Discipline?

i am a lucky woman in many, many ways.   i have a career i love, enough money, and a home i like.  I have activities i enjoy.  i have friends i love who are interesting, fun, stimulating, good to me and good for me.  i have a wonderful daughter and an adorable grand-daughter, and even though they don’t live as close as i’d like, i’m fortunate to live in the age of Facebook and face time and Skype and cell phones with built-in video cameras and all the wonders of technology that let us stay connected.

i am incredibly fortunate that my search for a mate and a Dom, which has taken me up and down some strange pathways, ended with a Dominant of deep integrity, a man i can love with abandon, a soul who is gentle, wise and strong.  He’s more than i imagined was possible ~ someone i fit with ~ and i wouldn’t change anything about HIm, even if i could, which i assure you, i can’t.

And.

i long for more discipline.  Yearn to submit and obey.   More than He has asked of me, more, i think, than he’ll ever demand, more than he wants.  He’s very clear that He has no desire to micro-manage me.  And i don’t NEED to be micro-managed, and probably don’t really want it either.

i am usually in control of my feelings, in fact, i tend to be overly controlled, and am more likely to not express what i’m feeling when i’m unhappy or angry than i am to have a big outburst.   My house is in some kind of order, i follow an exercise regime, more or less, i’m eating healthy, and i usually get the things i need to do, done.  Usually.  Sometimes, when i don’t, the procrastination pays off, and the need to have done it goes away.

But.

i don’t know, i don’t really know what i want, or if i want anything.  i just have this sense that i’m supposed to be more disciplined than i am, and i can’t seem to get there myself.  There are things i think i want to do, need to do, and i’m not doing them because i let other things sidetrack me.

On the other hand, a wise man i know, who i’ve talked to a lot over the years, says that i’m ok the way i am, that he’s watched me wander and wander and then suddenly arrive where i need to be, and he thinks i shouldn’t try to force myself into following a bunch of rules or fit into anyone else’s structure.  He thinks i exemplify the cliché “all who wander are not lost.”

i don’t know.

If i had an opportunity to be part of a group that is supposed to help me build self-discipline, would i do it?

i guess i would be concerned about the impact on my relationship with Sir, since that is primary in my life.  i would be concerned that i’d lose some of the flow that my life has now.

But.

Part of me is drawn to the idea of discipline.

i think i’ll go back to Kinky Kastle tomorrow….

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15 thoughts on “Discipline?

  1. striving for Peace

    Sometimes I think we get so used to our happiness being “hard work” that we can’t quite accept it when it’s not.

    (lol — so you know that’s more about me than you!)

    sfp

    Reply
  2. Kitty the Submissive Wife

    It’s funny – I had the same thought as sfp did – I can’t really add, except to say that knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. I still like to assume that we have to be constantly “working” on things, even when they are going along just fine.

    Sigh. Here’s to you getting that little tweak you want/need.

    Reply
  3. jadescastle

    It is a big deal, i think, to put it in black and white. To say it, see it, is to see the truth of the situation. It makes perfect sense to me, how you are full of gratitude for finding Him and how that emotion seems incompatible with a sense of longing. What i have found for myself is that i have times of needing to go deeper, give more, keep growing…and i think that this hunger may just be a part of being a slave. You’d think (or, clearly, i think) that a Master would have a compatible need, to go deeper, take more, demand more to keep growing. It just doesn’t seem to happen that way somehow. i have absolutely no idea why and want to understand why… even more than i want to get what i think i need.

    Reply
  4. sirqsmlb

    So….have you talked to your Sir about it? I know that you adore him just the way he is and are grateful for what you have. That is a perfect base. That is wonderful. BUT, you still can have addition needs on top of that. It’s how you grow TOGETHER. You want to be the trees that grow your bases together, not apart. So while the appreciation and acknowledgement are good, there is NO reason that you shouldn’t desire more, or different, or modification to what you have. It’s not ungrateful. It’s not inappropriate. It’s life. But it’s important that you BOTH get as many of each of your needs met as possible. So….talk to him.

    Ok…so I think I am being too pushy. Sorry.

    hugs,
    fiona

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      You’re not too pushy, Fiona, never. And i think you’re right, and that’s important to keep in mind. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂

      Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thank you, Andi, peace is always appreciated here. And your comment makes me wonder ~ do i just need to find inner peace where i am? That’s the flip side all my desire, isn’t it?

      Reply
      1. ytysreloaded

        I think finding inner peace in every situation is the flip side. From all the things you’ve shared with us, this is a GOOD relationship. There are also times we idealize situations in our head, we try and apply a notion to a living relationship instead of just anticipating the new road it can take us on.

        You already know that you are discipline oriented. Every story, from the start is about training and rigor and moving beyond your assumed limits. It’s where your fantasy lies. There are also things you can both apply to the relationship the aren’t micro managing and will give you more satisfaction.

        But YOU have to say something. Then again you already know that. Spend some time reflecting on what these disciplines mean to you. Why do you want them? What does it satisfy in you? What would the goal of them be? Once you’ve figured that out, what things will achieve this for you? What activities can you incorporate into your lives that would fulfill you? Go to him with those solutions, not just the problem.

        I hope that helped and didn’t overstep a boundary. As you know I hope nothing but happiness and joy for you.

        A

        Reply
        1. sofia Post author

          Omg, i totally know you have my best at heart, always – i don’t think you COULD overstep a boundary.

          And that’s really wise, helpful advice. Thanks!! Just reflecting it back to me always helps. ❤

  5. bedroombondage

    I understand you completely, and share the same feelings. What is it in us that makes us crave discipline? It’s strange, in a way. I love it when he says things like: “Panties down, and bend over here, NOW.” It just makes me shiver with delight, even now when I write it.

    I think I’ll go on a mission to find out ways how to make your dominant discipline you more without asking for it or behaving like a brat.

    And YAY for more Kinky Castle!

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Omg, yes, there is something about being told what to do, {um, i think in the right context?} that is a huge turn-on. And when you find out how to do it without asking or being a brat, SHARE, please. 🙂

      Reply

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