i am a lucky woman in many, many ways. i have a career i love, enough money, and a home i like. I have activities i enjoy. i have friends i love who are interesting, fun, stimulating, good to me and good for me. i have a wonderful daughter and an adorable grand-daughter, and even though they don’t live as close as i’d like, i’m fortunate to live in the age of Facebook and face time and Skype and cell phones with built-in video cameras and all the wonders of technology that let us stay connected.
i am incredibly fortunate that my search for a mate and a Dom, which has taken me up and down some strange pathways, ended with a Dominant of deep integrity, a man i can love with abandon, a soul who is gentle, wise and strong. He’s more than i imagined was possible ~ someone i fit with ~ and i wouldn’t change anything about HIm, even if i could, which i assure you, i can’t.
i long for more discipline. Yearn to submit and obey. More than He has asked of me, more, i think, than he’ll ever demand, more than he wants. He’s very clear that He has no desire to micro-manage me. And i don’t NEED to be micro-managed, and probably don’t really want it either.
i am usually in control of my feelings, in fact, i tend to be overly controlled, and am more likely to not express what i’m feeling when i’m unhappy or angry than i am to have a big outburst. My house is in some kind of order, i follow an exercise regime, more or less, i’m eating healthy, and i usually get the things i need to do, done. Usually. Sometimes, when i don’t, the procrastination pays off, and the need to have done it goes away.
i don’t know, i don’t really know what i want, or if i want anything. i just have this sense that i’m supposed to be more disciplined than i am, and i can’t seem to get there myself. There are things i think i want to do, need to do, and i’m not doing them because i let other things sidetrack me.
On the other hand, a wise man i know, who i’ve talked to a lot over the years, says that i’m ok the way i am, that he’s watched me wander and wander and then suddenly arrive where i need to be, and he thinks i shouldn’t try to force myself into following a bunch of rules or fit into anyone else’s structure. He thinks i exemplify the cliché “all who wander are not lost.”
i don’t know.
If i had an opportunity to be part of a group that is supposed to help me build self-discipline, would i do it?
i guess i would be concerned about the impact on my relationship with Sir, since that is primary in my life. i would be concerned that i’d lose some of the flow that my life has now.
Part of me is drawn to the idea of discipline.
i think i’ll go back to Kinky Kastle tomorrow….