Did i Ask for This?

If you read my post “Sunday” then you know i didn’t do a very good job actually relaxing, even though Sir had suggested i do just that.  Lady P called me on it emphatically in her comment just a few minutes ago.  She said:

The thing is ….he gave you permission, maybe even an order to “relax and take it easy” and even in that context it’s difficult for you to allow yourself to indulge. Other days you call yourself “The Queen of Procrastination” in this blog, when you do the same relaxing non-things, while you tell yourself you should be doing something else.
Either way – you’re not really allowing yourself to relax and do nothing , whether you “cheat” or you’ve been given time to relax. Why is that? I’m pretty sure you think other people are entitled to relaxation – why not you?
Why not accept His gift to you? A day off…
With love,
Lady P

It reminded me so much of what happened when He got home.  It was late evening, late for me, anyhow.

i hug Him first, because i always do, and ask how His day went.  Then i say something like, “Well, i didn’t get anything done today, i just piddled around all day – like you told me to!”

Realizing that doesn’t sound right, i quickly backpedal, adding “Not that i thought it was an order or anything, i mean i know it wasn’t, i’m just saying… i didn’t get anything done.”

He looks at me, a bit quizzical, and says in His mildest tones, “My hope was that you’d relax and enjoy the day, not spend it feeling guilty about what you needed to do.  If you didn’t enjoy it, then you missed the point.”

There is no censure in His tone, He’s just stating the facts.   He’s not confronting me, or accusing or criticizing, and no explanations are necessary. There will be no spanking for punishment or to alleviate the foolishness i feel now.

Sigh.

Yes, Lady P, apparently i do not allow myself to actually relax and feel ok about it under any conditions.  Yes, other people can and i will tell them so.  Just Not me.  What IS that about?

Drat.  i think it’s my old friend Perfectionism rearing her ugly head again.  Apparently, i can never actually do enough.  After all, there are still problems in the world, my house is not perfect, I have cleaning and paperwork and organizing and a virtual plethora of other things undone.  And when i think about it, i get anxious.

So to relieve the anxiety, i fuss at myself, while not doing anything?

Hmmmm.  Maybe.

Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter why i am this way.  It’s not really a big surprise, i just didn’t realize how pernicious it is.  i’ve done my time figuring out the why’s and how i got this way – now i just need to work on doing it differently.

Sigh.

Which sounds kind of exhausting.  Maybe i’ll just go to bed – sleep on it…  But thanks Lady P for confronting me on it.  i bet everyone of the commenters on this post was trying to say the same thing, but most of y’all are so gentle i didn’t really get it.  Thanks though.  i’ll work on it ~~ oh, wait, that won’t work..  Giggling…

‘Night, friends…

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17 thoughts on “Did i Ask for This?

  1. jadescastle

    (giggles) i think the overwhelming majority of slaves are recovering perfectionists. Which we are determined to do *perfectly* damn it. 😛
    Seriously, relaxing is a form of self-care and i found it was more exhausting to try to relax but instead think about the fifty things i needed or wanted to get accomplished than it was to get up and do something. Fibromyalgia has taught me that some days, its better to just genuinely relax. i shower, put on clean pjs, light candles, watch movies, read. When i find myself thinking about what needs to be done, i make a list if i can’t focus on relaxing and then get back to it. i treat relaxing like it is a part of my job because when i don’t take the down day that my body is needing and push too hard, i get flu-like sick. My body is teaching me the hard way because i wouldn’t learn how to just be a good girl and rest any other way, apparently. Heh.

    To begin with, i had to use specific pjs or movies or scents to remind me it was “relax time.” It sounds silly, but it helped me. Sort of the way you train yourself to sleep when you have had insomnia and are anxious about how long you have been awake. Same idea, clearly.
    Perhaps your Sir can help you identify things that help you relax and set those things aside for relaxation days. SR has brought home movies, scheduled time for me to make art, reminded me to blog.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Jade. Always good to know i’m not alone, and scheduling relaxation reminders and mood-setters is probably a good idea. i may actually try that. 🙂

      Reply
  2. vanillamom

    it is SO hard to “do nothing”…I did this one day last week…I was uber tired from several poor nights sleep, a bad nightmare, insomnia…and I felt SO damn guilty about just sitting and writing (my cure-all)….and then I thought..g.ee…this is my life, too, and I can have a veg morning and not stress about it…(but I still did)…see? You’re not alone. The Overachievers club welcomes us with open arms. I love that your Sir was not confrontational about it, but gentle in pointing out the matter — he really is a beautiful spirit. Sending good wishes for your *next* pa-diddler day!

    nilla

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, ‘nilla, i know you’re in this club, and um, imo, worse than me, cause i think you’re generally way more productive than i am! We need to support each other in this!

      sofia

      Reply
      1. vanillamom

        TOday ? I am being a total (okay not *total* but as close to that as possible) slacker. Only 2 loads of wash. That’s the sum total of my “production” today. I’m on the computer and writing my ass off. (I did –I heard it fall on the floor but since it’s all bouncy, it leapt back up and reattached itself. Dang.)

        nilla, laughing….well, you know.

        Reply
  3. Littlemonkey

    sigh.

    I was just sitting here checking e-mail, and thinking, “I wonder if i can get some cleaning/decluttering/filing/mending in without going past my bedtime.” when I saw you had posted. I was beating myself up that I hadn’t gotten anything other than cooking dinner accomplished. I actually got home from work, changed into my workout clothes, intending to go running, then dive into my after-work work (housework), and instead lay down on my bed to cuddle the cat for a moment, and that was all she wrote until 7 pm. Obviously I needed the sleep, or I wouldn’t have gone down so far, so fast, but could I allow myself that?

    Not until I read this post. and now? I’m going to go sit with my family for half an hour, then go to bed… early!!!

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Glad you got some sleep ~ and glad you had family time and went to bed early too! i did the same thing – went to bed early – got about 10 hours sleep Tuesday night ~ woohooo! New personal goal is 7-8 hours every night instead of the 5 1/2-6 i usually do. Thanks!

      sofia

      Reply
  4. Pingback: Just Random Things | Vanillamom's Blog

  5. Lady P

    Dear Sofia
    What I didn´t write in my comment is that I genuinely identify with your troubles, as I see others here do too. I do the same things – procrastination and feeling guilty. Maybe we should start an on-line selfhelp group? 😀
    Virtual hugs,
    Lady P

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Dear Lady P – yes, it looks like a bunch of us have this issue. An on-line self-help group sounds lovely to me – thoughts on how to set it up?
      Virtual hugs back to you!!

      sofia

      Reply
  6. Wordwytch

    He is a good Sir. 🙂
    This whole thing reminds me of when Wolf says I’m ‘suffering from Impostors Syndrome’… That whole “I can’t possibly be good at X, so I work harder and depreciate myself. I can tell when I’m getting over wrought. Wolf says it’s movie night, and when I go to grab the knitting or some sewing, he goes “Ahem…” and takes it out of my hands.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Yes, i think “Impostors syndrome” and not being able to relax are certainly related to each other. Glad you’ve got Wolf to keep you straight! Thanks…

      sofia

      Reply
    2. vanillamom

      that’d kill me for sure…I knit when I’m at church (on those rare occasions) and if I am not knitting or doing some other handwork, I’m not watching tv…I can’t concentrate without my hands being busy! (I think it’s a self-taught ADD coping skill)

      nilla

      Reply
      1. Wordwytch

        I have to admit that the first time he did it, I thought I’d go crazy. I was as fidgety as a 5 yr old. Then he put his hand on mine and said “Relax.” in that tone… And I did. It is still difficult at times though.

        Reply

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