Less Sleepy, More Submissive

i have definitely slept better the last couple of nights, and the butt-warming spanking i got warmed my heart as much as my other parts, so that was good.

Here’s an interesting survey on sexual fantasies.  I found it through fetlife, so it’s not some goofy mainstream magazine version.  It was kind of fun to take, so i thought you might want to check it out.

i’ve been dreadfully anxious with Sir lately, in vanilla kinds of ways.  You know that anxiety we feel when they tell us to do something and we’re not sure what they want or what’s going to happen next and our hearts are pounding because we want to please but we’re not sure we’re going to?  Yeah, that feeling.

Well, i’ve been feeling it about vanilla stuff.  Handling home repairs and looking for a new car stuff.  i don’t know what that means, i’m not sure it means anything.  He lets me dangle in vanilla anxiety for a bit – maybe just until he realizes it’s happening?  i don’t know.

But then He sets my mind at rest, and reassures me.

i don’t know how i feel about this.  It’s as if i’m becoming more submissive in daily things, but also maybe less self-confident.

And yet – ok, true confessions – writing about it makes me hot.  Yep.  It does.  The idea that i’m becoming more submissive to Him in ANY way apparently just turns me on.

It’s not what i had in mind when i became His submissive.  But here i am.

When i bought my last car, i did a little research, talked to a few people (emphasis on “little” and “few”) and then i went to the dealer and bought a car.  That car and I have lived mostly happily ever after for about 10 years now.  But some impending expenses have made me turn my eyes toward a new car.

Sir is not accepting my (admittedly slipshod) previous style of research and planning.   Nope.  Now i had to pick three cars that were possibilities, and watch videos and read up on them.  Next, we’re going to go look at them when the lot is closed and there aren’t any sales people to pressure us.  There are more steps after that.

So, once-upon-a-time, Sir sold cars, and i know that He knows what He’s doing.  Plus, he’s working much harder than i am doing the research and some leg work on all this.   So i am TOTALLY NOT complaining.

But you know.  i’m used to doing what i want to do, on my own time frame, in my own way, regardless of whether it’s the best way or not.  So it just feels ~ you know ~ different.

And in some indefinable way, it feels right.  Uncomfortable, but right.  Different from what i thought i wanted, but ~ you know.  Right.

This post seems scattered to me, and i don’t really care.  Normally, i’d go back and rewrite and revise, but not today.  Sigh… just hitting publish anyhow.  You’ll  have to sort it out for yourself.

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14 thoughts on “Less Sleepy, More Submissive

  1. Jz

    Change always feels odd, even when it also feels right.

    (And even tho’ I really do get what you’re saying – man, would I love to have someone else just step in and handle car buying for me!)

    Yy

    Reply
  2. abby

    Your post sounds….you know…right! Going into new and strange ‘places’ is bound to leave unsettled. My submission to Master is not at all what i imagined…must be because i am not in charge of it….go figure.
    hugs abby

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      It’s funny, isn’t it – i have the same thought – “this isn’t what i was thinking it would be,” and quickly followed by “o, that’s because i’m not in charge of it!” Right – lol.

      Thanks, abby.

      Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, Sin – it does feel a bit antifeminist, but i could justify it as ok in that regard because he knows a lot more than i do about the process and it would be foolish not to “let him” guide me. And yeah, i have to appreciate it too. It’s the feeling constrained that is oddly submissive – if that makes sense. As if it’s a form of bondage.

      Yeah, like that…

      Reply
  3. vanillamom

    I don’t think it reads as scattered, at all. You’re sifting through things in your head, and this is a safe place to do so…and…really? It IS hot. Way back when you thought about being submissive 24/7…and though this is subtle, and not “overtly” D/s…it is still going HIS way. And you’re not fighting it…just pondering…and obeying…and it looks beautiful from this side. Hugs for you beautiful struggle…and good luck in finding your new ride. 🙂

    nilla

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, ‘nilla, i appreciate that understanding! And yeah, it is doing it His way – and you know Sir, over the years, who knows what else that might look like!! Yike… there will be lots to ponder and obey, won’t there? {giggle…}

      Thanks for the hugs… and yes, i’m gonna have an awesome car. 🙂

      Reply
  4. jadescastle

    It’s nice when things don’t work out the way we expected. It leaves room for growth and for the wonderful magic that happens when we find we can still surprise ourselves. It’s very nice that he is taking such care with the responsibility of you. 🙂

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, jade, you’re right, of course. And i love the way you put it –

      that he is taking such care with the responsibility of you

      ~~ that really is what He’s doing, isn’t it? {happy sigh..}

      However, i reserve the right to use that first sentence on you sometime… Be warned. 🙂

      hugs –

      Reply
  5. Fondles

    already bikss is getting to be bossman more and more aorund the house in vanilla things too. despite the fact he only pops here 2ce a week. it’s kinda freeing to just let him do some of the things that i used to worry fuss and sweat about before.

    Now if he were to move in permanently, i think i’d be a little more scattered in my writing than you were.

    hey at least you’ll get a reliable car 🙂

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, Fondles – yes, i’m gonna have a great car. 🙂 Seems like you and Bikss have really worked out some ways of being together that work for you. It is nice to give up control of some of those day-to-day things ~ i appreciate some of that too. 🙂

      Reply
  6. Wordwytch

    You know, Living with your Sir, versus seeing them on dates is Sooo different. As you get use to things, you see them in a much different light. While we live oh so D/s lite around here, I find myself hitting the same headspaces. 🙂

    As for the car buying thing… I had to laugh. Why? Well… because 95% of our big purchases go through the Exact same process. Ah, Doms…

    Glad you are getting more rest too. 🙂

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Wordwytch, sleep sure make the waking hours more pleasant!

      And i can just imagine what Wolf and you go through making purchases! i may be wrong, but i imagine that you’re picky and slow where he’s not, and he’s picky and slow where you’re not. The perfect match. 🙂

      Reply

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