don’t know weather to sympathize with your grief over the loss or encourage you to continue to look for submission or to nudge you to push your Sir for more Domination…But what I do know is that I love you just the way you are and wish you huge hugs!

    ((((((((HUGS))))))))
    fiona

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      i wish you were closer too, fiona! That would be fun. We’ll have to get together again soon.

      Thanks for the support – whatever you say is helpful.

      Reply
  2. jadescastle

    Sigh. Does he offer any explanation at all? i’m glad you aren’t trying to convince yourself that it doesn’t matter when clearly-it does. Is there anything you can do to for yourself to keep that spark safe inside until the D/s comes back? It could you know. It came back here eventually. I think I actually went through the stages of grief about the relationship changes while it was going on. i ate a lot of chocolate because its biochemically not different than being in love, which i rationalized very nicely, i figured i’d enjoy my small treats while i could in case the tides changed back to more active Dominance.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Explanation? We’re so busy, there’s so much going on, we will, just not right now…sigh.

      I don’t know. Those are good questions you ask, but I don’t know. Thanks for trying to help, I may come back and consider those suggestions at some point.

      Thank you, Jade. ❤

      Reply
  3. monkey

    I understand the mourning. I did it too. I am so glad that you are different than I, in that the foundation of your relationship doesn’t have cracks. Altho’ it might make it harder in a way. and now I am starting to think myself in circles…I want to be supportive, you’ve become a good friend, so I will just send a quiet hug, and say I will read your writing in whatever incarnation about what ever topic it appears as. I’m not here for sofia, I am here for you. .

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, Monkey. You crack me up with your thinking in circles. I appreciate the hug and the support very much.

      Reply
  4. Jz

    I am very much hearing you. (Altho’ without the compensation of the man himself still firmly planted beside me, just not in Dominant’s clothing.)

    I also find it hard to comment because, well, this hurts, hello.
    Not so much so that I don’t want to (and continue to) read about others being happy – I truly am glad for them – but it does leave a person feeling like any comment left would have to be signed, “Eeyore”

    Please save some of that ice cream for me…

    Yours in Disappointment

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Yep, I know you “get it,” Jz. Thanks. But i’m not saving any ice cream for you – sorry. I will, however, buy more when you come visit!

      yY

      Reply
  5. michelle

    First, I’m so glad to know that you are ok (at least in the “she’s not dead or been seriously injured way.)
    And I too vote that I would read whatever you chose to write about, D/s related or not.
    And I’m sad for you. Hugs. I hope you and partner get to a place where you both get what you need.

    Reply
  6. greengirliam

    I can imagine the conflicting feelings you describe. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. It is a loss, and yet – it feels a little wrong to mourn the loss of a person when the person is still there and still in so many ways good for you. Who know’s where anyone’s future will take them. I am glad you wrote though, and be assured, name her whatever – we all come here out of caring for you.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, GG. I know you get it too, and that’s lovely. It feels like the loss is not of him, but of part of myself, and that makes it particularly sad. However… I so appreciate the support.

      Reply
  7. Wordwytch

    Lots of love and hugs. Living 24/7 can make it difficult. Where is that switch between the D/s and vanilla life? Ours has been a bit too mellow as well. Just too busy, or too much going on. So, I understand. Communication is still such a key thing. Hope for the best too. Hugs!

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you so much, Wordwythch. You’re right – this 24/7 thing is tough, and in my case it’s become just about 0/0, so that’s real “mellow.” sigh. However, where there’s life there’s hope, right?

      Thank you for the support.

      Reply
      1. Wordwytch

        Yes, there is hope. Lots of time it is scheduling. I have to admit that your life hasn’t been much calmer than mine has of late. That means there has been little time to play, let alone play D/s.

        Lots of hugs!

        Reply

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