i was thinking yesterday that maybe the D/s Sir and i practice is too easy. It seems like we just flow together, and i started thinking how great that feels, but then i started wondering if maybe it should be harder. If submission is supposed to be more challenging.
Maybe He’s not hard enough on me. Maybe i should be doing more to please Him. Maybe He wants more and just isn’t telling me.
Maybe ~ maybe ~
Oh, good grief. Really? You’re happy and you want to just find something to worry?
And i laughed a little bit.
Cause here’s the really cool thing. Yesterday, i was at an event, and i had a chance to lead a discussion that i wanted to do, so i stepped up to the plate with high hopes. Excited at the opportunity.
And it didn’t work out. Not at all. Not the way i’d hoped. In fact, it was like my worst nightmare come to life.
And for a second, i thought i was going to cry.
But i didn’t.
Then i though i’d eat some of the cookies on the food line ~ 10 or 12 or them, maybe.
But i didn’t.
i tolerated the feelings. And i discovered ~ it was not the end of the world. No one else was judging me. And it didn’t mean that it would always play out like this.
i thought about why it had happened, what i could have done differently, and i made some helpful observations to myself. And i let go of the hurt and feeling rejected and the almost overwhelming rush of “i’m not good enough and i never will be.”
And i was ok.
i participated in the rest of the event, and i was fine. i didn’t come home and brood about it and i don’t feel sick thinking about it.
Somehow, the life i’m living is what makes that possible.
So really. If He doesn’t think i’m submissive enough, i’m sure He will correct that. After all, He can change it any time He wants.
Maybe being submissive means i don’t have to worry about that.