Nothing of Interest

i write this here only because i don’t know where else to say it.

i need ~

i don’t know what i need.

i’m overwhelmed with feelings, overwhelmed and overloaded and i can’t seem to shake it off.

i’m having ~ i have flashes of feelings that connect to concentration camps.  i know, that sounds ~ crazy, or strange anyhow.  But my granddaughter fell and cut her lip last night and it bled and i saw a painting today of people standing together on a platform and somehow that combination ~  it gave me a flash of feeling this afternoon ~

~ i don’t know if i can talk about it.  How weird is that?

i only ever have once, talked about it, it’s something that used to happen years ago, but it hardly ever does anymore, but it did today.

i feel that i’m getting on a train and being sent to a concentration camp

The details are not always exactly the same, but there is always a child with me.

A child who is too young to know that terrible things can happen and i can’t protect them from everything.

And there are details, what it’s like being crammed in the train… and knowing that the other people on the train are hoping that this will be the worst of it and it will be better when we get to where we’re going ~

and that is what tortures me somehow, the child who doesn’t know and the people who hope.

It’s the look on a child’s face when something happens that is worse than she knew could happen.  The hurt ~ a sense of betrayal, i think.  Not just whatever the physical hurt is, but the sudden knowledge that life is THIS too.

Maybe it is a memory from a former life, the train, and maybe it’s just a whiff of emotion i pick up that attaches to that idea.  i don’t know.  Don’t think it matters.

i used to be better at shaking it, today, i went to the grocery and almost cried when i couldn’t find the organic cereal aisle right away ~ no, really, almost cried ~ and halfway through, i thought, i can’t do this, i just can’t do it.

But i did.  You know, i did.

i don’t know ~ i was trying to figure out, on the way home, how i used to shake this off.

Prayer.  And cigarettes, i smoked cigarettes back then, and that was always helpful if any feelings were too strong.   And alcohol too, i think.  Not often, but sometimes, drinking just a bit too much after the kids were in bed, falling asleep without thinking about a thing… and sometimes taking a day and saying i was sick.  i’d read and sleep and read and eat chicken noodle soup and not do anything except what i had to do all day.

i don’t really do any of those things anymore.  Prayer sometimes, but not in the same ways i used to.  Maybe i need to grow that practice… maybe i just need to sit with it.  Sit with the feelings.

i don’t know.

Writing it has helped some, so i guess there’s that.

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19 thoughts on “Nothing of Interest

  1. Jz

    ooof.
    There’s one I have, like you, it’s come and gone all throughout my life, but mine is just a short-term but profound dissociation. (“I am NOT supposed to be here. This is not my place. Something is… wrong.”)
    It’s not pleasant but not anything as upsetting as yours sounds to be.

    They’re weird and icky and I’m really sorry yours paid a return visit.

    Yy

    Reply
  2. faithful

    sending hugs .. lots of them….
    perhaps the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur stirring up those feelings?

    I am so sorry that you have to experience that type of pain and glad you were able to write about it. It is of interest to me and I care so please don’t think you are alone when you something so very profound is happening to you.

    ~faithful

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, Faithful, it hadn’t really occurred to me that it would have any significance for anyone else, so i really appreciate your response.

      Reply
  3. vanillamom

    I’ve not read any prior responses so forgive me if I repeat what they have said.

    I am a firm believer in past lives…and I have also had flashes of prior events. It is not out of the realm of possibility that you are remembering. That you are fearful of the pain for the child, triggered by your g/d fall today. I’ve got no advice for you other than praying, envisioning yourself in a safe place (bathed in white light, or secure in a blue bubble) and surrounded by those who love you.

    Sending my white light towards you as you work through this…

    love,

    nilla

    Reply
  4. innocuous37

    Sofia, I think you are so empathetic that you might feel stuff from other people. That might be the key to it, and you do know this about yourself, you even make your living at it. Though I think you typically combine it with logic, and this doesn’t start off logical but…

    Ghosts? Maybe. I don’t really believe in them, but tons of people do. If there were ever going to be ghosts, they would probably be from concentration camps wouldn’t they?

    Maybe it’s a strong feeling from someone alive, near you, in the grocery store or something? Just some older person who was there? Faithful is right, it was just Rosh Hashanah, right now is the 10 High Holy Days leading up to Yom Kippur which are important in Judaism.

    Or maybe just a blue day in your own life? Hormones or just a down day. It seems to me that chicken soup and a book is good (something light please!). It doesn’t sound like you can really help the feelings, and if they are caused by something real… you probably still can’t help fix them.

    -sin

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks for all those suggestions, Sin. I think you’re right, I don’t think I know why I have this experience, and i agree that it could be any of the things you mention, and could even be a past life. I do pick up feelings though, and I think it could easily be some kind of empathy thing.

      I think it was really important for me to write about it – i’ve never done that before, and it gave me some perspective. Plus, of course, all of you sharing ideas makes it feel less weird and isolated, and i feel better now. Thank you for your comment. 🙂

      Reply
  5. Greengirl.

    Sofia,
    I have one of these too, details obviously are different, but equally disturbing and seemingly unrelated to my actual reality. My guess, for myself, is that some weird convergence of events, and psychological distress, and external details all happened together when I was very young, and this is how it got stuck in my brain,to be triggered by the oddest things. I hope you’re able to shake the feeling soon and thoroughly. Peace.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Greengirl, feeling better now. And how interesting that you have one of these too! I like your theory about it too, makes as much sense as anything.

      Thanks again.

      Reply
  6. Wordwytch

    That you’ve had the feeling before, I would say it is a past life memory. BTDT, and not all have been nice. The more intense they are, the more likely the memory is to stick in the “memory loop.”

    Talk to your Sir. Let him hold you while you talk, cry, process. The best thing I know to alleviate these kinds of things are to understand them. You’ve been stressed lately. That memory is of STRESS. So, the two go skipping down your synapses together. I work to get memories like that to a “video” stage where I can see it and then turn it off. I know it’s there, but I try not to let it own me anymore. Sort of like bad emotional trigger tapes.

    Lots of hugs! Lots of loving energy.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and suggestions, Wordwytch. I’m not sure that it is a past life, and it doesn’t make me feel like crying or talking about it at all. I do agree that it happens when I feel something similar to the same feeling, there is that connection, but it’s not just any stress that triggers it.

      It’s all interesting, isn’t it? So many different possibilities. Thanks for the input!

      Reply
  7. jadescastle

    I’ve had this experience as well. It is disorienting, off-balancing, and scary. It makes perfect sense to me that every cell in your body has a memory. It sounds like someone, inside of many of us, is the memory of a past life. What i know for sure is that SR and i have shared lives before because i’ve seen vague snatches of it. i don’t know how it ended, but i know it existed. i once had a “dream” that i’m very positive was a past-life because i’ve never forgotten what it felt like since then to be in that kind of a body, profoundly different from this one. It was a bad life, one shared with my mother. What i think is that these experiences happen at times to tell us how to not have to learn the same lessons in this life. i also think that you are an empath, even though i think you’d dislike that idea.

    i’ll have a smoke for you. Nilla’s got the right idea with her light. See what you can do to get out of your head, and back into your body firmly. That helps me (and, yes, we all know i smoke with strong feelings).

    Holding you in the light. Always.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, jade – thanks for sharing your experience! I know that you’re much more in touch with past life stuff than I am, but that could be what this is for sure.

      Lol… i can agree these days that i’m an empath – it’s not that i disliked the idea so much as that it seems pretentious to define myself that way – to say, “I’m an empath,” rather than “i’m empathic,” or “I have a lot of empathy.” But i am and i do, and i think this could easily be that – if those sentences made any sense at all.

      i hope you smoked at least one for me. 🙂 Thanks for the light – always.

      Reply
      1. jadescastle

        i would say that being an empathetic person and being an empath are not the same things. In one, i have strong feelings personally about for others. In the other, (empath), i am literally feeling how they feel, i’m physically embodying these things, regardless of it i want to feel it or not. i have less of a choice about being an empath, and all i can do is shut it off all together or live with it. This is the prime reason i think you get disturbed watching graphic images on television because you can’t do anything except sit with those intense feelings.

        i’ve read too many case studies around the world detailing past lives, with uncommon proof, to blow it off. i know this is not too helpful, except to point out that you are not alone.

        Reply
  8. mala

    Gah… I’m just about to go to bed and I’ll probably dream about your haunting whatever-that-is. 😦 I believe in past lives as well and think that could be it… I was also thinking the Jewish New Year could have had a subconscious effect on you… but whatever that is, I hope it stops 😦

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hi, Mala,

      Thanks so much for reading and for commenting – i hope you didn’t really dream about my “haunting!”

      Yeah, the time of year, maybe a past life, all those things could have brought it on. Triggered even more by my granddaughter’s fall, her cut lip and blood in her mouth, her little face all contorted with pain and disbelief…. yeah.

      Anyhow.

      Thanks again for commenting – went and checked out your blog too – nice!

      Reply

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