1. uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
A week from today, my daughter and granddaughter will be on a plane, flying off to the next leg of their life journey. My life, which has been turned upside down and reconfigured by their presence for the last four and a half months, will be turned upside and in need of a new configuration.
If I am brutally honest, part of me can’t wait. I will be able to pee by myself without sneaking away and without the likelihood of the door suddenly bursting open to reveal a little person standing there looking at me as if to say, “Oh, there you are!”
And I will be totally devastated. I’ll be peeing alone all the time, and no little person will come bursting in looking pleased to have found me.
I won’t have a messy kitchen all the time and the house won’t be full of the aroma of whatever my daughter’s cooking wafting through the air, tantalizingly. I’ll be able to do laundry – putting a load in the washer in the morning and leaving it til that night after work. Or the next morning. No one trying to wash diapers or cute baby clothes in-between.
No diapers. No baby clothes. No sweet baby hugs, little chubby arms wrapped around my legs… no demanding “uh!” urging me to action – her favorite word with a thousand meanings… no one bringing me the shoes she wants me to wear, or shrugging with both arms spread wide when she doesn’t know where the shoes are, or the bib, or her spoon, or what Mommy was thinking when she put her in the tub without her duckie.
It will be a relief. I can clean up my basement, put my books on their shelves, move the TV downstairs, convert the crib to a daybed, and sleep through the night every night. Take the baby gate off the top of the steps.
No more baby to help up the stairs, holding both hands – one step at a time, such a big girl – no more baby to help down the steps, “Ka-boom, ka-boom” one step at a time.
Ok, excuse me, i’m going to go cry for a little while… back later.