Just some thoughts

Not more story, i’m sorry, i’ll get there, i think, but not right now.

i have been in a strange headspace, not a negative one, just different from where i’ve been before.  In many ways, it’s been really positive.  i’ve had lots of moments of real pleasure and satisfaction in the way things are, without a follow-up rush of anxiety that i’ve forgotten something or not done something right or any of that.  i had learned to push back on those thoughts, that anxiety, but lately there has been less of it.

When i posted the re-blogged post, i realized that his description of submissive women fit me.  At first, i thought, no, i can express my opinion – i have LOTS of opinions – not a problem.

But then i realized how willing i am to defer to Sir’s wishes ~ or my friends, for that matter, in lots of things.  Not to make it sound like i can’t be kind of bossy or – no, you know what i mean.  i am that woman they’re talking about.  Which felt a bit weird, but then ok, because Sir is that Dom.

And that’s not what i’m here to talk about, or at least that’s just peripheral.

Something is changing inside me.  i don’t know how to describe it.

i had been frustrated because i was not getting what i wanted.  i wanted more kink, more sex, more spanking, more, more, more.  And i was getting much less than i wanted.

i know, everyone has advice on that, you have to talk to him, tell him what you’re feeling, blah, blah, blah – and i thought that was probably right – i know, i know – but then it didn’t feel right either.  i mean, He knew i wanted more, i promise He did, i am not that subtle.  And He is not the kind of man who forgets, or who’s just naturally oblivious.  But it didn’t seem like a “we need to talk” kind of moment.

So i took care of other things.  i did work things, and home things, and family things.  i enjoyed the kink and the sex that He offered me.  (Yes, the caning was  lovely.)  But i just – well, i submitted.  In a very not-sexy and not-so-fun way, i just submitted to Him being the one in charge and Him setting the pace, and i waited.

i didn’t feel sexual anyhow.  Didn’t feel very submissive.  Mostly i felt vanilla.

i did work things and home things and family things, and i looked for ways to show Him that i love Him.  Not dramatic, not sexual, not kinky ways.  Just little mundane ways, that probably no one would even notice.

i do love Him, you know.

Last night, He told me something about myself ~ i had asked His opinion on something, on whether or not something i was going to do was selfish, actually, and His answer touched me so deeply.  i realized that He sees me ~ not just that He’s ~ not just that He’s willing to praise me ~ but that He sees me.

i felt humbled and uplifted at the same time.

i wanted to sit at His feet.  i needed to sit at His feet.

i waited until i was ready to go to bed, and then i asked Him ~ “Is it ok if i sit at your feet for a little bit?”

He said, “That would be wonderful,” so i did.

It felt like ~ you know, like coming home.  i felt submissive again.  And i felt turned on.

When i went to bed, just a few minutes later, He tucked me in, as He does, and tethered me with a rope.  Kissed me gently, smacked my thighs a few times, and told me to warm the bed up for Him.

In the morning – today –  i feel different.   i feel ~ reconnected with who i am.  i think ~ i think i need to ask for what i want, but in tiny, simple ways.  D/s things, that is.

In our vanilla lives, there are things i need from Him, and i need to let Him know what they are.   That’s different.

But i think maybe one of the ways i need to serve Him {or maybe this is crazy, crazy, crazy} is to ask Him for what i need – maybe not for Him to do something for me ~ i don’t know.   i mean, asking for a spanking requires attention and energy on His part.  Asking to sit at His feet or rub His back or rub His feet doesn’t.  But i do love to serve Him, so maybe i can offer that more often.

It satisfies me and makes me feel good too.

Heading home for work – don’t think i’m going to proof this, just hit publish, so if there’s errors – well, there they are.

 

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10 thoughts on “Just some thoughts

  1. abby

    I think you are on to something important. I hesitate to ask, He is so busy..etc. But to ask for something i can do for Him….that makes more sense. Thanks for this post….it really spoke to me.
    hugs abby

    Reply
  2. vanillamom

    This was a deeply moving post. It is so nice when the headspace and actuality match, isn’t it? Finding your place –maybe that should be in quotes .. “place”…in both the vanilla world and in your 24/7 D/s world is quite the balancing act, since one juxtaposes the other, doesn’t it? I’m so happy for you to have found that footing. Moreover? I’m thrilled that you’re as happy as you are. That’s simply wonderful.

    love,

    nilla

    Reply
  3. greengirliam

    What an absolutely beautiful way to flip it all around and in seeing differently, believe differently and change your world for the better, and His i think. I have been more and less successful in remembering this over time. And also the focus on him vs. on me. thank you.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, GG – some of your posts helped me get here. And i would have left comments telling you that except half the time i was signed in as my vanilla self and too lazy – or short of time – to switch out, and the rest of the time i couldn’t think of anything to say that really reflected how i felt. So thank you.

      Reply
  4. Lady P

    Oh Sofia
    I’m so happy to read your thoughtful thoughts again.
    I have been longing for your words
    Because they make me understand myself better.
    Thank You
    Lady P

    Reply

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