Father’s Day

i googled my Dad this morning, i do that from time to time thinking that one of  these times, his obituary will pop up.  As long as it doesn’t, i figure he’s still alive.

But i couldn’t find him at all today, on-line.  Usually, i think, something used to come up.  i found his son, but all old stuff, nothing recent.

Sigh…

Silly, isn’t it?

Probably someone will tell me when he dies, probably maybe.  And does it really matter?  Well, apparently it does or i wouldn’t have just spent half an hour looking for him on-line.

i haven’t seen my Dad since ~ gosh, since 1983.   30 years ago.

Haven’t been in regular contact with him since about 1975.   Haven’t lived in the same city with him since 1965, or in the same house since 1963.

My last contact with him was a few years ago when he responded to a card from me with a letter that advised me he didn’t want to have a relationship with me, he just wanted to be “left in peace.”

Shrug.

No, it doesn’t hurt the way it once did. By any reasonable standards, i’m as “over it” as one can be.  And yet ~

~ there is something about Father’s Day that opens old wounds just a bit.  Just enough to sting, just enough to remind me that it used to hurt like hell.  And i guess that’s appropriate, right?

He was once the most important man in my life ~ bigger than life, he taught me those first lessons about men and how to relate to them.

It could have been worse.

Shrug.

He wasn’t the worst father ever.

He did the best he knew how to do.   Emotional connection was not his strong suit.  Ok, neither was financial support or any other kind of connection.  But still.

My life is full of joy, and the father i knew had a life that was closed off, fearful, a life based on scarcity and anxiety about not getting his share of the good things.  He lived in his head and didn’t believe in listening to his heart and ~

~ well.  Maybe it would have been harder if i’d known him better, been closer to him for longer.   Maybe this really is the best possible outcome.

My Dad did the best he knew how to do, and that is good enough.

Um, here’s  a poem for all of you

To the people with abusive fathers
To the people with absentee fathers
To the people who don’t know their fathers
To the people who cut their fathers out of their lives
To the people with conflicting feelings about father’s day because their own father was a piece of shit but other men they know and love are awesome dads
To the people who learned how not to be a shitty dad by not doing what their father did
To the people whose fathers are deceased
To the people whose fathers are locked up or deployed and/or can’t come home
To the people trying to mend broken relationships with their fathers

You are not alone. If you don’t want to celebrate father’s day or you don’t want to talk to your father, that’s perfectly fine. Do whatever it takes to make sure you are healthy and happy.

-brashblacknonbeliever

And to all the fathers i know ~ wonderful or not-so-great ~

Happy Father’s Day!  

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “Father’s Day

  1. sin

    Wow – he wrote you a letter saying he didn’t want to have a relationship with you? And yet it seems there’s still a tie or a yearning or something from your end. Hard to define or explain isn’t it? Maybe the silver lining of him is that having that kind of relationship with him made it more possible for you to understand other people’s less than perfect relationships with their parents.

    Happy Sunday,
    Sin

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      i know, right? It kind of puts him in a new category of assholery. But at least it got rid of any lingering fantasies that there would be some end-of-life connection between us.

      You’re right, there is still some pull there, i think it’s inevitable – at least for me. That used to bother me, i used to think i “shouldn’t” feel that way at all. But there it is ~ no point in worrying about it.

      For sure it’s taught me all kinds of things. Empathy for others who don’t have Dads is just one of them. Appreciation for all the good fathers i know is another… and the list goes on.

      Happy Sunday back to you! 🙂

      Reply
      1. sin

        Well I did think almost exactly that, that it was a stellar exampler of “ass-hat-ery” was the term I was thinking. Not sure why.

        But it’s so YOU to make the best of it, most of it. And I mean that in such a good and admiring way, please take it that way.

        sin

        Reply
        1. sofia Post author

          Thank you, Sin, i will take that in a positive way. Believe me, it’s taken some time and work to get here!

  2. Jz

    I suppose that was easier for him to say than, “I can’t handle the guilt of my failure.”
    But still, ouch.
    Like you say, however, there are plenty of good lessons to be learned from even the lousiest of situations. Glad you milked what good you could out of it.

    Yy

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hi, Jz,
      Yeah, i think you’re right – i think i stir up painful feelings for him and he’d rather keep those numbed out.

      Thanks for the support!

      yY

      Reply
  3. Wordwytch

    First of all, hugs.
    A good post, and the poem was very good.
    Last and definitely NOT least… I’m thankful that he provided the sperm that made you, for the world would be a sadder place without you in it.

    Love and hugs.

    Reply
  4. jadescastle

    I know i’m late here but I wanted to say that the loss is really his. You broke the pattern and have created a relationship with a man who is all of the things he is not. That is the best we can hope for, I think. Also, I think there is a biological urge there that is natural. Being pragmatic about it, however, when I venture down that path of wondering if someone is alive, I don’t waste half an hour. The social security death index lets you search records and provides definitive proof. Just sayin’ 😛

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, Jade – you’re never actually late, your comment is always right on time. 🙂

      And you’re right ~ i have finally broken the pattern. That’s about as good as it gets. Yes.

      And thanks for the practical tip!! That’s helpful!!

      Reply
    2. sofia Post author

      P.S. i checked the SS index – he’s not there, but someone with his same name died in 2007, which threw me for a second, but the date of birth was wrong….

      Reply
  5. jadescastle

    See? Way faster and more trustworthy than searching all over the web. I told you i’m pragmatic about it. I suspect strongly that I will never again speak to anyone I have blood ties to but my care hasn’t gone away entirely. Yes, on occasion I look too. It is the yearning for them to be something they are not which is gone. Sorry for the scary moment. Hugs.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s