i googled my Dad this morning, i do that from time to time thinking that one of these times, his obituary will pop up. As long as it doesn’t, i figure he’s still alive.
But i couldn’t find him at all today, on-line. Usually, i think, something used to come up. i found his son, but all old stuff, nothing recent.
Silly, isn’t it?
Probably someone will tell me when he dies, probably maybe. And does it really matter? Well, apparently it does or i wouldn’t have just spent half an hour looking for him on-line.
i haven’t seen my Dad since ~ gosh, since 1983. 30 years ago.
Haven’t been in regular contact with him since about 1975. Haven’t lived in the same city with him since 1965, or in the same house since 1963.
My last contact with him was a few years ago when he responded to a card from me with a letter that advised me he didn’t want to have a relationship with me, he just wanted to be “left in peace.”
No, it doesn’t hurt the way it once did. By any reasonable standards, i’m as “over it” as one can be. And yet ~
~ there is something about Father’s Day that opens old wounds just a bit. Just enough to sting, just enough to remind me that it used to hurt like hell. And i guess that’s appropriate, right?
He was once the most important man in my life ~ bigger than life, he taught me those first lessons about men and how to relate to them.
It could have been worse.
He wasn’t the worst father ever.
He did the best he knew how to do. Emotional connection was not his strong suit. Ok, neither was financial support or any other kind of connection. But still.
My life is full of joy, and the father i knew had a life that was closed off, fearful, a life based on scarcity and anxiety about not getting his share of the good things. He lived in his head and didn’t believe in listening to his heart and ~
~ well. Maybe it would have been harder if i’d known him better, been closer to him for longer. Maybe this really is the best possible outcome.
My Dad did the best he knew how to do, and that is good enough.
Um, here’s a poem for all of you
To the people with abusive fathers
To the people with absentee fathers
To the people who don’t know their fathers
To the people who cut their fathers out of their lives
To the people with conflicting feelings about father’s day because their own father was a piece of shit but other men they know and love are awesome dads
To the people who learned how not to be a shitty dad by not doing what their father did
To the people whose fathers are deceased
To the people whose fathers are locked up or deployed and/or can’t come home
To the people trying to mend broken relationships with their fathers
You are not alone. If you don’t want to celebrate father’s day or you don’t want to talk to your father, that’s perfectly fine. Do whatever it takes to make sure you are healthy and happy.
And to all the fathers i know ~ wonderful or not-so-great ~
Happy Father’s Day!