i am going to try to be more consistent about writing here, and Sin’s post – here – just got me started.
She was talking about Doms making us suffer, and i realized – Sir likes to play games with me around things that make me feel insecure. Does that sound awful? Here’s what He does.
He might start out asking me how I’d go to get somewhere – what route i’d take – and it’s always somewhere that i’m not completely comfortable directing someone to. Which would be most places. i have real issues with getting lost, and have been known to tell people to turn left when i meant right, and right when it was clearly left, so just being asked for directions makes me nervous.
But there’s no getting out of it once He’s started. If i say, “i don’t know, Sir, i don’t KNOW how to get there,” He’ll say, “Well, you have to leave the neighborhood don’t you? Which way do you go at the end of our street?”
And of course i know that much, so i’ll sigh and say, “Right. You go right.”
“Are you going to the expressway? Which one?”
And usually i know that. If not, He’ll tell me, then He’ll say, “So if you’re on X expressway, which exit do you think you’ll get off at?”
And often, i know that. “Then which way would you go?”
Little by little, step by torturous step, He verbally takes me through the twists and turns til we arrive at the destination. OR
~ if i think i KNOW the way, and start telling Him, i might get part way through and He’ll say, “Really? You go right there? Huh.” And that freaks me out – i’ll be like, “SIR! Don’t you go right there?’
“Oh,” He’ll say, “It doesn’t matter which way I’d go, I’m asking you… I’m just surprised. I didn’t expect you to say you’d go left. Which way from there?”
By then, i’m off balance, and i stutter and stammer though the rest of it. Even though most of the time He eventually says, oh, yes, that is the way He’d go, He was just surprised i knew that.
When we’re finished, when we (verbally) get to where we’re going, i feel this huge, huge sense of relief. And ~ here’s the thing ~
No way i’d do that whole conversation if i weren’t submissive and He weren’t my Dom. It really triggers all my insecurity, all the way down to “you’re not good enough.” It makes me feel ashamed, it makes me want to run away and hide. It’s humiliation play.
by the end of it, i feel good. It is not like the many times (don’t laugh) that other people in my youth acted like i was the stupidest person they ever met because i didn’t know how to get to Bum Fuck Wherever. Sir never does that to me.
So it’s a healing. A transformative experience. It re-does the past in a way that takes the sting out, and heals some old pain.
i’m just now putting that together. He does it with other stuff too – He kind of leads me down some conversational paths that make me feel stupid – but then i end up feeling like it doesn’t matter if i don’t know whatever He’s asking me about ~ i’m still worthy. Don’t have to be perfect, and if i don’t know, it doesn’t make me less lovable.
How about that.
And it turns me on. It actually does – makes me wet. Huh.
I don’t know how/if this fits in for Sin and her Master, or anyone else. But that’s how it works for us.