Monday

It’s Monday.

That means tomorrow is Tuesday.

Ask me how my sitting practice is going. Go ahead. Ask me.

It’s not. Not going. There has been no practice.

No, I can’t practice right now – I’m in
a coffee shop!

Tonight? Probably not. I won’t be home til 9:00.

Tomorrow!! I bet I practice tomorrow!

Hey, I might. You don’t know…

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21 thoughts on “Monday

  1. little monkey

    ut oh…
    I’d use therapist techniques to get you to examine the underlying reasons this is shaping up to be a power struggle but I’m not a therapist and don’t know the techniques, so I’ll just say…

    Are you sure you want to blow this off? (I originally wrote Are you crazy?!!?and I started my comment lightheartedly, but as i write it, I am feeling less humorous and more concerned.as i go) I know I’m not there, but I have the distinct feeling that this carries more weight with your Sir than you are giving it credit for. Even 2 minutes of practice is practice. (how odd that your perceived potential “disobedience ” makes me so uncomfortable, but it does. Maybe because I identify with you so much. My intent here isn’t to criticize. I’m sorry if this is an inappropriate or too serious a comment.)

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      No, you’re right, i think i must be nuts!!

      i don’t know what i’m doing!!

      i know you’re not being critical and i’m being ridiculous

      sheesh.

      But i have this “casting caution to the winds” thing going on. Got the bit between my teeth and am ready to run. Damn.

      Reply
  2. jadescastle

    i’m getting nervous for you. Could you not…research now? Have some ideas, lists, research done? Sofia, things that don’t bend break. They do. I think you might need him to DO something…but what if he sees this as forcing his hand? Think of how good it will feel to be able to go to him and say that you got it together by yourself? Can you?
    Um. Slavery colors everything. Sorry. You know that is what we are reacting to? Its like our brains are hitting the panic button on the idea of mutiny (laugh). And so is yours. That is what the giddy feeling is, yes?

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Omg, i don’t know – maybe – i don’t think i’ve ever felt quite like this

      Ok, so i just tried a pillow, and it’s not comfortable at all. i know, i need to try other ones, try different ways i don’t want to. i know it’s not going to be comfortable with a pillow. If it’s big enough to take pressure off my knees – if i’m sitting on it, with it between my legs, it’s too bulky. It just is.

      And i don’t wanna keep trying. i don’t’ know why. i know this is about trying to find a way for me to be comfortable, He’s not making me do something to hurt me or to punish me or anything like that

      Fuck, fuck fuck.

      Reply
  3. greengirl

    I kinda get this actually. I’ve had a few of these – sounds so stupid – just do it – it’s not that hard – and most of the time that’s true. but sometimes there is something that needs to be played out – not reasoned out. Even when we can see it coming. I imagine you will learn a lot about you, and him, and the both of you over the next few days- learning is good, yea?

    Reply
  4. jadescastle

    Okay. Breathe. Just Breathe. Slow down. S-l-o-w. What is the feeling? I know I used to get very upset and shut down when all Barb was trying to do was understand what I could and couldn’t see. So you are not the only one who reacts when someone is trying to help. The thing is, I believe you trust him–so trust him to help you right now.
    I’ve looked already, incase this happened. What I found was that several women said a pillow that is a roll (like the kind for lumbar support) wasn’t so bulky and didn’t get squishy like a pillow. Also, there is an orthopedic chair made for sort of a kneeling-sit. It is supposed to get your weight off your knees, I think. Could that be an option. i’m thinking your head would be lower than his, though its about as sexy looking as orthopedic shoes.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Yeah, i think the pillow will have to be a roll. As for the chair ~ no, i don’t get a chair – that’s how this started. Cause i wanted the little stool for sitting. And He wants me to see if i can’t make a pillow work instead. Yeah.

      Sigh…

      Reply
  5. jadescastle

    greengirl is correct also, from my experiences. Sometimes, what I really needed was something that I couldn’t do for myself. I couldn’t reason through it. Things specific to helping me were drastically hard for me, because I was so hell bent on being able to do everything, no matter what. (um, errr, sigh, *roll tape*, rinse, repeat). I would have rather learned that lesson in a calmer, less emotionally-laden manner than provoking the nice Ex.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, Jade – i know you’re right. Really. i do. Sigh…

      And last night, He was talking about what if we got rid of the living room furniture and used Japanese mats instead, would i miss the chairs and furniture and would i be able to be comfortable. {No, i don’t think we’re really getting rid of the furniture.} It was a reminder.

      Sigh…

      Reply
  6. Wordwytch

    I understand the whole “don’t wanna” and “can’t get motivated”. It happens. Often for no real reason. At the same time my brain is thinking… “the things people do to get a spanking!”

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, Wordwytch,

      Yeah, i can see why you’d think that. i don’t think that’s what it is ~ not a spanking, cause i’ve had plenty of those lately. Maybe i just want to see “what if?” i don’t know…

      Reply
  7. sirqsmlb

    Sofia…you’ve got some splainin’ to do!!

    OK, so do you think you may be NOT practicing to see if there are really consequences to not doing it? Because you want him to follow through?

    You have talked about wanting more control and he’s giving you the idea that he may take furniture away from you. That may be one way that he helps give you some more of that control you were seeking. If you have gotten comfortable inside your skin…sitting at his feet, then it’s a way that you can still feel his control and your submission – even around vanilla people.

    Sitting at my Sir’s feet is a wonderful calming thing for me to do when we have company around. It’s totally normal for me, and I am very comfortable…so no one ever thinks anything of it. But for me, it’s a dual win…I’m comfortable BUT ALSO I’m sitting there and he can put his hand on my head, shoulder or neck and I can feel that bit of control.

    Good luck dear girl.
    fiona

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks, fiona, i imagine i’ll need the luck!

      O, and this got started because i’ve been having trouble with my knee, and trouble sitting on the floor, and i miss it. So i can’t really just start dropping to the floor and sitting at His feet, although that would be nice.

      Reply
  8. abby

    I have found it is sometimes, the simplest, easiest request that cause me to slip up, maybe we just all need to test sometime. good luck
    hugs abby

    Reply
  9. vanillamom

    oooooto the m to the g…

    you are so totally fucked. just absolutely…yeah.

    good luck with that.

    You may wind up not being able to sit. Like for a day. and NOT because of chair loss.

    nilla, wincing for you.

    Reply
  10. baby girl

    I’ll just say ditto to what they all said…and It’s Tuesday now! So get practicing! lol just a friendly reminder 🙂

    hugs
    bg

    Reply
  11. michelle

    Um, didn’t he say he was taking the privilege of sitting on furniture for “a while” on Tuesday? Like today? and you should have some practice by today?

    I think (and what I think doesn’t really matter, but I’m throwing it out there anyway) this is a power struggle. In the sense that your Sir is trying give you more of the structure and control you say you want, and you are resisting. That THIS isn’t the control you wanted to give up to him. Isn’t that how they always seem to do it?
    And I don’t think this you’re testing limits to see if he’s serious or trying to get punished; I think it’s certainly happening on a deeper level and is more subconscious than that. There is a lot of symbolism behind using furniture and sitting/being the same height as another person. And to have that “equalizer” taken away is a big deal.

    I hope I haven’t too forward with this; for some reason your situation here has struck a chord in me – I’ve been thinking about this all weekend, and worried for you, randomly thinking, “Oh, I hope sofia is practicing her sitting.”

    Reply

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