True Submission?

i was thinking yesterday that maybe the D/s Sir and i practice is too easy.  It seems like we just flow together, and i started thinking how great that feels, but then i started wondering if maybe it should be harder.  If submission is supposed to be more challenging.

Maybe He’s not hard enough on me.  Maybe i should be doing more to please Him.  Maybe He wants more and just isn’t telling me.

Maybe ~ maybe ~

Oh, good grief.   Really?  You’re happy and you want to just find something to worry?

And i laughed a little bit.

Cause here’s the really cool thing.   Yesterday, i was at an event, and i had a chance to lead a discussion that i wanted to do, so i stepped up to the plate with high hopes.  Excited at the opportunity.

And it didn’t work out.  Not at all.  Not the way i’d hoped.  In fact, it was like my worst nightmare come to life.

And for a second, i thought i was going to cry.

But i didn’t.

Then i though i’d eat some of the cookies on the food line ~ 10 or 12 or them, maybe.

But i didn’t.

i tolerated the feelings.  And i discovered ~ it was not the end of the world.  No one else was judging me.  And it didn’t mean that it would always play out like this.

i thought about why it had happened, what i could have done differently, and i made some helpful observations to myself.  And i let go of the hurt and feeling rejected and the almost overwhelming rush of “i’m not good enough and i never will be.”

And i was ok.

i participated in the rest of the event, and i was fine.  i didn’t come home and brood about it and i don’t feel sick thinking about it.

Somehow, the life i’m living is what makes that possible.

So really.  If He doesn’t think i’m submissive enough, i’m sure He will correct that.  After all, He can change it any time He wants.

Maybe being submissive means i don’t have to worry about that.

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15 thoughts on “True Submission?

  1. jadescastle

    Maybe–maybe–the self-acceptance you have found and practice with your Sir has spilled into other areas of your life. And how great is that? 🙂
    i know for me, years ago, i worried that finding someone i was “too” compatable with might mean that i was not “really” submitting. Now that i have the experience of being with someone that is such a comfortable fit i think that it is the comfort that allows me to stretch in ways i wouldn’t have been able to before.
    i certainly understand what you are feeling and think we all have moments of that angst.
    i’m sorry you had a tough experience but….wow….bravo for not judging yourself. i was just saying last night at a TES circle that this is really a journey of self-acceptance and when you are really comfortable in your own skin, it will effect every other part of your life. i know i picked partners before, or let them pick me, and they were judgemental assholes because that is how i felt about myself. So, of course, things were hard all of the time. A lot of those stressful feelings of “how hard this is” were removed in this relationship because we don’t really judge each other.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Dear Jade,

      Yes, i think you’re right. The self-acceptance – and the acceptance – from one part of life not only spills over, it transforms who we are. Maybe.

      I think i once thought that it was about learning to please someone who was hard to please – now it seems like it’s about being with someone who is pleased with who i am. How cool is that???

      Reply
  2. vanillamom

    I’m certain of one thing only… there is no one “true” anything…
    including submission. What works for you–well…works. Our dynamics change and evolve as we grow in our relationships. That doesn’t make your way “wrong”, nor my way “right”…kinda like …I’ll bet you like pie…while I loathe it. Doesn’t make either of us bad, or any other negative label you choose to apply.
    This was a post I had to read, the go away from and think about…and then come back to. Thanks for making me think. 🙂

    nilla

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hi, ‘Nilla,

      Yes, of course you’re right on all counts – i do like pie, and there is no “true” submission. i’m glad the post was food for thought though.

      Reply
  3. monkey

    Oh Sophia, I needed to read this this morning. My experience this morning somewhat mirrors yours.

    I’m taking a class, that I attempted and failed twice before when I was younger. The subject confounds me and I got so confused in class I felt like crying. It’s ironic, isn’t it that a girl who so loves rules, is tripped up by too many rules?

    The first exam is next week, so of course all that latent judgement from 30 years ago came rushing back. Add to that the discomfort that I feel in general, from not being good at something, I hate not feeling competent. Driving home I felt awful, when suddenly I heard myself, “I always, I never, I won’t, I can’t”. The next thing was “What would David or F say?”. They’d both say the same thing…”Stop it”. And I did. “Is what you are thinking the truth?” no, it wasn’t,

    Three years ago i wouldn’t have been able to let that go. I attribute that directly to the D/s relationships that feed me.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hey, Monkey,

      What a beautiful story – thanks for sharing it here! That was really an epiphany you had, wasn’t it?

      And it’s such a wonderful feeling – not just when it happens, but afterwards, when you can really savor it. That’s sooooo cool. My favorite part is when you asked yourself, ““Is what you are thinking the truth?” and of course it’s not. That just makes me smile.

      Reply
  4. sin

    I have no great wisdom or insight to offer. I’m just shaking my head at you worrying that it’s not hard enough. I’m envious. But glad for you.
    -sin

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hi, Sin,

      But i think there is something that pulls us toward the difficult, isn’t there? ‘Cause if you can please the hard-to-please, you must really be worthy – at least i think that’s what i used to think – or feel.

      These days, i’m glad i can shake my own head at me for worrying that it’s not hard enough! 🙂

      Reply
  5. abby

    Welcome to blog land! Usually when I start to feel really comfortable in my submission and service one of two things happen…..Master decided it’s time to rev it up, or I screw up and trip myself up! There is not one way to do this…..if it is right for you and your partner..it is right! hugs abby

    hugs abb

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Thanks for the warm welcome, abby!!

      It’s a good thing we’re not restricted to the “one right way,” isn’t it? And yes, i’m sure things will shift – it’s all subject to change at any time…

      Thanks again!

      Reply
  6. Fondles

    Hi Sofia… thanks for stopping by to visit. and YES i’m with you on that – if it’s too easy I wonder if something’s not right. BIKSS tells me to stop fretting and just enjoy the “easy” – cos we’ve already had our fair share of stress and bumps in the road getting here.

    Reply
    1. sofia Post author

      Hi, Fondles,

      Thanks for reading my new blog, and for commenting! i know, it seems like we reach a plateau where it is smoother sailing, and THAT makes us worry! Glad to know it’s not just me.

      Reply
  7. Wordwytch

    I’m catching up on back posts. No, there is no right way… ever. And that is why TTWD, and the D/s lifestyle works for all of us varied individuals. 🙂

    Reply

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