If you read my post “Sunday” then you know i didn’t do a very good job actually relaxing, even though Sir had suggested i do just that. Lady P called me on it emphatically in her comment just a few minutes ago. She said:
The thing is ….he gave you permission, maybe even an order to “relax and take it easy” and even in that context it’s difficult for you to allow yourself to indulge. Other days you call yourself “The Queen of Procrastination” in this blog, when you do the same relaxing non-things, while you tell yourself you should be doing something else.
Either way – you’re not really allowing yourself to relax and do nothing , whether you “cheat” or you’ve been given time to relax. Why is that? I’m pretty sure you think other people are entitled to relaxation – why not you?
Why not accept His gift to you? A day off…
It reminded me so much of what happened when He got home. It was late evening, late for me, anyhow.
i hug Him first, because i always do, and ask how His day went. Then i say something like, “Well, i didn’t get anything done today, i just piddled around all day – like you told me to!”
Realizing that doesn’t sound right, i quickly backpedal, adding “Not that i thought it was an order or anything, i mean i know it wasn’t, i’m just saying… i didn’t get anything done.”
He looks at me, a bit quizzical, and says in His mildest tones, “My hope was that you’d relax and enjoy the day, not spend it feeling guilty about what you needed to do. If you didn’t enjoy it, then you missed the point.”
There is no censure in His tone, He’s just stating the facts. He’s not confronting me, or accusing or criticizing, and no explanations are necessary. There will be no spanking for punishment or to alleviate the foolishness i feel now.
Yes, Lady P, apparently i do not allow myself to actually relax and feel ok about it under any conditions. Yes, other people can and i will tell them so. Just Not me. What IS that about?
Drat. i think it’s my old friend Perfectionism rearing her ugly head again. Apparently, i can never actually do enough. After all, there are still problems in the world, my house is not perfect, I have cleaning and paperwork and organizing and a virtual plethora of other things undone. And when i think about it, i get anxious.
So to relieve the anxiety, i fuss at myself, while not doing anything?
Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter why i am this way. It’s not really a big surprise, i just didn’t realize how pernicious it is. i’ve done my time figuring out the why’s and how i got this way – now i just need to work on doing it differently.
Which sounds kind of exhausting. Maybe i’ll just go to bed – sleep on it… But thanks Lady P for confronting me on it. i bet everyone of the commenters on this post was trying to say the same thing, but most of y’all are so gentle i didn’t really get it. Thanks though. i’ll work on it ~~ oh, wait, that won’t work.. Giggling…