My Opinion – Just for the Record

‘Real Housewife’ Melissa Gorga’s New Book Advocates Marital Rape according to this blog post in Jezebel.   Based on the quotes from the book, that’s right.  For example:

His style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage exactly how he envisioned our life together. Joe always says, “You got to teach someone to walk straight on the knife. If you slip, you’re going to get cut.” Even if something didn’t bother him that badly, he’d bring it up. He wanted to make sure that I knew, for example, if I ran out to CVS and he came home from work to an empty house, he didn’t like it. He’d call me and say, “I don’t care if you’re out all day long. But I don’t want to come home to an empty house.”

A “Joement” on equality:

To be on the same level, everyone has to get off the high horse. I don’t care if the woman makes more money than the man, if he’s a janitor and she’s the president. After a fourteen-hour workday, if a man comes home and there’s no dinner on the table, and his wife is on the phone, watching TV, or on the computer ignoring him, he won’t feel respected.

It sounds to me like Melissa Gorga is a slave and her husband is her Master.  Nothing wrong with that.  If you’ve consented to be in a Master/slave relationship, that’s great.  It would be nice if you called it what it is, but you don’t have to.

However.  If the you’re selling the idea that everyone should have an M/s relationship just like the one you have, that’s ridiculous.   Dommes and male submissives and Doms who are not Neanderthals and vanilla folks and many of us living the wide variety of D/s that exists everywhere – we are all completely overlooked here.

Ms. Gorga’s husband shares this bit of “wisdom”

Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,” turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.

Without consent, um, that’s rape.

He adds:

Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.

That view of men and what they need makes me sad.  Many men are more than sexually demanding, emotionally immature brats.

Crap like this book also makes it more difficult for BDSM to be accepted.  i hate that.

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12 thoughts on “My Opinion – Just for the Record

  1. innocuous37

    I agree. The whole point is that in “our way” its a choice, and i that way, it’s not a choice; it’s a lifestyle, an expectation, a culture, a tradition? And suddenly, everything is different.

    -sin

    Reply
  2. alicesadventuresex

    I’m not condoning sex against someone’s will, but as an Italian-American who grew up with in that culture I feel the need to defend his statement a little. He is using very poor wording to describe a common consentual martial moment in many Italian-American relationships. Wished he explained it better…..

    Reply
  3. jadescastle

    i grew up in an Italian-American culture as well and what i was taught was if you wanted a woman to treat like a whore, you got one and everyone knew what was going on (she was called a Mistress). That marital rape thing? Not so much.

    Beyond that, this is the kind of thing that diminishes a lot of work that has been done to educate men and women about relationships. i can understand his expectations, but it should be treated as just that: his. Not universal concepts. We don’t even have anything in M/s that is a universal standard because that idea would violate the concept of consent.

    Reply
    1. alicesadventuresex

      Just to clarify, I was commenting on the specific quote where he spoke of dominating a woman. I said it was common, not that every Italian-American couple partakes in it. Perhaps in some circles and families it is not as openly discussed about out of a fear of being judged?

      That being said I do agree with your assessment that this book is about a specific relationship that works for them, and isn’t necessarily the path to a happy and healthy married life.

      Reply
      1. sofia Post author

        i’m glad you came back and added that, just because that’s what i was going to say – even if some Italian-American couples have that dynamic, it’s not the standard for everyone.

        And i have to admit, what you’re saying still makes me a bit uncomfortable. Maybe because i experienced that kind of marital rape in my first marriage, repeatedly, and i know that you can accept it as the norm, but it doesn’t feel good and it’s really damaging to one’s sense of self. So i hope that what you’re talking about is different from what i experienced.

        Thanks for commenting though, i do appreciate you adding your perspective, very much.

        Reply
    2. sofia Post author

      Right, jade, that’s my take on it too, what you said. i’m Italian-American too, and don’t think that was part of our culture. But – you know Italians -we differ in different parts of the country, as well as individually. Kt could be Southern Italians that are like that, or Romans. Roman men tend to be a bit arrogant…

      Anyhow… yeah, the standards can’t be universal.

      Reply
  4. jadescastle

    Read the comments after that jazebel article. Sweet, sweet, sweet. Several people addressed the kink standpoint, indicating that it is actually not okay to engage in behaviors because you are afraid of the reaction of your spouse. Also: some Italian-Americans, who thoughtfully explained what Puttano/puttana means, because we are helpful that way.

    Seriously, some concepts in the article i would tend to agree with loosely. That being said, i wouldn’t write a book and publish it, telling other women to live how i live, in our out of our lifestyle.

    Did you mention that a wife should never poop according to her? Yeah. One commenting person said that after having two kids, having that much control over one’s bowels isn’t possible. However, if you are living with an anal-retentive asshat who breaks your kids highchair in a rage, i humbly submit that you may be able to achieve non pooping glory as well.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      O, i’ll have to go back and look at comments – i often don’t because they just upset me some of the time.

      And omg, that’s right, i forgot the whole “don’t poop,” thing. Sheesh. i think i just blocked it. How bizarre. But yeah, i guess we could learn to manage that, given enough fear. {shudder…} Thanks for reminding me. That does take it to new levels of bizarre.

      Reply

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