Monthly Archives: September 2013

Ok Maybe Not

So i asked Him this morning, while we were both getting ready for work, and i was thinking about how i’m working til 9 pm tomorrow night (dinner meeting) and have an 8 a.m. breakfast meeting Wednesday and thinking about how much i work, and hmmmm, maybe ~ possibly ~ maybe i could be wrong, maybe we just don’t have time to spend together and He does smack my ass around the house when we’re by ourselves and i ~ don’t ~ know ~~~~

so i just said, “Hey, Honey, are you still attracted to me?”

And He said, “YES ~ why do you ask that?  Did I hurt your feelings?  Say something or do something to make you think that?  What happened?”

And i said, “Nooooo, you didn’t do anything, i just, i just…”

And He said, “What?” And He put His arms around me and smacked my ass a couple of times, and said, “I can’t believe you asked me that!” and then He let go and said, “You know, we don’t really have a lot of time to spend just being together.  But yes, I’m still attracted to you.  In fact, the way I feel about you, the roots of that get deeper all the time.”

So you know.  i might of, could have been wrong.  But i sure was convinced!  And i sure am grateful for all the support from you all.  And i still could have been right. But you know, maybe not.

Thanks.

Kink?? Here?? Um, no.

So having answered the pressing question, here i am anyhow.

We did have a taste of kink last Monday, which was simply lovely, but it really was a taste, and left me longing for more.  i know, greedy slut i am.

And he did use the paddle on me about 4 licks yesterday, before we went out for dinner, and that was cool.

But.

But, ok, so here’s the thing.   i’m just going to whisper this here, and then i’m through talking about it ok?

He doesn’t want me anymore.  Not like that.  He loves me – don’t misunderstand -he does love me, i know he does, and he’s happy with me.  But he’s not – he just doesn’t – he isn’t interested in doing the things we used to do.

i don’t know why.

i’m pretty sure i have to have done something wrong, but maybe not, you know, maybe he just isn’t into it anymore.  Maybe he just sees me as “Grandma” too much these days.  i do’t know.

No, i haven’t specifically asked him that, and i’m not going to, because he’s going to say i’m wrong, i know he will.  He’s going to have a lot of reasons why we’re not -you know – any more, and i have no reason not to believe him, except – you know

Actions speak louder.

If there’s anything i’ve learned in the zillion years i’ve been alive, it’s that i need to see what’s happening more than listening to what someone’s saying.  No, i don’t think he’d lie to me, i think he believes it, i guess he’d believe it, but he doesn’t want me that way anymore.

Don’t start telling me he does or i’ll turn off the comments.

It makes me sick and scared and i don’t know what to do.

A Quickie

Noooo, not that kind of quickie.  This isn’t really a sex blog anymore.  Sorry.

But i’m feeling better, have shaken off the odd feeling that lingered the other day, and am busy doing all kinds of fun things.  Work things, family things, things with friends.  Proposals for conferences, clients, workshops and training.

Life is swell.  No, it really is.

What?

Sex?  Kink?  D/s?

O, gosh, no, i don’t do those things anymore.  i know, it’s only been a week since the thing with the cane, but really, i’m not even feeling kinky anymore.

Really – i don’t feel it anymore.

See, this is why i don’t post.  i’m not even having fantasies.  i haven’t had an orgasm since Hector was a pup.  Well a little one a week ago.  But none for ages before that.

And i’m one of those that loses the desire.  A touch of orgasm denial will turn me on, but very much and i just lose interest.   Sometimes i think about masturbating because i think it would help me relax and sleep better, but then i don’t do it.

There are things that bother me, and things i want to do to fix them, but it seems like all my plans rely on someone doing something else first and i’m just stuck.  It’s not anyone’s fault, there are only so many hours in a day,  but.

Ok enough whining, and too much already.  This is why i’m not posting much.  Maybe i’ll start posting cute meme’s.   Or quotes.  Or something… or maybe i’ll just fade away.  No, not really.   But i’m pretty old, ya know, i might dry up and blow away…

Argh.  i really hate feeling this way.  And i ate all the ice cream already last night.  Work up at 3:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep – ready for a nap now though.  Long day ahead of me…

Nothing of Interest

i write this here only because i don’t know where else to say it.

i need ~

i don’t know what i need.

i’m overwhelmed with feelings, overwhelmed and overloaded and i can’t seem to shake it off.

i’m having ~ i have flashes of feelings that connect to concentration camps.  i know, that sounds ~ crazy, or strange anyhow.  But my granddaughter fell and cut her lip last night and it bled and i saw a painting today of people standing together on a platform and somehow that combination ~  it gave me a flash of feeling this afternoon ~

~ i don’t know if i can talk about it.  How weird is that?

i only ever have once, talked about it, it’s something that used to happen years ago, but it hardly ever does anymore, but it did today.

i feel that i’m getting on a train and being sent to a concentration camp

The details are not always exactly the same, but there is always a child with me.

A child who is too young to know that terrible things can happen and i can’t protect them from everything.

And there are details, what it’s like being crammed in the train… and knowing that the other people on the train are hoping that this will be the worst of it and it will be better when we get to where we’re going ~

and that is what tortures me somehow, the child who doesn’t know and the people who hope.

It’s the look on a child’s face when something happens that is worse than she knew could happen.  The hurt ~ a sense of betrayal, i think.  Not just whatever the physical hurt is, but the sudden knowledge that life is THIS too.

Maybe it is a memory from a former life, the train, and maybe it’s just a whiff of emotion i pick up that attaches to that idea.  i don’t know.  Don’t think it matters.

i used to be better at shaking it, today, i went to the grocery and almost cried when i couldn’t find the organic cereal aisle right away ~ no, really, almost cried ~ and halfway through, i thought, i can’t do this, i just can’t do it.

But i did.  You know, i did.

i don’t know ~ i was trying to figure out, on the way home, how i used to shake this off.

Prayer.  And cigarettes, i smoked cigarettes back then, and that was always helpful if any feelings were too strong.   And alcohol too, i think.  Not often, but sometimes, drinking just a bit too much after the kids were in bed, falling asleep without thinking about a thing… and sometimes taking a day and saying i was sick.  i’d read and sleep and read and eat chicken noodle soup and not do anything except what i had to do all day.

i don’t really do any of those things anymore.  Prayer sometimes, but not in the same ways i used to.  Maybe i need to grow that practice… maybe i just need to sit with it.  Sit with the feelings.

i don’t know.

Writing it has helped some, so i guess there’s that.

Forty-One

He says, “Pick a number between 1 and 1,000.”

“Ten,” i say.

“Ten.  Ok, times four is what?”

“Um, forty.”  Bent over the bed, panties down, i can still multiply.

“Minus three.”

“Um, thirty-seven!”  Thinking fast.

“Plus the square root of 16?”

“Um, um,” mentally scrambling through that, “Forty-one!!”

“Good girl.  Do you think forty-one with the cane will leave you a bit stingy?”

“O, yes, Sir, i do.”

And it did.

Amazing what a difference a day can make.